The Last Man On Earth – Paint Misbehavin’
By: Suzanne Fox
Erica (Cleopatra Coleman), Gail (Mary Steenburgen) and Carol (Kristen Schaal) are walking in the dark down a hallway of the mansion in Mexico. The halls are lit with candles. Carol is holding a flashlight. Gail suggests they call it a night and start searching again tomorrow. They are looking for Jasper. Todd (Mel Rodriguez) and Tandy (Will Forte) come out from the dining room to meet up with them. Tandy asks the gals if they had any luck finding Jasper (Keith L. Williams) and Carol replies that there were no signs of him. Tandy lets them know that they did have some luck. The women show astonishment as Tandy motions for them to come with them. He whispers and shushes them as they tiptoe outside. He tells them, “Easy, easy, we don’t want to scare him off.” Tandy’s surprise is hiding behind a row of blankets hung on a rope. Tandy pulls back the curtain and says, “Ladies and Gentlewomen, feast your eyes on this!” Karl (Fred Armisen) jumps out to scare them and the women all jump back screaming. Tandy pulls out a gun and shoots Karl repeatedly. The women keep screaming while Karl’s body is upright and jerking at being shot. Todd stands in the background with his arms crossed as he is watching. Karl drops to the ground as the women lean over to check him out. Tandy exclaims that he got him as Karl pops up and says, “I’m Karl.” Tandy tells the women that the gun had blanks and Karl apologizes and tells the women the joke was not his idea. Tandy introduces to the group and blames “that rascal” Todd for the joke. Erica exclaims that Jasper is still out in the wild and Tandy confirms this. Gail calls Tandy an idiot. Tandy tells Gail not to call Karl an idiot, that he is their guest and not to be shy as Karl doesn’t bite.
The group is now sitting together in the living room in front of the fire. Todd and Melissa (January Jones) are on one sofa. Carol, Gail and Erica are opposite them on the other sofa. Tandy and Karl are in chairs across from the fire, adjacent to the sofas. Karl is wearing the prison uniform and is telling jokes. He says, “What is the worst thing a prison guard can find at a wedding. An open bar.” The group laughs. Tandy asks how Karl got trapped in the prison and said he thought all guards had keys. Karl explains that there were so many keys, but the main door had a code. He said that he always forgot the code and he was called, “The Code Forgetter.” Karl said he had to sit there and take it because it was so true. He said he wanted a change so he came down to Mexico. He took up painting, flamenco and the whole “nueve.” He said that was Spanish for “nine.” Karl says life was perfect and then the virus struck. It took his wife, her son, his kids and grandkids. Karl said at the end it was just him and one other prisoner – a serial killer who ate people. The group reacts in disbelief. Karl said he couldn’t believe how somebody could do that. But he said they formed a friendship. “The guy who eats people and the guy who keeps people eaters locked up.” Karl emphasizes how strongly he feels about using people as food. Melissa chimes in that he has mentioned that already. Karl says that they used to call him “the Point Emphasizer.” Carol says that she thought they called him “the Code Forgetter.” Karl said he had both nicknames. Gail said he must be a saint because she could never be friends with a Psycho Killer like that. Karl said he was also the “Everyone Forgiver.” Erica says he has a lot of nicknames. Karl says he is also the “Nickname Accumulator.” Then Karl announces he is going to hit the hay and thanks the group. Erica says Karl is a neat guy and Tandy adds that Karl is handsome.
The next day Karl walks into Gail’s bedroom and says that something smells delicious. Karl is now wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Gail is at her dresser doing her hair and makeup. Gail says that she burned her hair on her awful curling iron and shows Karl that she burned her finger too. Karl over exaggerates and exclaims that the he didn’t realize the awful smell is her burned finger. He yells out, “P.U.” Karl says again how disgusting the smell is as he stares lustfully at the blister forming on Gail’s finger. Gail then tells Karl that she could use Karl’s help because Erica’s birthday is coming up. Gail asks Karl if he could do a portrait of her to give to Erica. Karl tells Gail he doesn’t paint anymore. He says he has a lot of bad emotional connections to painting. Gail says she will just get Erica a candle or a Lamborghini. Karl tells Gail to put ice on the burn. He says he had an uncle who worked at a “Burn Firm,” a place for burns. Gail says that she will go get some ice then. Gail takes the new bandage off her finger and puts it in the trash. She leaves the room and Karl looks at the trash in confusion. He debates taking the bandage, but talks himself out of it. He says he is changed.
