Ask Cammie – Supergirl

By: Cammien Ray

Ask Cammie #1 – Supergirl

[Disclaimer: This is an advice column for fictional characters. Any recommendations that involve superpowers, destroying villainous government agencies, or flying, should not be attempted at home.]

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Dear Cammie,

I’m in a bit of a love triangle situation – I mean is it a love triangle if it’s two guys or three guys? Do I count as one of the three points? Maybe it’s not a love triangle if I don’t “love, love” any of them. I mean, I don’t know. So, I guess that’s why I’m writing for advice from a stranger. Anyway, there’s this guy I liked for ages (maybe it was more like a couple months, really), but once we started dating (like… the day we started dating, actually), suddenly it didn’t seem to make sense for us anymore. I felt like I was too busy to really invest time in a relationship when the world needs saving (figuratively, of course) and like maybe we were trying too hard and I just…Well, we aren’t together now.

But then there’s this other guy and it’s really complicated because I thought he didn’t like me – I mean, I thought he liked anyone except me really (not like we are sworn enemies or anything, it’s just like he seemed to like other girls and maybe he is used to different… dating customs?), but then he kissed me. He got sick, which caused him to forget we kissed (it’s a long story) and now I don’t know whether to tell him I remember, or how I feel. mean,  I don’t really know how I feel – I’ve been a bit busy with other stuff and a new job.

Anyway, one problem here is that I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. Sometimes my friends feel like worlds away. My boss, who usually talked to me about this stuff, is not around anymore. There is a good friend of mine who I’d go to but… he used to like me too and I don’t know if he still does or not (it was a whole other thing…), but regardless it’d feel weird to go to him with guy problems, all things considered. Normally, I’d talk to my sister about this before anyone else, but she has a new relationship. It is fantastic for her, but I don’t want to bring her down from her kind-of heart-fluttering love high, you know? Plus, I mean, there’s this other girl but… I just met her and she’s great, interesting and pretty. I think we may be friends eventually but I she’s really intimidating and we’re not really friends yet, so…

As you can see, my love life is…confusing. I don’t know what I should do, who I should be with or if I’m over thinking it. I don’t know who else to go to so, help.

Regards,

A-Totally-Normal-Not-At-All-Super-Girl

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Dear A-Totally-Normal-Not-At-All-Super-Girl,

There are quite a few problems you list in your question to me. Fortunately, for everyone, the answer to the question “which guy should I date” is short and simple: if you don’t know which person to date, the answer is probably none of them. You – and anyone else – deserve to be in a relationship where it is abundantly, heart-flutteringly (to use the term you used for your sister and her girlfriend) clear who you like. Feeling guilty that you don’t have the time to spend on someone, that you don’t like them the way they like you, that you’re not sure or that you haven’t figured it out yet – none of those are reasons to date someone. So, that’s the easy part: you don’t need to do anything (or anyone).

Now onto the stickier bit: the part about you not having someone to talk to about it. Many times these issues where you don’t know what to do pop up when you don’t have enough people close to you to bounce ideas off of and female friendships. In fact, the bit about not having a friend to talk to about these things (or at least, this particular thing) seems to be eating away at you more than the which-guy part. Problems, of course, become less daunting when you have some super friends to help take them on. So, it sounds like you have a great sister who as you said you can usually go to with things, but just not right at this moment maybe. You mention you just started a new job so you may not be on life-advice terms with anyone there right now. It seems like you may be in a position where seeking out more friendships is what you really need, the kind where you can call them in the middle of the night to eat popcorn with you after a rough day and watch re-runs of old detective shows. The kind where you drag each other out to try new things like boxing. The kind where you can spill all your questions and wonderings too, though writing in to advice columns is great too of course. And not to diss romance – I like romance as much as (or much more than) the next person, but I’m guessing you might need more of these friendships and less of the series of unfortunate men and vying for your romantic attention.

As an aside, returning to your mention of keeping secrets from a totally-not-an-alien-enemy guy about “the kiss” and him potentially also keeping secrets from you: When people say secrets and lies are bad for relationships, they are not just saying that to stomp on everyone’s fun and rid the world of the passionate spies-in-love stories. We say that secrets and lies are bad for relationships because they eliminate the entire purpose of a relationship: to have a partner who has your back. If they lie to you, they don’t trust you. They don’t see you as an equal partner. They don’t prioritize your opinions and responses. They are not interested in your input. Keeping secrets hurts the both of you. So, if you feel the need to keep info from someone and lies are a safer option than the truth, it likely means that deep down you’re aware that you can’t trust them with this information, that their input and reaction is unnecessary or even unsafe.

Run as fast as you can in the direction of your goals and then see who is still alongside of you. See who is treating you like a partner, without lies or secrecy, and who you trust enough to do the same in return. Then, you might have the makings of a partner who will last longer than a tragic star-crossed spies-in-love situation.

Sending some totally-not-superhuman good luck your way.

– Cammie