Girls – Queen For Two Days

By Ruth Anrep

In this week’s episode of “Girls,” Hannah (Lena Dunham) ventures out to the middle of nowhere with her mother, Loreen (Becky Ann Bakerto), to attend a “Spring Queening” retreat. The purpose of this retreat is to find one’s true self without the distractions life provides, such as mobile phones. Loreen needs this time away to figure out whether she should stay married to a man she knows is gay or potentially start her life over. However, I agree with Hannah, a weekend in nature with no phones? Sounds like hell to me.

An escape from Fran (Jake Lacey) seems to be the only reason for Hannah to be attending something she finds so ridiculous. It’s the hope she might find something in this retreat that annoys her more than her boyfriend.

Once at the retreat, Hannah is immediately glued to her phone, as all the nature and yoga-loving vibes are too much for her. Hannah is almost immediately caught on her phone by one of the retreat members and she refuses to hand her phone over to him. It’s the strictest “peaceful” retreat ever.

Hannah and Loreen join the others in the lobby where they meet their girl “squad” for the weekend: Kathy (Maddie Corman), Cathy (Angela Reed), Barb (Pamela Dunlap) and Coco (Sally Pressman). As the group discusses why the retreat hasn’t officially started yet, the retreat leader speaks up basically saying they’re all weak for waiting to take orders from someone. It’s going to be a long weekend.

Meanwhile, we check back in with Soshanna (Zosia Mamet) in “Katy Perry’s vagina,” also known as Japan. It appears that Shosh is working in a cat café after she had to leave her other job and is dating the ever so cute, Yoshi (Hiro Mizushima). Her former boss, Abigail (Aidy Bryant), shows up at her new workplace. It appears Abigail is going to be in Tokyo for a few days and Shosh takes this opportunity to show her how amazing Japan is. The two spend their time at a spa, eating and getting pedicures as Shoshanna continually promotes Japan as the most amazing place and being exactly what she needed. However, we learn later that Shoshanna may not love Tokyo as much as she says because she feels extremely lonely and homesick.

As we venture back to the “Spring Queening” retreat, we have learned that Hannah doesn’t brush her teeth at night (cue screams) and Loreen voices her concerns for Fran and Hannah’s relationship. She says Hannah doesn’t know how to date people who are actually nice to her. Loreen’s concern is also that her and Tad (Peter Scolari) have totally “fucked up” their daughter and that’s why she’s had such terrible relationship problems. Hannah assures her this isn’t the case and the two head to bed.

Jessa (Jemima Kirke) jumps into bed with Adam (Adam Driver) where we get a glimpse into a weird sexual fantasy between the two of a role-play involving a potential teen pregnancy. Hot. After this, Jessa tells Adam that she’s having dinner with her half sister the next night and Adam immediately says he wants to come despite Jessa assuring him that it’s not some kind of requirement, but Adam insists.

Fast forward to this dinner with Adam, Jessa and Jessa’s half sister, Minnie (Marianna Palka). After a boring rant from Minnie, Jessa asks her if she could borrow money to finish her therapy studies, as their grandmother cut her off to her family’s fortune when Jessa went to rehab. Minnie has no sympathy for her and turns her down, criticizing her for never sticking to anything. Adam stands up for Jessa here in the sweetest way by claiming Minnie doesn’t know Jessa at all and he believes Jessa would make an amazing therapist. He then offers to pay for Jessa’s schooling because he knows she’s worth it. He wins boyfriend of the year.

Heading back to the retreat, Hannah physically has her phone removed from her by the worker who told her off when she first arrived. Another retreat leader (Lena Hall as a message therapist) interrupts the two and tells the worker Hannah can use her phone if she wants and then hits on Hannah saying she’s “way too luscious to be with the wrong guy.”

Cut to Hannah leaving the dinner table of draining conversation about husbands. She runs into the massage therapist in the kitchen and the two venture to the Sauna to relieve some of Hannah’s stress. While in weird stretching positions, Hannah and the massage therapist start making out and things heat up very quickly.

Hannah confesses she’s never had sex with a woman before, but this doesn’t slow anything down. Hannah soon goes down on the therapist, but gets too hot in the sauna. She wants to stop and the therapist wants her to keep going. Eventually, she does stop and gets changed while the therapist finishes herself off and then cries. It’s super awkward. Lena Hall delivered the acting goods portraying this somewhat strange character and it’s nice to see more queer characters on our TVs screens. Let’s just hope she doesn’t accidentally get shot if she returns this season (I had to.)

After dinner and an odd sexual experience, we join Hannah and her mother in their room. It is then that Loreen decides she “might as well stay” in her marriage. “I think you guys really did fuck me up,” is all Hannah contributes to this heartbreaking conversation.