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Wynonna Earp – Let’s Pretend We’re Strangers

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By: Michelle Lopez

 

We open on a man, who we’ll call Mark, being dragged and placed on a ceremonial chopping block by a group of guys dressed in red robes with plague doctor masks who call themselves “The Order.” Their leader, Ewan (Brendan Fehr), drags an ax in while Mark begs for his life. When it’s clear that Mark’s not getting out of this, his very own goo demon takes control. The demon promises “the others” will get revenge and then Ewan chops his head off.

On the Homestead, a now goo-ified Wynonna (Melanie Scrofano), “Goononna”, has tied up Waverly (Dominique Provost-Chalkley) and is busy preparing some breakfast. Goononna whips up a delightful smoothie which includes home fries, raw bacon and a rat served in a glass with a salted rim and rat tail garnish. Ignoring the smoothie, Waverly mentions collecting shiny metal for the goo, which reminds Goononna that there’s still a lot of work to be done in the next twelve hours since Gooverly was a bit of a slacker. Waverly tries to get Wynonna to fight, but the goo is having no trouble overpowering her. Waverly’s chock-full of goodness — hence the goo’s struggles — but Wynonna’s got plenty of darkness for the goo to take advantage of. Waverly keeps on fighting, which prompts Goononna to grab a saw and prepare to kill the Earpiest of Earps. When her baby sister’s life is at stake, Wynonna regains control long enough to assure Waverly she’s fighting. When Doc (Tim Rozon) pulls up, Goononna’s back. She shoves a rag in Waverly’s mouth and promises to catch her sister on the flippity-flop.

Goononna heads outside and objectifies Doc with the full force of the female gaze to distract from Waverly’s absence. Goononna claims Waverly’s too hungover to leave the house, which is Doc’s first sign that something amiss. Inside Waverly, still tied to a chair and gagged, kicks over a knife block to get Doc’s attention but fails. When they drive off, she knocks her chair over in one last attempt at breaking free.

At Black Badge (BB), Doc delivers the plate from the last episode to Jeremy (Varun Saranga) while Wynonna snarfs donuts like it’s her job. Jeremy licks the plate and since it doesn’t taste like lead, he figures it’s been painted over. He scans it and finds a symbol underneath, which Goononna (tapping into Wynonna’s memory) identifies as the symbol on the volunteer fire hall. Jeremy heads off to BB HQ to compare the symbol with their archives. Doc wants to go check out the fire hall, but Goononna’s not interested in investigating the plate her sister lost a hand over…which is sign number two for Doc. Sign number three is when Goononna forgets her own story about Waverly being hungover.

Waverly’s still tied up on the ground when she hears footsteps approaching. She calls out that she’s armed and is relieved when it’s only Dolls (Shamier Anderson). He sets her chair upright and holds her at gunpoint, thinking she’s still got the demon inside her. Too bad he’s “an hour late and an Earp short.” Dolls questions her but doesn’t believe her until she breaks down and apologizes for leaving him to die in the barn.

At Purgatory PD, Nicole (Katherine Barrell) asks Goononna (who’s busy adjusting her ill-fitting bra) about Waverly. Goononna (who unlike Gooverly) does not ship “WayHaught” tells Nicole she’s smothering Waverly and needs to give her some space and to stop trying to force her into her perfect girlfriend mold. Nicole storms out of the room and completely misses Wynonna breaking through and writing “possessed.” Goononna punishes Wynonna for fighting by stabbing their hand with the pen. Doc calls out for Wynonna to get a move on so Goononna heals their hand and they head off to start their day.

At the Homestead, Waverly (still tied up) recounts to Dolls her seven-week battle with the goo. Whenever Gooverly took over Waverly’s memory goes blank, but she felt the goo multiplying inside her becoming “Legion.” Dolls isn’t surprised as he surmised “Legion” at the same time as Waverly. Dolls assures her nothing will stop them from trying to save Wynonna, not even the righteous fury of Lucado (Kate Drummond) who’s snuck up behind Dolls with a pistol.

