DC’s Legends of Tomorrow – The Virgin Gary

By: Maggie Stankiewicz

Life is good for the Legends…for now. Mallus is defeated and the final anachronism has been wiped from the timeline (Paul Revere visiting The Beatles at the peak of their popularity). Their relationship with the Time Bureau is on the mend…but something just isn’t right. The Legends, with the exception of Sara (Caity Lotz), have grown complacent. Constantine (Matt Ryan) had promised them that a flurry of mystical creatures had been released with Mallus, but they’ve been yet to show themselves. Nate (Nick Zano) expresses his boredom first and is quickly backed by Zari (Tala Ashe) and Rory (Dominic Purcell). Ray (Brandon Routh) argues that fighting werewolves in the Alamo would boost their ratings with the Bureau, but Captain Sara Lance already has quite good ratings with their temporal employer. Gideon (Amy Louise Pemberton) interrupts the gang’s debate with a call from Ava Sharpe (Jes Macallan), summoning them to report to the Bureau’s DC Headquarters.

Gary (Adam Tsekhman) guides the Legends through Headquarters. They’re on edge, and threaten the innocent man with bodily harm. Did he tell Ava about the escaped dragon? Was he a snitch? Gary denies the claims and insists the Legends meet up with Ava before taking further action. They’re soon greeted with balloons and high accolades – a surprise party to recognize their incredible achievements. The Legends are endowed with Time Bureau sanctioned awards and an open bar. Sara separates from her group to “tour” the facility with Ava. Ray stays away to pine over Nora Darhk (Courtney Ford), which Zari kindly mocks him for it. Rory and Nate get their drink on.

Later that night Sara and Ava lie in bed and discuss their future. Ava attempts, and succeeds, to make a kept woman out of Sara by inviting her to move in. Sara is initially full of trepidation, not because of her lack of love for Ava, but because of her existential dread. The couple celebrates with smooches and champagne…until a certain John Constantine breaks into Ava’s apartment with warnings of what’s to come. He tells her that the darkness is rising and that the timeline’s quietness is not an indication of peace. Constantine throws proverbial punches at Sara for her newfound domesticity before presenting her with the knuckle bones of a martyred Saint. Before the bones can do their jig and amble, Ava finds the two arguing in her kitchen. Constantine leaves and Sara smooths out the situation by flashing a dimpled smile. As Ava walks away, the knuckle bones do their demonic dance. The darkness certainly is coming.

Though Sara and Ava left the party early, Rory and Nate are still going strong. Fueled by the liquor, the two men embark on a journey for some “real action,” which involves stealing a car and paying a visit to Nate’s parents’ house. Nate’s father Henry (Thomas F. Wilson) doesn’t take kindly to his son’s visit and threatens him with a shotgun. Nate’s mother Dorothy (Susan Hogan) opposes this violent gesture and puts an end to it to protect her son. Dorothy entices Rory with a sandwich, forcing Nate to engage with his dad. Henry is not kind to his son and must remain completely ignorant to his son’s history of saving the world. Throughout the conversation strange things begin happening. Henry mentions the Woodstock massacre – an event that had not previously been on the timeline. This clues Nate in on a problem with the timeline and he pulls Rory away.

Back at HQ Sara pays a visit to Gary to inquire about the possibility of a monster on the loose in history. They pinpoint a particularly groovy year. Sara then steals Gary’s time courier and runs into battle. Of course, Ray has his own reasons for coming along to the 60s as he thinks Nora might be hiding there, too. Zari vows to keep Ray company and the rest…is history. The Legends are placed smack in the middle of Woodstock. Ray and Zari take a stroll through the woods and stumble upon a pile of goo that resembles a liquefied rainbow. Above the puddle is the body of an impaled hippie. As they leave to find the source, the team’s communication tech links up and they all realize they’ve entered the 60s for their own missions. The Legends all meet up and Nate fills the team in on history’s new narrative. Zari blames Nora for the massacre, but that doesn’t explain the rainbow sludge.