Karl is now sitting at the piano crying. Tandy walks in and Karl says he was overcome with emotion for six seconds. He explains to Tandy that he met his wife at a Dueling Piano bar. Tandy asks Karl if he plays and Karl hesitatingly agrees that he does. Then Karl adds that he plays “only semi-professionally.” Tandy asks Karl to play something for him. Karl says he is a little rusty so “no judgment – ok.” Karl hits random notes and sings “Benny and the Jets.” Tandy looks on in amazement. Karl says “Still got it.” Karl then gets emotional and runs off. Tandy looks at him like he is now on to him.
Melissa walks into the hallway and Todd asks if she is ready to go looking for Jasper. Erica and Carol are with Todd; dressed to go searching. Melissa says she is going to suggest an unpopular idea- that they don’t search for Jasper. They all look at her in disbelief. Erica asks if they are supposed to leave him alone out there. Melissa suggests they do. She said he was fine on his own out there. Then, she asks what will they do when they find him – ground him? Todd suggests that is the first thing they would do. Melissa reminds him that didn’t work the last time. Todd then tells Melissa that they will tell Jasper how much they love him. Todd starts to rant saying Jasper missing will give him another heart attack. Melissa tells Todd this is “healthy energy for him to come back to.” Carol says they can’t stop looking. Melissa says they should. Erica, Carol and Todd all leave to look for Jasper.
That night Karl is creeping around the house and goes into Gail’s bedroom. He is sneaking into Gail’s trash to get out the bloody Band-Aid. Tandy asks what Karl is doing. Karl says he is taking the trash out. Tandy asks why. Karl says because it is full. They keep repeating this as they get closer to each other and in each other’s faces. Tandy then says, “There’s something a little weird about you.” Karl tells him that is because he has been stuck inside a prison for six years. Tandy tells him the virus happened four years ago. Karl starts fumbling over his words and Tandy starts mocking him. While in Karl’s face, Tandy asks Karl to remind him what kind of “pianist” he is. Karl exclaims, “What?” Tandy slowly pronounces each word, “What kind of pianist are you?” Karl says he is semi-professional. Tandy says, “If you say so.” Karl then takes the trash out as Tandy gestures for him to get out. Then, Tandy starts scribbling into a notepad.
Tandy runs into the living room and the rest of the gang (except for Karl) is hanging out. Tandy tells everybody they need to discuss Karl. He tells them he caught Karl rooting around Gail and Erica’s trash. Tandy tells them that Karl said he was just taking it out, but he felt it was so weird he “felt compelled to write down all the details.” Tandy then spins around showing all of them a small notepad with one word written in all caps – “TRASH!!” Tandy asks who in their right mind does something like that. Gail reminds him that just last week she caught Tandy digging through Erica’s “skivvy” drawer. Tandy blames Gail for ruining Erica’s birthday surprise. Tandy tells Erica, “Spoiler Alert: you’ve got some nice panties coming your way.” Erica looks disgusted. Tandy tells the group to consider the facts thus far. He says that Karl has ten nicknames. He tells the group that Karl said he was trapped in prison for six years even though it was only four. He tells them that Karl claims to be a “semi-professional pianist but sounds more like Liberace taking a dump on a chalkboard.” Then he refers them back to his notepad with the word “TRASH!!” Erica suggests that he is just being a good housemate. Tandy tells Erica that she is “wrong as a dong all day long and it’s Daylight Savings.” Gail says that her instincts tell her that if Tandy thinks Karl is off then he should be ok because he is a horrible judge of character. Tandy doesn’t believe this. Gail then cites, “Pat. Pamela. Lewis. Phil.” Melissa points out that Tandy tried to kill Todd when they first met. Tandy tells them that Todd will agree with him that Todd was a real dick in the beginning. Carol then chimes in and says that he wasn’t that crazy about her when they first met. Tandy pauses to consider this. Carol asks Tandy to give Karl a chance. Tandy then says that maybe Carol is right.
The next day Karl is sitting at the kitchen counter drinking out of a mug. Tandy walks up and asks what he is slurping. Karl gets agitated and says it is nothing – just tea. Tandy tells him that he certainly seemed to be enjoying it. Karl gets offended and asks if it is a crime now. He asks Tandy if he outlawed the enjoyment of tea. Karl then says that he missed that being locked in jail for four years even though it felt like six. Tandy tells Karl they started off on the wrong foot. He tells Karl he just had twins, his hormones are raging and “his fatherhood instincts are super engorged.” Tandy tells him he would like to jump into their friendship, but Karl says he would like a little more time. Tandy tells him to enjoy his “tizzy” and tells Karl that is tea. Tandy walks out but lingers by the door to spy. He sees Karl drinking his tea that has Gail’s Band-Aid in it. Karl pulls the bandage out, licks it, slurps it and rubs it on his lips. Tandy says, “Band-Aid Tea.” Now he knows that Karl has blown his cover.
