American Horror Stories – The Naughty List

By: Kelly Kearney

Fire up the yule log because it’s Christmas in July – “American Horror Stories” style! In the fourth episode of the anthology spin off we head into the “Bro House” where four Gen-Z influencers Zinn, Wyatt, Barry and James record their lavish party life for all the bragging rights their fans can award them. But online trends are fickle and easily replaced by the next “big thing,” which pushes the members of Bro House to reinvent their party channel with a deadly outcome none of them saw coming. So, jingle those bells and deck the halls with horror because a Santa’s Slay is coming in hot for these naughty boys.

Their Fifteen Minutes of Fame is Almost Up!

Middle aged influencers are not a thing, and as the members of Bro-House gradually approach thirty, a fresh look for their party channel is a must; but for now they are quite happy to throw ragers in their fan bought mansion. To say the four protagonists of this story are unlikable is an understatement. Cringe-watching is the only way to get through the first twenty-or-so minutes where Wyatt (Charles Melton), Barry (Kevin McHale), James (Dyllon Burnside) and Zinn (Nico Greetham) walk us through their channel content of glitz, glam and vapid chest beating. The Bros need a fresh look for their tired gimmick and Zinn has an idea. When recording content next to a bridge in town, he spots what appears to be a suicidal man standing on the ledge. Knowing the Bro House account could use an uptick in views, Zinn squashes any ideas about calling 9-1-1 and convinces the others to record the man’s swan dive. After discussing whether or not recording a suicide is wrong, (with Barry being the only one who takes the stance against it) they eventually agree to let the video roll just as the man falls to his death. Assuming that even bad press is still good press, the Bro House is shocked when they release the footage at one of their house parties and their fans are disgusted and start unfollowing their account. Who knew profiting off a man’s death would be so unpopular (cue Logan Paul)? As the Bro House lands under the cancel culture bus and thousands of fans unfollow the account, their Kraken Energy Drink sponsor pulls their funding which really puts a cramp in their style. As Wyatt points out, he is not moving back in with his parents! And now that they’re in danger of losing their rented mansion the bros head back to the drawing board for a new idea.

Of course, if it weren’t for bad ideas the Bros would have none because once their glamorous lifestyle starts to dull and their content lands in outrage chambers of social media, Zinn produces another winning (losing) strategy: Lets be fake gay! Nobody is safe from their offensive rhetoric. The four bros start uploading gay baiting videos in hopes of attracting women (yes, that’s a thing). Wyatt, who worries people will think they are actually gay, adopts the offensive hashtag “no homo” after every fake interaction as if that wink and nod to their fans will clue them in to the truth. Short of full-on group make out orgies, the Bros are really selling their rainbow lifestyle but the fans are not buying it. In fact, the whole point of them becoming influencers in the first place was to hook-up with women. And after a car full of female hotties ignores them, they realize the gay for pay idea isn’t working.

Enter idea number three: Go to the mall where kids are lining up to take photos with Santa (Danny Trejo) and record their reactions when Zinn announces the jolly old Saint Nick is just a myth and isn’t real. Why he thought this would work is beyond all common sense, but since this four lacks any shred of that, they double down on the Santa public slaying and the children are not amused. Even less so is the mall Santa, who seethes with rage behind his white pasted on beard. The Bros have messed with the wrong guy and when the soft-spoken Santa says to Zinn, “You’ll get what you deserve,” you just know that red suited King of Christmas is not messing around.

Just Hear those SLAY-Bells Jingling, Ring Tingle Tingling Too…

After their nightmare before Christmas antics at the mall the Bros are bleeding out followers faster than they can make new and utterly shameful content. Enter L.A. Homicide Detective Deena Gibbs (Taneka Johnson), who calls Zinn to tell them she saw their Santa video and it’s linked to a case she is working on. The Santa they captured on film wasn’t the one the mall hired and is, in fact, a wanted serial killer who murders mall Santas to take their place. Standing in the crime scene over his latest dismembered victim wrapped up like a gift, Det. Gibbs wants the Bros to come down to the precinct for questioning.

Later that night while the guys are deciding what their next move is, Wyatt is killed when he runs into in the killer Santa in the garage who proceeds to break his neck while recording the entire gruesome scene. When the video is uploaded to the Bros account, the three remaining guys start to notice their notifications in meltdown mode. It’s a subscriber frenzy and they assume Wyatt has hidden CGI skills that could save their channel. They have no idea the video is real and their friend is dead. Zinn goes off to congratulate Wyatt for a job well done while Barry and James get online to learn about the urban legend of Santa Clause. That video just doesn’t sit right with the two of them. When they realize this psycho-killer-Santa is actually a pagan God armed with a club made of bone who is summoned to annihilate all the naughty people on earth, they are too late to save their friend, Zinn and themselves.

Outside the mansion Zinn comes face to face with Wyatt’s killer who hits him over the head with his boney weapon, shoves mistletoe down his throat and ties him up in blinking lights like a Christmas present he is mailing to the afterlife. As the camera rolls the killer Santa-God tosses Zinn into the pool, subsequently electrocuting him to death to the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.”  Once that video uploads it’s a social media sensation that finds the Bro House adding subscribers faster than they can scream for help. Next to die is James who gets a candy cane arrow right through his neck, with Barry narrowly avoiding the same fate but catching a peppermint pointy boy right in the thigh. He is the lone survivor of the Bro House until he isn’t. It is true that Barry had been tempted by decency, but when it mattered most he allowed fame and success to cloud his judgement; and his encounter with the Christmas vigilante God is no different. As Santa pours gasoline down the chimney, Barry is glowing with pride when he gets the notification of five million subscribers to the Bro House channel. Instead of trying to save himself, he is glued to the celebratory GIF for finally reaching the highpoint of influencer fame. As he cheers for a success, he will never be able to share with his friends, Santa drops the match. In the end the Bros got what they wanted: to be internet infamous and legends of the trend. Their deaths are a modern moral lesson that takes a page right out of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein where one man’s (or group of bros) creation can unleash a horror that will become their undoing. The monster in this episode isn’t the pagan God dressed in red velvet, but the quest for fame no matter the costs.

As the episode draws to a close, Det. Gibbs is seen staring at the present Santa left her: A Christmas tree decorated with the limbs of the Bros, with Zinn’s decapitated head shining at the top of the boughs like the star he thought he was. The following year the pagan God is back on the job and sniffing out the next Santa he was sent to replace. If the urban legend is true, Christmas can be “A Wonderful Life” if you are nice, but if you make the naughty list there is no amount of cookies and milk that will save you.