Before they have time to theorize any further, a unicorn trots into the meadow. Rory points his gun at the creature, but they stop him – in awe of the unicorn’s beauty. They marvel at the beast for a few moments until it gallops towards a woman and drives its horn through her sternum. The killer of the man in the woods was not Nora, but the unicorn. The equine creature proceeds to eat the woman’s heart. Rory takes initiative and attempts to kill it, but it’s impervious to the flames. The unicorn then ejects rainbow goo from its body, leaving Zari, Ray and the others covered in slime.

Sara leaves to meet up with Constantine. If the unicorn is a demon they’ll need his help to vanquish it. Captain Lance swallows her pride and tells Constantine that he was right. He then asks if her team was sprayed with musk by the beast. When she tells him that they were he lets her know that “sparkle sauce” will send them on a trip of a lifetime. When the two arrive back in Woodstock, Sara admits that she didn’t tell Ava about this mishap out of fear of ruining the state of their relationship. Constantine is his smug self, but Sara holds her own. It doesn’t take long for the unicorn musk to set in. Nate and Rory are the first to feel its effects. Nate hallucinates his father’s image while Rory imagines Axl has replaced Nate. Zari and Ray are next. The world opens and embraces Zari in the love of the world while Ray imagines Nora in the woods with them.

Constantine is what Sara could have become had she not been brave enough to let love and light back into her life and his remarks to Sara are a reminder of this very fact. He tells Sara that they are similar in their need for survival results in misery for others and that she must end her relationship with Ava before it’s too late. Sara refuses to fall for his schtick and tries to appeal to him. Sara tells Constantine that he needs to be a part of a team, but he vehemently rejects the notion – a response that is supported by the discovery of the Legends quite literally rolling in the grass, still high on unicorn musk. They rally the troops and gets them back to base to devise a plan. Constantine finds a spell to expel the unicorn from the mortal realm and they use the more well-known Woodstock attendees to gather the supplies. Acquired through their pick-pocketing abilities, they gather totems from Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jerry Garcia. The final ingredient; however, is a virgin. They don’t have to steal one this time – they just need to borrow Gary.

Gary’s virginal prowess is attractive to unicorns and they exploit its weakness. They leave Gary standing in the center of a meadow and surround him, hiding in the bushes. The Unicorn quickly takes the bait. As blood drips from its snout, Constantine begins the ritual. He opens a portal as the beast prepares to feast upon Gary’s heart. Constantine’s spell strips the Unicorn of its majesty, reducing the beast to teeth and sinew as its portal home opens. The demon resists the pull of the portal, and manages to bite Gary’s nipple off before disappearing into another dimension. Constantine comforts Gary regarding his uni-nipple, and they congratulate themselves on a job well-done.

The Legendary part of this battle is done, but there are still emotional problems to resolve. Nate visits his father in attempt to reconcile. Henry is hesitant, but eventually agrees to share a civil beer with his son. Zari checks in on Ray, who is still pining over Nora. He admits that when he gave her the time stone, he felt a spark. Zari empathizes with him and takes him on a journey through her past. She brings Ray to a park in 2018 and they watch her mother push a young-version of her on a swing. Zari confesses to Ray that she too struggles with the burden of being a Legend. Zari fights to avoid the temptation of telling her mother to run before it’s too late – before the world grows to fear her. They sit for a while in mutual understanding.

Sara returns to Ava’s apartment – soon to be their apartment – to finally make a confession of her own. In a rapidly-worded admission, she tells Ava about the magical creatures she released when they set Mallus free. Ava…already knew. The two women sit down for a heart to heart and Ava tells Sara everything she’s needed to hear – that she’s a hero, that she’s a good Captain and that she is loved. Sara and Ava are in love and they’re going somewhere…but that doesn’t mean the Legends’ mission can end. They vow to keep their relationship progressing while Sara continues to clean up the timeline. This interaction is enough to encourage Sara to try recruiting Constantine one last time.

Sara intrudes on his brooding session to invite him to the join the team. He is drunk and thus has no filter. He tells her that he’d rather die than work and live with the Legends. She leaves in a huff and Constantine is joined by another invisible guest. An invisible entity, demonic in origin, throws Constantine around his room rattling through the man’s body before leaving an insidious message on his mirror… “I’m coming for you Johnny.“