Later, Karl walks into Gail’s bedroom and sees that Gail is rubbing ice on her blister while she reads a book. He tells Gail that she is doing it all wrong. Karl instructs Gail to give him the ice cube and get another one. She hands it to him and turns away. He immediately puts it in his mouth, moans and makes orgasmic faces. Gail asks him what is wrong. Karl swallows the cube and tells her nothing is wrong and that he is ready to paint again. Gail’s face lights up and she tells him they should do that. Gail asks if clothes should be on or off and Karl says he will probably keep his on. Gail looks confused. Karl tells her he is going to go set up his painting area. Karl tells her he is going to set up his painting area in a private space so they are free of distractions. He tells her he wants quiet so that he can really “sink his teeth into it.” Then he tells Gail it is just an expression. Gail says she is “dying to get started.” Karl tells her that those are “famous last words.”
Melissa drives up to a dirt road with guard rails. She stops and drops off an igloo. When she pulls away, Jasper walks out in a tiger suit and wheels away the igloo.
Todd is in the kitchen selecting wine. Tandy walks in carrying a tray with salt and pepper shakers and a covered platter. Tandy tells Todd he knows that he was skeptical about his theories on Karl and he wants to apologize. Tandy sets the tray down and tells Todd that as a token, he made him a nice meal. Todd smiles up at Tandy as Tandy lifts off the lid. On the plate are bloody Band-Aids. Tandy looks with disgust at the plate and asks Tandy if they are Band-Aids. Tandy tells him they are and to dig in and that he got him ketchup, mustard and hot sauce. He gives Todd a heads up that the hot sauce might dilute the taste of the congealing blood. Todd tells Tandy he is not going to eat this so Tandy says that is good- more for him. Tandy moves the tray in front of him. Tandy tells Todd that he cut himself earlier so he has tons of used Band-Aids. Then Tandy dips a Band-Aid into mustard and puts it into his mouth as Todd asks him not to do that. Todd is repulsed watching Tandy suck the mustard and blood off the Band-Aid. Tandy tells Todd that it is “O-Positive.” Todd tells Tandy that this is disgusting. Tandy puts the Band-Aid back on his mouth to suck on it. Tandy asks Todd why he doesn’t like eating Band-Aids. Todd says it is because it is “disgusting and weird.” Tandy repeats this. Tandy says he is confused because he saw the “very normal and full vouched for Karl chewing on a used Band-Aid” earlier but he didn’t do anything because they all told him that his instincts were wrong. Todd seems perplexed and asks Tandy if he is serious. Todd asks Tandy what they should do.
Gail enters the basement and knocks on the door. Karl is wearing an apron and set up a studio. She asks him if he is ready and he agrees. Karl is sitting behind an easel painting Gail while music plays in the background. He tells her that it is going “great so far.” Karl asks if Gail told anybody she was doing this and she told him that of course she did not. She tells him that “none of those goobers can keep a secret.” Gail tells him she wants this to be a surprise for Erica. Karl gives Gail a huge smile and tells her he loves surprises. He then closes his eyes, his smiles drops and he moves the paints out of his box to reveal an assortment of knives. Karl looks at his reflection in a knife. He winces, cries and tells Gail he will be right back. Karl leaves crying and Gail asks him where the hell he is going. She yells out for him, gets up and announces, “Whatever.” Gail looks at her portrait and it is very childlike. She says, “Well that sucks.” At the same moment, Tandy and Todd run in with flashlights. They ask her if she saw Karl. Gail motions out the door. They hear car tires leaving the house.
Karl is driving and is talking to himself. He says, “You’ve come too far. These people are your friends. There has to be another way.” Then, he pulls up to a cemetery. Todd and Tandy follow Karl. Karl drives over tombstones. He takes a spade and starts digging. Todd and Tandy are hiding nearby watching him. Todd asks what the hell Karl is doing. Tandy says, “I don’t know. But what I do know is that this situation just went from serious to grave.”
Todd is playing with a Rubik’s Cube while Tandy is using binoculars to spy on Karl. Todd asks for a status report. Tandy says, “Like a nose picker in a dust storm.” Tandy says he is stopping and Todd and Tandy share the binoculars. They observe Karl open a grave, inhale the aroma, open the coffin and pull a piece of flesh off a body. Tandy calls him a freaking weirdo. Then, they watch Karl eat the flesh and raise his arms out and throw his head back. Todd and Tandy drop the binoculars as their eyes bug out and their mouths drop. Tandy says, “Oooooh farts” and then vomits.