Speechless – B-I-Bikini U-N-University
By: Taylor Gates
Kenneth (Cedric Yarbrough) calls a family meeting to talk about his concern over JJ (Micah Fowler) not taking his college applications seriously. He would rather watch television than think about his future. The family puts their heads together to think of what JJ’s passions might be. When they can’t think of anything, they enlist Ray (Mason Cook) to write a fake essay about how much JJ loves giving back to the community.
JJ asks his parents if they can visit Danton College six hours away. He’s decided he wants to be an engineer—his life is already a puzzle, and he wants to help people. Although Maya (Minnie Driver) doesn’t think it’s practical, she can’t bring herself to crush his dreams and agrees to take him on a tour that weekend.
Ray invites his classmates to play video games while his parents are away. However, Kenneth tells him nobody is going to show up. Ray decides to shift gears, telling Justin (Lance Lim) to invite his cool brother (Edward Zo) and bring beverages.
Dylan (Kyla Kenedy) asks Maya and Jimmy (John Ross Bowie) if she can get a pet snake. When they both say no, she keeps one hidden in her closet anyway. Unfortunately, it escapes right before she leaves to go on the college tour.
Ray is ready to throw a rager, but Justin shows up with his little brother Austin (Emerson Min) and other small children instead. It turns out he runs a profitable babysitting service and is dumping the responsibility on Ray. Ray panics, calling Kenneth over to help. Kenneth says this might be a blessing in disguise—he can learn to impress ten-year-olds before working his way up to cool kids his own age.
Ray easily wins over the crowd by saying a few tame curse words and allowing unlimited screen time. While he’s performing a magic act, Dylan’s snake crawls out from the vent. He freaks out, running into his room to hide. Only Austin is also afraid of the snake and follows him while the rest of the crowd makes fun of them by chanting that they’re babies.
The snake makes its way into Ray’s room and he musters up the courage to catch it. He sees it has no venom glands and is harmless, planning to take it outside to show everyone he’s tough. Austin comments how embarrassed he’s going to be and Ray hands him the snake, allowing him to take credit for catching it and embellish how vicious it was. Luckily, not all is lost—Justin’s older brother (Edward Zo) tells Ray he’s cool for what he did for Austin.
Meanwhile at Danton, JJ asks to go on the student-only tour and Maya is proud of him for being so independent. Jimmy is not looking forward to breaking JJ’s heart. The campus is beautiful, but in addition to being six hours away, they’re never going to be able to afford tuition.
Dylan follows JJ to the student-only tour, but it turns out there’s no such thing. JJ lied in order to get to the campus and be in a movie they’re filming there called Bikini University 3: Horny Homecoming. Dylan is disgusted that JJ used false pretenses, threatening to tell their parents. However, JJ blackmails her, saying he’ll tell them about her snake if she rats him out.
Dylan continues being insulted by JJ’s behavior on the film set, as he clearly just wants to be there in order to get action from girls. JJ gives some advice to the actor playing the dean in the film (Nick Viall), and he’s so impressed with JJ’s knowledge he asks him if he directs.
Jimmy and Maya go talk to the financial aid office. They’re intrigued at the fact children of Danton employees get 80% tuition, and Maya offers to move up there and get an entry-level job. Jimmy points out that she’s not good at customer service or listening to authority so that wouldn’t be a good fit.
Maya signs up to be a grocery delivery woman in order to prove she can take orders and hold down a job. However, she and the college student she’s serving fight about grapefruit quality and whether generic painkillers are just as good as Advil. He gives her one star and Maya and Jimmy realize they’re going to have to tell JJ the college just wasn’t meant to be.
JJ sees Maya and Jimmy walking towards them once he’s about to do his big scene where boobs are shoved in his face. He thinks on his toes, asking the girl and fake dean to pretend to be his new friend Ally (Kelli Goss) and the real dean. They do a good job, convincing Maya and Jimmy that he’s Danton material and needs to go help the girl with a math equation. Maya and Jimmy decide they can’t give up yet, opening up the delivery app again.
One of the girls working on the movie orders something from Maya and asks her to stand in for Ally’s character while she’s in makeup. They call for JJ to come rehearse the scene, leading to an awkward situation. Dylan blurts out that she has a snake before JJ can tell on her.
Maya and Jimmy yell at JJ for lying to them. He says they’re dreaming if they think he can actually attend a college like that, but they tell him they’re not buying his excuses anymore: they take him seriously, and it’s time he took himself seriously as well. JJ apologizes to the director (Rick Overton), who says there’s no good way to shoot the party scene anyway. JJ comes up with a solution, putting the camera on his wheelchair and panning around from his point of view. The DiMeos are proud of him, and he’s never been so happy. He’s discovered his true passion is movies.
Maya and Jimmy force Dylan to give her snake away to a friend. However, once her parents leave the room her friend simply trades her for a different snake. She warns the new snake to stay a secret and not try to escape or it will be sent away, too.