At a diner in town, Doc watches as Goononna destroys some perfectly fine pancakes with a ridiculous amount of maple syrup and…hot sauce? She also adds a ton of sugar and cream to her coffee. At the rate Goononna’s going, she’ll end up in sugar coma before lunch. While munching on her breakfast, Goononna tries to lure Doc away from their duty in favor of some motel sex, but every alarm is going off in Doc’s head. When Goononna gets aggressive over non-refillable pancakes, he throws some cash on the table and drags her outside.

Back at the Homestead, Dolls and Lucado face off in a confrontation that’s been a long time coming. Lucado wants her briefcase back because she still thinks it’s possible to get back in BB’s good graces. Dolls reminds her that she abandoned the two agents who retrieved that briefcase so it’s not really hers…and she’s probably fired if BB finds out (and fired from BB means dead. RIP Eliza). Waverly helplessly looks on as Dolls and Lucado break out into a no-holds-barred fight to the death. They tackle each other. They punch each other. And Lucado throws Dolls through as many walls/windows/stair railings as possible. Done watching her newly refurbished house get destroyed by Hurricane Lucado, Waverly yanks her recently regenerated hand out of its bonds. She grabs her trusty shotgun and fires a shot into the ceiling (at this point, what’s a few bullet holes?) and tells the assholes destroying her house they’ve got bigger fish to fry. Wynonna’s possessed and the situation is balls!

In Purgatory’s Museum of Axes (the fire house), Goononna senses that many of her goo brethren met their demise here. She starts to get riled up when Ewan walks over and asks if they want a tour. Goononna begins to get a case of the vapors, which Ewan notices. He explains that they’re standing on consecrated ground and “sinners” tend to be a smidge affected. Goononna pulls out a steak knife to take Ewan on and it’s the final straw for Doc; he drags her out of there while Ewan celebrates finding the last part of the goo demon. Outside, Goononna asks for some water while she recovers from her vapors, but Doc’s sick of this imposter so he throws Goononna in the trunk and drives off to BB.

Dolls doesn’t appreciate Doc showing up unannounced with Possessed Wynonna. They drag her through the halls as she overpowers them one at a time, but never able to get away. Seeing her big sister under the goo’s control has Waverly apologizing profusely, but all Goononna’s got are some biblical-sounding death threats.

With Goononna locked away, the team tries to find a way to save her. Since Dolls and Lucado have been blacklisted from BB, there’s no backup coming. Lucado asks Waverly and Doc to get a sample of the tentacle goo WITHOUT TOUCHING IT. With the two naïve agents gone, Dolls and Lucado get down to brass tacks. The goo is the same demon, Mictian, that momentarily possessed Dolls via the obsidian mirror they used to summon Mr. “Tick-Tock, forgiven?” from S1E4. They need proof that this goo demon is, in fact, Mictian in the form of blood, tissue and bone. Time for our second amputation of the season!

At the fire hall, Ewan and Juan Carlos (Shaun Johnston) discuss the unfortunate circumstances surrounding the latest Earp heir. Juan Carlos wants The Order and Wynonna to team up, but Ewan is more concerned with wiping Mictian off the face of the Earth. Juan Carlos is insightful but, unfortunately, holds no actual power so The Order is going to kill the Earp heir tonight.

Goononna’s not surprised when Dolls shows up at her cell. She tries to manipulate Dolls via his love for Wynonna, but he knows it’s not his Wynonna flaunting her…many impressive physical attributes. Dolls grabs Goononna’s hand and prepares to cut off a finger. She pretends to be scared and helpless, but actual Wynonna takes control long enough to give Dolls the okay. He chops off her finger and rushes out of the room while Goononna shows off her hand, fully intact.

When Dolls returns to Lucado’s office with the severed finger, Lucado’s less interested in the finger and more interested in Goononna’s reaction to him dismembering her. She’d much rather turn Wynonna in to BB to get back in their good graces, but Dolls pulls a gun on Lucado and tells her to get going with the crazy science.

Out at the archway where Waverly touched the goo, Waverly comments on Doc’s hot new mixologist, which carries a lot more weight now that Waverly’s on team “chicks dig scars.” Juan Carlos shows up like a video game NPC handing out missions and warns them that Wynonna’s in mortal danger if they don’t give The Order something they want more than killing Mictian.

