Life in Pieces – Ear Scorn Registry Manuscript

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By: Julie Mante


Story One: Colleen’s Web
Colleen (Angelique Cabral) goes to visit her doctor/ future brother-in-law Tim (Dan Bakkedahl) because she feels a twitching in her ear canal. Tim is shocked to find a spider in Colleen’s ear! After they both freak out, Colleen begs him not to say anything about it. She is afraid of Matt finding out because Matt is terrified of spiders. Tim assures her that he will not say anything because of doctor/patient confidentiality. When Tim gets home, he decides to tell Heather (Betsy Brandt) what happened with Colleen without mentioning her name. At Sunday brunch, Heather shares the spider story with the whole family. Colleen tries to play it cool but she is fuming inside as Tim avoids looking at her. Later, Colleen pulls Jen (Zoe Lister-Jones), who is a lawyer, aside and says that she wants to sue Tim because he broke doctor/patient confidentiality when he told Heather about the spider. Jen says that Colleen does not have a case because Tim did not mention her name. Colleen asks Jen not to say anything and Jen says their conversation is protected under attorney/client privilege but Colleen is doubtful because Tim already spilled the beans. Jen is quick to point out that she takes her job seriously unlike Tim.
When Greg (Colin Hanks) tries to talk about the spider story, Jen is reluctant. Greg realizes that the spider person is in the house and he is determined to find out who it is. Jen tries to stop him, but Greg tells the whole family that Matt is spider boy. Matt (Thomas Sadoski) is offended that Greg would suggest something so ludicrous. He notices how nervous Colleen looks and she admits that she is spider girl. Colleen is quick to blame Tim for exposing her gross secret. Tim blames Heather. Heather blames Greg. Greg blames Jen. Jen blames Colleen for outing herself. Colleen starts the blame game again. Joan (Dianne Wiest) says that everyone needs to stop blaming each other but tells Tim that this whole situation is his fault. Confidentiality is sacred and it should be never broken. As a therapist, Joan knows plenty of family secrets but she has kept them all hidden. Until now. She starts telling everyone things family members have told her privately. Everyone is suddenly uncomfortable.
Story Two: Queen J
Jen stops by Heather’s house to return some old clothes that Heather had given her. Heather is with her friends who are all stay-at-home moms. Heather introduces Jen to the group and invites her to stay and hang out. Jen agrees. At night, Jen tells Greg that she liked hanging out with the moms because she felt like they listened to her problems. The next day, Heather is surprised to see Jen hanging out with her friends. Heather feels so out of place while Jen takes over as the new leader of the group. Everyone is dressed nicely at the restaurant while she is dressed casually. Later that night, Heather complains about Jen to Tim. Heather is worried that her friends like Jen more than her. When Heather shows her friends the spa day she has planned for the weekend, the girls are eager to invite Jen which annoys Heather. Heather shows up at Jen’s workplace to tell her that they should not have to change their spa day plans for her. Jen tells her that it is fine if the group goes without her. Frustrated, Heather reveals that the girls do not want to go without Jen. Heather is frustrated that Jen is the new favorite in the group while she is being ignored. Jen and Heather both comment on the fact that both stay-at-home moms and working moms are both judged by the other. Jen realizes that the best thing for her to do is to remove herself from the friend group by texting, “Stop texting me all day, I have a real job.” After they hug, Jen tells Heather that she needs to leave so she can go work.
Story Three: Bull in a China Shop
Matt and Colleen tell Joan that they are only inviting family to their wedding in Mexico. They tell Joan not to tell their roommate Dougie (Fortune Feimster) that she is not invited. As Joan is leaving the apartment, Dougie grabs her and takes her to her room. She tells Joan that she got Colleen and Matt an awesome wedding gift but she wants it to be a surprise. She wants to store her present at Joan’s place and Joan agrees. Her present is a mini statue of race car driver Dale Earnhardt. Well, she thinks it is. Joan points out that it is actually a statue of Beethoven. Dougie asks Joan for help finding another gift. When they go shopping, Dougie breaks expensive china and is frustrated that she has to pay over eighty dollars. Joan tries to get her to calm down. When Dougie talks about the wedding, Joan feels uncomfortable because she knows that Dougie will not be there. It gets worse when Dougie says that her roommates are family to her and the only real friends she has. When Joan visits the apartment, she tells Matt and Colleen to invite Dougie to the wedding. They tell Joan that they want to stick to the family only policy. Joan reminds them that family is not only defined by blood. In the end, Colleen and Matt end up caving and invite Dougie to the wedding.
Story Four: Family Book Club
Joan asks her family if they would be willing to read her book. Joan tells them that Professor Wilde (Cary Elwes) told her that families give the most honest feedback. No one is interested so they are quick to make excuses why they do not have time. Joan is disappointed but she pretends to buy their excuses. When Greg comes back to the table, he asks everyone what is going on. Heather tells him that they do not have time to read Joan’s book. Greg says that as a family they should make time so he tells Joan that everyone is ready and available to read her book. All eight hundred pages of it. As an excited Joan leaves the room to go get copies of her book, Heather blames Greg for getting them into this mess. She and the rest of the family are uncomfortable reading Joan’s erotic story.
Professor Wilde stops by to facilitate the discussion days later. Matt tells Greg that he enjoyed the book. Everyone there agrees that Greg had been right to push them to read the book. Matt realizes that Greg did not read the book. Everyone is mad that Greg made them do this and decided not to participate. When Greg tells them to give them a summary, they refuse. He decides to get the highlights from John (James Brolin). When it is time for the family to share, Heather volunteers Greg to share. When Greg starts talking, Joan realizes that he did not read the book. Greg’s lie inspires Joan to change a major plot point in the story. She tells Greg that his lie saved her book, which annoys Heather and Matt. Greg smiles and volunteers everyone to read the rewrite.

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