Will & Grace – Staten Island Fairy
By: Kelly Kearney
Dating unavailable men is just part of Jack’s charm, but now that he’s **gasp** middle aged, settling down might be right around the corner thanks to his closeted new boo, Officer Drew. Can Jack trade in the hook up culture for monogrammed his and his towels or will he continue to play the field until he scores touchdowns with every “mo” in New York City? Unless he wants to end up like Will and Grace, arguing over moist bed linens on QVC, he better grab the love when its offered.
Ancient Gay Clichés
It’s early morning at Will’s (Eric McCormack) apartment and Jack’s (Sean Hayes) prattling on about his one-month anniversary with Drew (Ryan Pinkston) the closeted cop from Vince’s wedding. A no strings relationship is exactly what he’s been looking for and Drew’s wife Angela (Mackenzie Marsh) doesn’t suspect a thing now that they’ve convinced her Jack is married to Karen (Megan Mullally). Will wonders if maybe this is that age old “ancient gay cliché” about dating unavailable men to avoid commitment, but Jack and his “Staten Island Fairy” have it all figured out. Besides, dating unavailable men means no awkward questions like, “what’s your middle name?” or “what’s your name” and that’s Just Jack’s style. It’s not like he’s completely new to the male/male relationship dynamic as he’s “asked plenty of men to put a ring on it…just not on my finger,” he says. Missing the point by a mile is one of Jack McFarland’s finest qualities only second to fat shaming his friend Will, both of which he does with superior style until he’s interrupted by an exuberant Mrs. McFarland and Grace (Debra Messing). The ladies have good news, “Grace has an STD!” Of course, Karen got that wrong. Grace scored a show on QVC to sell her linens and Will is thrilled…if he’s the one directing Grace’s on-air performance. Like an energizer Bunny that just won’t quit, Will flies into manager mode and starts planning out the show. He even makes the mistake of telling Karen that QVC means she needs to pick up the slack at the office and it’s a good thing she didn’t hear him thanks to her imaginary ear muffs because nobody tells Walker to drop the drink and get to work. Since Grace is the owner of the company she has her own ideas of how this QVC show should go and the two BFF’s start to argue over the best way to make a profit. Will, who’s more right brained and finance oriented starts to mansplain his ideas to Grace, the artist and someone who knows what people respond to. Knowing Grace isn’t fast on her feet, especially since she was kicked out of her college improv group, “the She-nanigans,” Will thinks he’s more suited for live TV. The two go back and forth until finally, Grace pulls rank and tells Will that she will represent her company and he can just deal with it. Unfortunately, this is Will we’re talking about and controlling everything, including Grace, is his forte. Pulling rank over her partner seems like a good idea in theory, but knowing Will he won’t be able to contain himself the minute they hit the studio.
Two gay men in a mancave
It’s bro-time in the Staten Island mancave with Jack and Drew. The two men are supposed to be watching the big game but seem to be confusing sports with plotlines from West Side Story. Drew must’ve blown the closet door off its hinges because not only does he want to tell his wife he’s gay, but he’s also considering adding assless chaps to his wardrobe. Speaking of Angela (Mackenzie Marsh), she’s upstairs making pizza rolls and has somehow missed the fact her husband, like a car, is sporting that “New Gay Smell.” All this talk of coming out and musical hockey references has Jack worried his causal relationship is about to turn serious and he tries convincing Drew to downplay his glittery side. “Don’t you want to be Vice President some day?” Jack asks, but Drew feels guilty he’s keeping this secret from his wife.
Enter Karen who has come to play the part of Jack’s overly amorous wife and who doesn’t love an intense snoggfest between Jack and his partner in crime? The two greet each other with a French kiss that somehow manages to send Karen into a flashback from her childhood, one that was anything but open and honest. Karen’s mother is exactly like you would assume she would be, crass, drunk and bouncing from man to man. Slipping Karen her first taste of Southern Comfort to forget mommy in bed with a man that isn’t daddy makes Karen realize that secrets ruin lives. Secrets kind of like hiding who you are and lying to your wife about bro-time in the mancave? Karen snaps out of her stagger down memory lane and up and outs Drew to his wife! She can’t have her best friend’s life ruined by a secret, regardless of the fact he was fine going undercover with his cop love.