At BB, Dolls has found a way to unbind Mictian from Wynonna while Lucado has successfully melted Goononna’s finger into a brand-new batch of goo. The goo sings to Lucado, much like it did to sweet little Waverly, so she ignores Dolls warnings and TOUCHES THE DAMN GOO! Mictian takes control, but Lucado fights it off long enough to tell Dolls to hide before Mictian blows her head up like a can of spaghetti in the microwave. RIP Lucado.

Waverly and Doc return to BB and find Dolls in a hazmat suit scrubbing up the goo-mains of Lucado. Waverly assumes Dolls killed her, which makes no sense unless he shoved a goo-grenade in her mouth a ran. Dolls clarifies she touched the goo, but Waverly doesn’t understand where they got more goo from. To avoid explaining how he lopped off Wynonna’s finger, Dolls drags them aside to explain the elixir he found that’ll get Mictian out of Wynonna…which is all well and good but what are they going to do with it once it’s out of her? Wynonna’s the only one that can fire Peacemaker, so they’ll be stuck with a pissed-off demon and no way to kill it. Dolls and Doc figure their guns can keep it at bay, but Waverly’s got a plan. While Dolls and Doc’s flask create the elixir, Waverly sneaks off to talk to Goononna and quickly realizes that she can’t save Wynonna but Wynonna can save her (which is effectively Waverly saving them both). She holds Peacemaker to Goononna’s face and forces the goo to jump from Wynonna to her. Doc and Dolls rush in as Gooverly heads out to complete their plans. Wynonna explains what the goo’s plan is and they head to to the Homestead to stop Mictian.

Lurking about the Homestead, The Order sees Gooverly enter the barn and they prepare to end their war with Mictian. Ewan gives an “uplifting” speech and they head over to the barn to kill our sweet Waverly.

Nicole’s in the barn inspecting the lightning rod made of shiny metal trinkets that the goo has created. When lightning strikes the rod as Gooverly holds on, Mictian and Waverly will be permanently merged. Nicole’s concerned about fire safety, but Gooverly’s more concerned with keeping Wynonna away. She tells Nicole that Wynonna’s possessed and aims to hurt her so Nicole jumps into protective mode and promises to keep Waverly safe.

Outside, The Order pours holy water around the barn to keep Gooverly in and keep Wynonna (who they think is Goononna) out. Wynonna is ready to shoot every guy wearing a plague doctor mask, but Doc (realizing their leverage) pulls out the plate. Ewan agrees to give Wynonna, after she chugs a bottle of holy water, fifteen minutes before Waverly becomes “collateral damage.”


Inside, Nicole tries to protect her girl so she ignores everything Wynonna says until Waverly orders her to shoot Wynonna. That’s the most un-Waverly thing ever so Nicole turns around to see Gooverly, who throws her into a wheelbarrow and knocks her out. Wynonna breaks through to Waverly by mentioning injured Nicole; she needs Waverly to drink the elixir but Waverly can’t move. Waverly reminds her of a time she forced her to drink grape soda (yuck) until it came out her nose. Wynonna punches her, knocks her to the ground and forces Waverly to drink the elixir. Waverly proceeds to violently vomit up a ridiculous amount of goo…and Mictian, who Wynonna shoots dead. Nicole wakes up and rushes to Waverly’s side; they kiss until Wynonna interrupts them once again.

Dolls finds Jeremy in the BB office and brings up Lucado’s death, but Jeremy’s got bigger news. He went to HQ and BB is gone.

Wynonna stops by the fire hall to talk to Ewan. He tries to play nice but Wynonna’s got more than enough people to worry about so she tells him to take care of her briefcase and bounces.

Wynonna returns home and is surprised to find Waverly since she was supposed to be staying at Nicole’s. When Mictian repossessed Waverly, it told her Wynonna’s secrets. Wynonna panics over this news while attempting to play it cool, but Waverly’s not concerned with Wynonna’s past. She’s concerned with Wynonna’s future. She hands over a bag that’ll explain a secret Wynonna’s not even aware of. Cut to Waverly knocking on the bathroom door checking on Wynonna. It turns out our badass gun-slinging hero is pregnant.

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