Life in Pieces – Clean Pens Grandma Guys

By starrymag | June 26, 2019

By: Jessica Wolff

 

 

In the first story, Greg Short (Colin Hanks) is excited to have Edna (Mary Pat Gleason) clean his house. He explains to Jen Short (Zoe Lister-Jones) that she watched him grow up and Edna asks if their kids masturbate into socks yet. Greg insists that the sock wasn’t his and Jen asks if she has any questions about the house.  Edna replies that she doesn’t and Jen is glad to have help around the house.

 

Greg and Jen come home, and she remarks that she can smell floor polish. Edna tells her she spilled some on the couch, promising it will dry. She tells them she has to go and Greg refuses to let her leave without a hug. Greg insists Edna is doing a great job, but Jen points out the house looks no different than when they left.

 

They see that Edna baked herself a plate of cookies and that she drank some of their scotch. Jen tells him she made the bed before they left, and Edna clearly took a nap in it. Greg declares that Edna has a great vibe but admits that she has lost her touch.

 

Jen asks Joan Short (Dianne Wiest) if she can talk to her about Edna and Joan tells her Edna has a great vibe. Jen tells her she wants a good cleaning lady, but that she’s just a lady at their house. Joan tells her Edna has some quirks and Jen sees that she’s dusting her own shelf.

 

Jen asks why Edna isn’t cleaning it, and Joan tells her she doesn’t reach above her shoulders anymore. Joan admits that it’s not for health reasons and insists Edna is good at cleaning everything between the chest and shoulders. Jen remarks that the scotch was between there and Joan advises her to hide it.

 

John Short (James Brolin) tells them they’re going to wake Edna and Jen is surprised that she’s there. Joan explains that it’s a cleaning day, but Jen points out she’s the one doing the cleaning. Jen asks if Edna does anything and Joan points out that she ironed John’s jeans.

 

Jen tells Greg that she fired Edna and Greg asks why. She tells him that Edna doesn’t do any cleaning here or at John and Joan’s house. Greg argues that Edna’s like family, explaining that she’s more than just a cleaning person. Jen tells him that they just need a cleaning person.

 

Joan asks Jen how she could fire Edna, insisting she’s like family. She tells Jen that she’s too despondent to clean but Jen points out that the problem is she doesn’t clean. Joan tells Greg that Edna’s not eating and suggests a scotch party to bring her out of her depression.

 

Jen refuses, asking Joan what Edna has over her and bringing up the sock thing with Greg. He denies knowing what she’s talking about, and Joan tells him it’s about him using the sock to masturbate. Greg is surprised she knew about that, but Joan tells him she didn’t. Joan tells Jen that she deserves a clean house and promises she’ll take care of Edna.

 

Jen returns home to find Greg and Joan cleaning the house. She sees Edna sleeping on the couch and can’t believe that was their solution. Jen asks if Edna is wearing her sweatpants, and Greg assures her that Edna ironed them first.

 

In the second story, John asks Matt Short (Thomas Sadoski), Greg, and Heather Hughes (Betsy Brandt) if they remember the pens that he would buy them on his flights. He reminds them that the pens made it look like a girl’s top was coming off and Heather remarks it’s what every girl dreams of getting from their dad.

 

John tells them he’s discovered they’re worth a lot of money and asks if he can display the ones that he gave them. Matt tells him he doesn’t know where they are, and Greg tells him he gave his to Matt. Heather asks why they would keep track of airport gift shop pens and John suggests he should have gotten them collector’s knives so they could drive them through his heart.

 

Joan comes in and tells them that John is upset about the pens and that she’s the one who has to deal with it. Heather asks why John cares so much about the pens and Matt tells her that John sent him a nasty email questioning his paternity. Greg is surprised but Matt promises he’ll get one eventually.

 

Joan explains that the pens were John’s way of saying he missed them and loved them. Heather admits she feels terrible and Greg declares they have to find the pens. Joan tells them their old stuff is in the garage and they go to look.

 

Heather pulls out her old books and remarks that she used to want to be a Supreme Court justice. She questions what happened to that and pulls out her old bongs in the next box. Greg finds his old binoculars and insists he used to watch birds with it. Heather reminds him he would use it to spy on their neighbor taking a shower. Matt is upset that their parents kept none of his stuff and Greg declares the pens aren’t there.

 

Heather tells them she found the pens on eBay next to an erotic toy listing. Greg sees that the pens are $700 and Heather sees that John emailed her a slideshow of photos of her as a baby. Heather declares they have to buy the pens for John and Matt finds another box they haven’t looked through. They open it up and see that Joan has one of the erotic toys listed on eBay.

