UnREAL – Guerilla

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By: Taylor Gates


This episode starts off looking more like the Indianapolis Motor Speedway than the set of “Everlasting.” Chet (Craig Bierko) tells Romeo (Gentry White) and Darius (B.J. Britt) that Darius is going to be riding around on an ATV with explosions going off everywhere. Romeo tells Chet that he’s actually insane, as Darius can’t even play a game of pickup basketball because of his football contracts. There is no way in hell he is going near an explosion.


Rachel (Shiri Appleby) and Quinn (Constance Zimmer) are bitching about men, getting lung cancer and sitting in lawn chairs, as per usual. Coleman (Michael Rady) crashes their party, cheerfully asking how their days are going. Quinn tells him everything is horrible before asking him if his balls have even dropped yet. Coleman brags about his award-winning documentaries and the bidding war that took place for his services. Rachel and Quinn inform him that he’s annoying.


Quinn lets Rachel know that this industry is sexist as hell. If she were a man, she would be in sweatpants banging hot 22-year-olds. She vows to produce girls herself again in order to earn some respect. If they don’t appreciate her after that, she’s out. Rachel reassures Quinn she’s got her back.


Quinn forces Dr. Wagerstein (Amy Hill) to give her the dirt on some of the contestants. Brandi (Monique Ganderton), a mixed martial arts fighter who grew up in foster care, catches her attention, as does uber-sensitive Chantal (Meagan Tandy).


Chet is planning a “Miss America” meets “American Ninja Warrior” competition where the girls have to race through an obstacle course. Darius, Romeo and Chet are going to kick back and watch them compete.


Quinn tells Jay (Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman) and Madison (Genevieve Buechner) that she will be producing two of their girls herself, much to Jay’s dismay.


Rachel sits next to Coleman in the control room, insulting his lack of knowledge about the show and complaining about him allowing Chet to take over. She says that making a documentary about war is going to feel like a piece of cake compared to dealing with these girls. Coleman is unfazed, telling her the only challenging thing about working on this show is pretending like it doesn’t highlight the worst parts of society.


Rachel asks why Coleman would pick Chet’s way of doing things when he clearly gave a horrible pitch. Coleman confirms it’s just because Chet is Gary’s friend—Coleman plans to give Chet the rope to hang himself with, and if he does, Quinn will pick up the slack. If Quinn decides to leave, it will be Rachel’s turn to shine.


Quinn saunters through the dressing room, targeting Brandi. Quinn informs Brandi that she sees a lot of herself in her. Brandi disagrees, as Quinn is a lot fancier than her, but Quinn tells her she hasn’t always been like this—she grew up on a dirt road with no friends and an alcoholic father. She tells Brandi to fight for Darius and not let any of the other girls bully her into giving up.


Coleman, watching this interaction on a monitor, asks Rachel if that information about Quinn is accurate. Rachel says, while they don’t have to be honest while producing, in this case it is true.


Coleman finds it funny that Rachel takes producing reality TV so seriously, but Rachel throws back the fact that he has a trust fund and doesn’t have to worry about making money in his face. Rachel asks Coleman if his girlfriend watches the show, leading to him launching into a big, defensive speech about why they broke up. Rachel cuts him off, smirking and telling him what she just did to him is how they make the show.


Jeremy (Josh Kelly) spies Hot Rachel’s (Monica Barbaros) backside as she stretches, preparing for the obstacle course. The two predictably flirt it up; Jeremy has a very specific type, it seems.


Madison instructs Beth Ann (Lindsay Musil) to talk about “something fun, like Muslims.” Beth Ann accuses them of making her into a big joke, but Madison assures Lindsay that her Twitter followers are skyrocketing every week—people love listening to her speak her mind. Beth Ann agrees to keep saying her controversial opinions and being a “Donald Trump with boobs.”


Back in the dressing room, Jay tells Ruby (Denee Benton) that she has to make like Rihanna and start work, work, work, work, working it if she wants a chance of winning this thing, which Ruby reluctantly agrees to. Quinn goes to talk to Chantal, hinting that Brandi has been talking shit about her.


Quinn goes back to the control room to watch the obstacle course race. On the last obstacle—the rock-climbing wall—Brandi pulls on Chantal’s leg, causing her to fall to the ground. Quinn commands Rachel to put Brandi in the hole.


Rachel goes all “Orange is the New Black” on us and locks Brandi in a small room, causing Brandi to panic and beg to be let out. Quinn tells Madison to prepare Chantal to meet with Darius. Quinn explains to Coleman that she has an endgame, but she needs Chet sidelined in order to accomplish it. Coleman agrees to Quinn’s terms.


Chet does not take kindly to being kicked out. He gets a phone call and asks what the judge decided about custody. Whatever was decided, Chet doesn’t take the answer to that question well either. He throws a tantrum, flinging his phone to the ground.


Rachel hands Darius a teddy bear and balloon, ordering him to give them to Chantal and charm her pain away. She expresses concern for Darius’ health, as he has refused all athletic activity and not been seen working out since he got to the mansion, but Darius brushes her off. Darius goes into the hospital room where Chantal is in full hair and makeup with a fake bandage on her head. Darius tells her he knows what it’s like to be shaken up after a hard hit. Chantal tells him that waking up in Darius’ arms made her see everything more clearly. She explains that she never thought she would love again, but Darius has made her rethink that. Quinn is positively beaming while witnessing this scene.


