ClexaCon 2017 – A Look Back, A Step Forward

By: Krista Freego

The Fantastic Four. This is the group that I spent most of my 1^st ClexaCon experience with.

Rachel @LezbrosNfrnz, Me @freegolaw, Katherine @kleffnotes and Tina

A Little About Me:

My name is Krista and I am a 38-year old woman who came out last year publicly as being gay. I am devoted to my Rottweilers, my family, my friends and my amazing girlfriend. I am a hopeless romantic Hufflepuff. I root for the underdog. I overthink everything and I sing and dance without the aid of alcohol. I cry during movies and shows, that I find poignant. I honestly believe that if I move my body in a certain direction while I am playing video games that my character in the game will move faster and better (as such, I am terrible at video games). I have a nonexistent sense of direction. I pride myself on being able to help others acclimate to new situations and experiences more quickly than I could when I was in their position. I find my escape through good stories: books, movies, tv shows and web series. Had I not attended ClexaCon in 2017, I know for certain my life would be completely different today and utterly lacking.

What is ClexaCon:

ClexaCon is the first and largest multi-fandom event for LGBTQ women and allies. ClexaCon brings together thousands of diverse LGBTQ fans and content creators from around the world to celebrate positive representation for LGBTQ women in the media.  ClexaCon is being held this year in Vegas from April 5^th until April 9^th, 2018. ClexaCon provides a platform to build community, bringing together a diverse group of LGBTQ fans and content creators from around the world. Networking events connect filmmakers, actors and industry professionals while panels, workshops and autograph sessions connect creators with fans. ClexaCon aims to empower media creators to produce and distribute more positive LGBTQ content, providing educational resources for the community to aid in the push for better representation. ClexaCon strives to lay the foundation for improved visibility within the media while encouraging more LGBTQ women to participate in creating the stories they desire.

ClexaCon 2017: A Journey of a Thousand Miles Starts with a Single Step

ClexaCon started on March 3, 2017. I did not make the decision to attend ClexaCon until mid-February of 2017. I was only out to my closest friends. I had come out officially to both of my parents in November and to say that did not go well would be an understatement if ever there was one. I have been telling my mom since 2004 that I was gay and she had been ignoring me since long before that. You can call it selective memory or just simply denial, both are accurate. I also officially came out to both of my siblings in November. One was great about it, the best response of anyone in my family, and the other was more akin to my parents. If you know my sisters, you can figure out pretty easily which is which.

Initially, I was on the fence about going to ClexaCon for many reasons. It was expensive and I was barely getting by financially at the time. I was living off of tap water and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the occasional splurge of McDonalds. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find a job in a diverse area of New York and thus seemed destined to continue to live isolated and alone. Aside from dear friends, none of whom were local, no one knew my truth and I felt so very alone in the world. In truth, this was one of the most difficult times in my life. While I very much wanted to get away from the realities of my life for a weekend and immerse myself in gay culture and the LGBTQ+ community, I did not see the point. Why drink the sweetest nectar one moment when it was more likely than not that you would be drinking nothing but tap water for the rest of your existence? Thankfully, I changed my mind and was able to find a friend that was willing to go with me (Tina, pictured above) so I wouldn’t be all alone. Going to ClexaCon was the opposite of what I expected. Going did not make life after ClexaCon more difficult as in actuality it made my life after ClexaCon better than it has ever been.

If I am being honest with myself and with you, I had been lying to myself about my orientation for decades. I would convince myself that I was just jealous that my friend was spending more time with her boyfriend or that I was so enthralled with this girl because of what she accomplished. I constantly told myself, I just want to be like her, I don’t want to be with her. I lied to myself over and over and over again. It shouldn’t be surprising that none of my relationships with boys worked out. I always felt empty inside, like something was missing. To be fair, back then I did not know that being gay was even an option. I did not know anyone who was gay. I never saw same sex couples in my daily life or even in the stories I watched on television or at the movies.

It was not until I was kissed by another girl for the first time at Toronto Trek in 2002 that I started realizing that I was lying to myself. It has taken me from 2002 to 2016 to finally accept this is part of who I am and to embrace the beauty and strength that it has brought into my life. I know, fourteen years, not exactly the shortest path from Point A to Point B. Like I said, I have a nonexistent sense of direction or as my mom likes to joke, I “forgot to get in the line for sense of direction and instead got a double serving of heart.”