 

Matt, Heather, and Greg tell John they found the pens and that they kept them because they love him so much. John asks to see them, and Greg promises they’ll be there in three to seven business days. John tells them they’ll be there sooner and hands them the pens.

 

Matt realizes he’s the eBay seller and Heather asks where he found the pens. John tells them it was in Matt’s box, but Matt finds nothing but an old shoe in the box. Heather asks if they can have their money back and John tells them to take it up with eBay.

 

In the third story, Colleen Brandon-Ortega (Angelique Cabral) thanks John for watching Lucas (Vivaan Bisoi) and John tells her they’ve been reading the same story book ten times. He tells her his comment that he was addicted to the book led to a discussion on addiction and Lucas declares he never wants to fall off the wagon.

 

Joan asks Lucas for a hug, but he backs away from her. Colleen tries to push Lucas to hug Joan, but Lucas begs her to not make him. Colleen suggests that Lucas is shy, but John tells her there was not a single person Lucas didn’t try to hug when they went out. John tells Joan not to feel bad, arguing the Lucas doesn’t talk badly about her.

 

Joan tells Matt, Heather and Greg to avoid one of the boxes in the garage for their mental stability and finds Lucas hiding under the table. She makes suggestions of things they can do together, but Lucas shakes his head at every one and Joan leaves him under the table.

 

As Joan lays out a trail of candy on the floor leading into the kitchen, John asks what she’s doing. She explains that she’s trying to lure Lucas out from under the table and admits she thinks that Lucas’ reaction to her is something other than being shy. Lucas follows the trail and Joan offers him fresh brownies out of the oven.

 

Lucas declares he wants to go home and tries to run away. Colleen asks what’s going on and Joan asks to speak to her. Joan tells her that Lucas is terrified of her, but Colleen insists he’s just shy. Joan suggests it’s something deeper and Colleen gets offended, suggesting that Joan stop trying to win him over with treats.

 

Colleen asks Lucas if there’s a psychological reason he’s avoiding Joan. Lucas says no but calls Joan a witch. He shows her that the drawing of the witch that tries to eat Hansel and Gretel in his book of fairy tales resembles Joan.

 

Colleen tells Joan that there is a deeper reason to Lucas’ behavior, but promises that she’ll laugh about it. She shows Joan the picture in the book, but Joan doesn’t believe she looks anything like the picture and gets offended, telling Colleen that Lucas is just shy.

 

In the final story, Tim Hughes (Dan Bakkedahl) welcomes Matt and is excited about their guys’ night. Matt asks if the fight has started yet and Tim tells him it’s about to begin. Matt asks where the other guys are and Tim insists that they just need the two of them for guys’ night.

 

Tim shows Matt that he got a frozen margarita machine for the night and starts it up. He sees that the margaritas will take four hours to make and Matt insists he’ll have a beer. Tim tells him that he got multiple kinds of beer and takes his pants off. Matt is disturbed and Tim suggests they relax together with their pants off.

 

Matt comments that he lured him there to assault him and Tim laughs it off. As they sit on the couch, Tim, who has put his pants back on, insists he should apologize for earlier. Matt insists upon just watching the fight, but it’s over in a couple of seconds.

 

Matt declares he should get going but the doorbell rings and Tim tells him the food’s arrived. Matt watches as a guy makes tacos in the house and Tim tells him he’s probably never seen someone make tacos in person. Matt tells him that Colleen is Mexican and that they make tacos all the time.

 

Matt refers to the large number of tacos as overkill and Tim explains that it was cheaper to get the guy to come and make them. Matt digs in and asks Tim if he’s going to have any. Tim tells him he can’t because of his heart and asks Matt to describe the taste in detail.

 

Matt insists it’s getting late, but Tim suggests that the frozen margaritas should be done by now. The margaritas are not done but Tim insists he’ll still drink it before grimacing at the taste.

 

Tim apologizes for how the night went, but Matt insists they still had fun. Tim declares it was a stupid idea for him to try to have a party, but Matt assures him it wasn’t. Tim tells him the churro guy will be there soon, but Matt tells him he’s going to go. Tim hands him a custom drink koozie on his way out.

 

Matt calls Colleen from the car telling her he’ll be home early and laughing at Tim’s attempt to have a party. He looks at the koozie and knocks back on the door. Matt tells Tim that he wants to have a margarita first, but Tim tells him he unplugged it.

 

Matt asks Tim if he invited a lot more people to the party, but he was the only one who showed up. Tim denies it but asks what gave him away. Matt tells him he has three valets outside and Tim opens the door, yelling at the valets to go.

 

Tim admits that everyone went to watch the fight at another doctor’s house. Matt questions why Greg didn’t come, and Tim tells him he figured he wouldn’t come if he invited Greg. Matt suggests they take a picture to make him jealous and Tim suggests they take their pants off as they pose.