Ruby watches a party going on from her balcony, feeling out of place. She stops Hot Rachel from joining it just yet, asking for her help. Hot Rachel helps Ruby get ready, assisting her zip up a sexy red dress. Hot Rachel notes that Ruby seems too smart to be on this show, but Ruby replies that all of them are too smart for this nonsense. She looks in the mirror, confident in how she looks.


Darius excuses himself from a conversation in order to greet Ruby. He tells her she cleans up nicely, but they are quickly interrupted by Beth Ann. Annoyed, Ruby asks Beth Ann if she can really see herself dating a black man and everything goes downhill from there. Quinn; however, is unimpressed with the argument, grading it a “B+ at best” due to lack of hair-pulling and scratching. Jay corners Ruby, frustrated she keeps doing the opposite of what he advises her. He realizes that Ruby actually likes Darius, telling her to use her intelligence to gain the upper hand.


Quinn goes to the hole to talk to Brandi. Brandi says that she has confinement issues, but Quinn informs her it doesn’t say anything about that in her social services files. She lies about Chantal’s condition, saying she has a concussion and they’re not sure she’s going to be okay. Quinn tells her the other girls don’t feel safe around her and that everyone thinks she’s crazy. Brandi, on the verge of hyperventilating, begs again to be let out of the room. Quinn strokes her hair, asking if someone hurt her. She then explains she needs to make sure Brandi doesn’t hurt anyone else, locking her in the room again. It’s time to go in for the kill.


Rachel goes to visit Brandi. She’s there to get Brandi ready for her one-on-one date with Darius, but tells her it’s probably just him wanting to say goodbye. Brandi wants to explain what happened when she hurt Chantal, but Rachel says that won’t make a difference. Rachel tells Brandi she needs to let Darius know everything about her painful childhood so he can understand why she did what she did. Rachel says she has faith that Darius will fall in love with her; after all, she’s still a good person despite everything. Coleman is extremely impressed by Rachel’s tactics, telling Quinn that the two of them together are terrifying.


On their date, Brandi tells Darius about her horrible childhood in foster care. One foster father even burnt her with cigarette when she made dinner wrong. She and Darius bond a bit, as his cousin grew up in the system as well. Darius promises her she is safe now, as well as a strong, beautiful woman. They kiss, which makes Quinn “so hard.”


Quinn invites Darius and Dr. Wagerstein into her office, where Brandi’s “mom” is waiting. It turns out, Brandi is a pathological liar who tells her foster care story to get attention. Brandi’s mom pleads with Darius to let him take her home.


At the elimination round, Darius says he’s not going to cut four girls since everything has been so intense lately. The only person he’s sending home is Brandi because she lied about everything. Brandi swears she’s never seen the woman who is her mom in her life, screaming that she didn’t lie before physically attacking Darius. Quinn is deep into celebration mode, proclaiming that they’re going to sweep the Emmys. She admits to Coleman that Brandi’s mom is just an actress.


Romeo is livid that Quinn let Darius get beat up by a girl on national television, but all Darius wants to do is forget about it and go to bed. Chet comes barreling into the room, furious that they’re hurting Darius’ image instead of helping it. Quinn proclaims that “shit is going to change” once the network sees how great this episode is and that both Chet and Coleman are going to be out to make room for Quinn. Chet tries to keep Darius and Romeo on his side, but they’re not on Team Chet anymore.


Coleman joins Rachel in the control room, musing that what they did was “genius, but awful.” Rachel tells him not to worry about pushback, as nobody is going to believe Brandi. Coleman asks Rachel why she’s still at “Everlasting”—with her skill, she could be doing so much more. Rachel refuses to walk away from the show, as she’s been pushing for a black suitor for years and believes this season could cause cultural change if they get the story right. He tells her that if she does ever want to walk away, he’ll lend her some money from his trust fund. Rachel laughs, playfully calling him a jerk.


Chet calls up his ex-bae Cynthia, telling her he wants their son to hear his voice. Cynthia promptly hangs up the phone. Good for you, Cynthia.


Quinn calls up Gary, bragging about how stellar the episode she made is. She makes sure to emphasize the fact that she did it all by herself, not-so-subtly hinting she wants Coleman to get the F out. Everyone is summoned outside to where Gary (Christopher Cousins) is pulling up in his super fancy ride, complete with an EVRLSTING license plate. Gary throws the keys to Coleman as a reward for all his hard work, singing his praises all the while.


Gary pulls Quinn aside, telling her not to get too full of herself, as Coleman is the only reason she’s doing her best work. He informs her that Rachel came to him about Quinn and Chet being unprofessional. Quinn shoots Rachel a glare and Rachel (understandably) looks like she wants to die. Gary tells Quinn to get control of her people and she menacingly reassures him that she will.


Rachel, presumably scared for her life, flees to an office. Coleman follows her, telling her that she doesn’t need Quinn because together they can make shows that people actually need in their lives. The two begin making out, but they are interrupted by Madison telling Rachel that Darius needs her over the walkie talkie.


In the last moments of the episode, Chet picks up his son from his crib and possibly kidnaps him. Rachel goes into Darius’ room, asking if he’s okay. Darius, very not okay, tells her to come inside and close the door.

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