Sadly, one kiss did not do the trick. Mainly because my life is not a Disney movie and I am not a Disney princess. After Toronto, I continued to be in denial, but a part of me was awakened that would fight day by day for many more years to come. I first tested the waters in 2004 when I sat down with my mom and told her, with tears in my eyes, that I was gay. At the mention of the word, unbearable silence filled the air and hung there until my mom replaced it with the simple and devastating statement “no you are not.” And that was it. That was our beautiful heart-to-heart. It had taken everything in me to confide in my mother and just like that I knew all ten thousand meanings held in those four words. Just like that, I did my best to play the part of the straight daughter and dated boy after boy, feeling nothing but guilt and shame and merely going through the motions – resigning myself to replace my own happiness with that of my parents. I continued to live my life that way until November of 2016 when I came out to both my parents, again with tears in my eyes. I already knew what the reaction would be. I had braced myself for it. I had steeled myself against it. Unfortunately, none of that lessened the hurt and betrayal that I still felt when they responded to me “no you are not.”

Today, I sit at my computer writing this article pausing occasionally to text a response to the most amazing woman I have even known, who just also happens to be my girlfriend (believe me I still pinch myself on a daily basis). Today, I am completely out and finally living my life for myself and not for others. Today, I am in love with the love of my life, who I fall more in love with every day. Today, I am the strongest version and happiest version of myself that I have ever been. If I had to trace this dramatic and miraculous change in my life back to one decision and one decision only, I would have to give credit where credit is due and pinpoint going to ClexaCon as the most important step in my thousand-step journey.

Prior to ClexaCon, having never lived or spent any significant time in a diverse climate, this convention was a dream come true. Everywhere I looked there were same sex couples that were holding hands, whispering to each other, laughing with each other, kissing each other, sharing their lives and just existing. I never wanted to leave. For the first time in my life I wasn’t afraid of looking too long at another woman or of sharing how much I love the relationship between Laura and Carmilla on “Carmilla” or Bo and Lauren of “Lost Girl.” For the first time in longer than I could remember I was free. I was completely free to be myself without any editing or filters. I wasn’t looking over my shoulder. I wasn’t afraid what people would think of me. This new feeling was so empowering and intoxicating that I didn’t want to give it up. I didn’t want it to stay in Vegas. I wanted to keep it with me long after I left Vegas and ClexaCon. When I got home I came out publicly and have continued to share this part of me that I had kept hidden for so long.

My first night at ClexaCon I met two people who are still a part of my life today. The first was an acquaintance from Twitter who is now my friend, Rachel. The second and most important part of ClexaCon for me, Katherine, Rachel’s friend and now my girlfriend. I would have never been where I needed to be emotionally, to be worth being in a relationship with, if I hadn’t gone to ClexaCon and if I hadn’t realized I didn’t want to hide that part of myself anymore. It wasn’t until I fully accepted myself that I was truly ready to be in a relationship with someone else. Katherine and I have had this conversation many times and we are in agreement that had it not been for ClexaCon we don’t think our paths would have crossed. Katherine and I became friends that first night in ClexaCon. Our friendship continued after we left ClexaCon and by July of 2017 Katherine had become my best friend. By December of 2017, I finally worked up the nerve to ask her to be my girlfriend and the rest is simply a dream come true.

First picture taken of Katherine and I. We are exploring Vegas during our downtime with our friends.

The lawyer part of me feels it necessary to give the disclaimer that I am in no way promising that you will meet you own personal Katherine in Vegas (though I do believe that there is a Katherine out there for everyone). What I am saying is that you will have an amazing time, you will meet new people, you will have new adventures, you will get to know yourself better and you will have the opportunity to be a part of one of the most (if not the most) amazing communities I have ever been a part of.  Going to ClexaCon changed my life completely! I am a happier, stronger and braver person as a result. I will also be going to ClexaCon this year so if you don’t want to go because you won’t know anyone there, you will know me. One of the best things about ClexaCon is that you are never alone! There are a hundred new friends just waiting to meet you! See you in Vegas!

For more information about ClexaCon 2018, please go to www.clexacon.com