Kathryn Erbe – Dating My Mother

By: Jamie Steinberg

Q) What are the recent projects that you are working on?

A) I have a part in the new Ryan Murphy show “Pose.” It’s his latest project for FX. It’s about 80’s New York and the AIDS crisis and the ballroom dance scene that was so beautifully documented in that documentary Paris is Burning. I play a sexual reassignment surgeon for the main character, Elektra (Dominique Jackson). It was something I really wanted to be a part of. It’s the largest transgender cast and crew, as is my understanding. There are many transgender and gay writers (LGBTQ writers) and maybe on the crew as well.

Q) Please tell us the premise for the film Dating My Mother.

A) [laughs] It’s about a mother and son (Patrick Reilly) who are arguably too close, and their lives are intertwined. It’s time for them to grow up and the son has come home. He wants to get his life started. He wants to be a director and filmmaker, but life isn’t yet ready to deliver this to him. His mom is wanting independence. She loves him, but also wants to start her life again. She lost her husband (his dad) tragically and she wants to find love. Her son isn’t ready for it and hilarity ensues.

Q) How was your character Joan originally described to you?

A) The story is really close to director Mike Roma’s heart. Joan shares a lot of characteristics with Mike’s mom, Kitty. She’s beautiful, strong, vibrant, funny, generous and big hearted. She is a fierce champ of Mike and his entire personality. So, that’s really Joan’s position. She loves her son and loves him exactly who he is and wants him to soar yet is able to set boundaries and challenge him.

Q) Was there anything you added to the role that wasn’t originally scripted for you?

A) I don’t think so. I don’t know that I consciously did. We’re going back a little over a year now so with my brain I can barely remember what happened yesterday. I felt very much on the same page with Mike about her and about the story. So, I certainly bring myself to whatever character I’m playing. I’m not really the kind of actor that goes out of my way to disguise myself to lose myself. I kind of meet the characters half way and try to bring my own life experience to them. I’m not aware of having actively chosen to change her in any way or add to her in any way (I should say) constantly.

Q) There is such a great bond between Joan and her son Danny. Talk about working alongside costar Patrick Reilly.

A) I love Patrick Reilly! I love everyone involved with this movie. It was so special! I met Patrick when I picked him up to drive to New Jersey where we shot this. We stayed in an Extended Stay America near Mike’s mom’s condo, which is where we shot the movie. I had specifically chosen that Extended Stay because I could bring my dogs with me. I picked him up and we drove out there in my Jeep with the dogs in the back. We bonded immediately, and I felt very motherly toward him during the entire time. I was always offering him food. We had long, deep conversations and we just really genuinely like each other. We’re still friends. I have a very big place in my heart for him, so it was really easy to act out that relationship on film. He’s so talented!

Q) It’s so beautiful to see a gay character so supported by their parent. Was that something that you took notice of and appreciated when you first read the script?

A) Absolutely! I think my ego was like, “Oh! A big part!” [laughs] That meant a lot to me that Mike would think of me first to play his mom and then to play such a large role in the film. That doesn’t happen every day. He sent it along with a beautiful letter, but when I read I just fell in love with it. I fell in love with the premise and the characters – really Mike, himself, because he has been so fiercely supported to be who he is by his teachers…I met his teachers, extended family and friends. It’s really a joy to see, especially knowing how rare that is. I guess it’s not as rare anymore.

Q) Thankfully!

A) Yes, thankfully. I see it all around. It’s still really difficult. I thought that whole “It Gets Better” campaign was amazing and yet my heart hurts because in some places and some situations it’s not better enough, but it is getting better.

Q) What advice then did director/writer Mike Roma give that maybe you took to heart while filming?

A) I don’t think he really had to clue me in about the relationship between Joan and Danny and how they felt. He would direct me, which I was really grateful for. Sometimes directors feel shy about directing people. I know that sounds odd because that’s their job, but Mike was not shy and had a very good specific idea of how he saw the scenes and the characters, so he wasn’t shy about being really specific and I was grateful for that, especially because it’s funny. There is a lot that is really funny to it and the funny isn’t slapstick. It’s human. It comes out of the humanity, I think. So as far as advice or direction, that was mainly the thing he offered more than having to clue me in to the specifics of the emotional relationship between them.

Q) What do you hope viewers take away from watching Dating My Mother?

A) I hope they see an example of how it can be, and/or they see an example of their own lives. I think that is so important for all of us to know we’re not alone – that maybe more than anything to know we’re not the only ones struggling with any issues we might have or feelings we might have or losses and fears. Particularly in this world that we’re living in now, sometimes it feels like we’re in a movie about the future and sometimes it feels like it’s a horror movie in the way that things are going in the country. I feel like examples of this movie are really important to combat the negativity and prejudice and conservatism and this push to go backwards. Any example of inclusion, open hearted acceptance of people, of people who are marginalized by the mainstream now…I don’t even know what the mainstream is because I think that maybe the mainstream is this world that we’ve captured, but the other is trying to fight back because it doesn’t like it. I really hope that people laugh and relate and find some hope and that they see a current example of family because family is a really relative term. It doesn’t mean a mom, dad, son and daughter anymore. I don’t have a family like that. My family is a big extended family of myself, my kids, my ex0husband and his girlfriend and her daughter. Life is big. Our hearts are big. I hope that people can really relate and enjoy this movie.

Q) You are a part of social media. Are you looking forward to the feedback you’ll receive to the film?

A) Yeah, I guess so. That means I would have to look at it, which I don’t do half the time. [laughs] I post stuff that I think is important and then I forget to follow up with stuff. I’m really a reluctant social media user, but I think it’s a very powerful tool for communicating and sharing. This might be the first time that I kind of engage in that way.

Q) You were on the series “Law & Order: Criminal Intent,” which was such a cherished series. What did you personally take away from working on the show?

A) Wow. So many things! We did that show for over ten years, which at that point as over a quarter of my life. Speaking of family, everyone who was involved is like family to me. I run into them all the time since our whole crew works on “Law & Order: SVU” and I was walking down the street in my neighborhood and passed a film crew. I was like, “What are you shooting? Oh! Hi!” [Laughs] It was all my friends. We were really lucky to get to do it that long. Vincent [D’Onofrio] is someone who I admire, and I knew before we were on the show together. It was pretty amazing to get to try to bring that kind of could-be dry at times – the procedural stuff – we tried to bring it to life and infuse it with emotion. It was really wonderful being on the same page with someone. We were sort of partners in real life making that show. It wasn’t always easy. There were really rough times since it basically took our whole lives. We saw the crew basically more than we saw our families. I run into people every day who talk to me about it. Every day. And we haven’t made an episode in like six years. It really allows me to do political work and advocate for organizations and causes that I can bring awareness to these things that I feel are really important in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to do without that job. I’m grateful every single day that people had it and loved it and actively love it as much as they do.

Q) What would you like to say to everyone who is a fan and supporter of you and your work?

A) Thank you! A resounding, gigantic thank you! As a woman my age and an actress my age, I’m willing to alter my features. I feel like a blue-collar actor kind of. I love to do plays. I just like to work, but I also have kids and animals. So, I try to balance my work with my life. I’m just very grateful to have every opportunity that I’ve had and I’m really deeply grateful and moved by the support that people give me. So, I guess a great big gigantic thank you and a virtual hug!