America Loves Heteronormative Will and Grace
Grace arrives at the QVC studios early thanks to cancelled Lisa Rinna show and when Will shows up he’s all a fluster. He’s also full of great advice like not uttering the word “moist” when Grace is talking about the sheets because, “…people hate the word moist.” Will is spiraling into a full-on control freak and even the feminist P.A. (Lauren Weedman) wants to cut the breaks on his mansplaining crazy train. “My penis has done nothing to you,” he says, but toning down his drama would go a long way to impressing the woman and keeping Grace calm since she’s about to lose it. As the cameras begin to roll, Will demands an ear piece to feed Grace lines but all it winds up doing is confusing her which turns into a linen selling tornado of awkward. Not only does she drop the moist bomb, she’s blathering on in half sentences and non-sequiturs as Will attempts to take control of her from the sidelines. He jumps on stage, taking over the show and Grace is done, she pulls out her ear piece, telling the audience Will, “apparently knows everything about everything.” Who can blame Grace for bombing when Will won’t shut up about linen affordability and her frightening Pennywise smile? The ‘SHEET’ hits the fan and Will can’t stop is micromanaging Grace sending the two friends into a full on, live TV, fight. It’s barely two minutes in when Will turns to the P.A. and asks if they can cut to commercial only this is QVC, they are the commercial. Like an old married couple, they argue the show to its literal death because the P.A. says she’s ready to pull the plug. Only at the last second the show’s director and her husband (Andy Buckley) asks her to keep the cameras rolling. The switchboard is lit up like a Christmas tree with callers that love Will and Grace! Most are salty husbands and wives who saw ether own marital issues in the two bickering friends. It’s not just Karen and Jack who think these two are the perfect married homo/hag couple, but America’s shoppers are dishing out the big bucks for their heteronormative banter! The camera keeps rolling and the sheets keep selling but Will and Grace have no idea their friendship is on display for all of America to see.
Don’t be a Slow Mo, Drop the Homo Fomo
At the office, Jack shows up to give Karen a piece of his mind. Sure, he’s angry that Karen outed Drew to his wife since that’s his diction but he’s angrier about his hook up turning serious. Not only did Angela already suspect Drew was gay, but she happily accepted the new him and even threw the man a coming out party! Jack is livid because what was a fun friend with benefits thing is about to change and he blames it all on Karen and her meddling. Karen is not sure what came over her since she doesn’t believe in love and the fact she set them up is proof! Still, she doesn’t want her best friend, occasional husband and make out partner in crime angry at her so to make him feel better, she offers to let him slap her as hard as he can. Jack gets distracted by Drew texting he’s downstairs with a gift and Karen winds up slapping Jack instead. From tongue wrestling to trading blows, nobody does friendship like these two and that’s why it’s no surprise Karen just wanted what was best for Jack. It becomes clear when Drew enters the office with a cat clock gift and it sends Karen into another Mommy Dearest flashback. This time her mother is still forcing little Karen to keep her secrets as she pretends to love man after man while supplying her daughter with booze. Deep down, Karen knows secrets are poison and they ruined her mother’s life, she doesn’t want that for Jack. She snaps back to reality and tells him to give up his Homo Fomo (fear of missing out on another homo) or he will become a Slow Mo (Slowly turning into a Lonely Homo). Jack decides to make it work one day at a time, depending on how long it takes to binge watch “Riverdale” and Drew is ecstatic. Standing on an ottoman to reach, Drew kisses Jack to seal their new day by day commitment and it’s all thanks to Karen’s nightmare of a mother.
Love and Gay/Straight marriage
Back at QVC, Will and grace are laying on a prop bed and the two, finally realized they need each other. Sure, Will is nitpicky and overbearing and Grace is flighty and food motivated, but the one thing they both have in common, is love for the other. America agrees because when the cameras stop rolling the sheets have all sold out! Apparently, America loves their sheets and their brand of heteronormative chemistry because even after the word moist all their products sold out! Grace by Grace Adler Designs Bed Linens were a hit and it’s all thanks to their loving marital vibes, warts and all. The two partners decide to celebrate their big success and maybe they will, if they can stop arguing long enough to decide on which drink is best for a toast. Old habits die hard with these two, but one thing is for sure is that no matter if you’re gay or straight, love is love and that’s something we can all relate to.