Living with Yourself – Nice Knowing You

By: Ellen Dolan-Yates

Miles (Paul Rudd) is tied up in the back of the silver van from the last episode. He shouts to ask if it’s Clone Miles (also Paul Rudd) who has kidnapped him. He is dragged out of the van and thrown into a “lactation room” by two men, who lock the door behind him. He manages to remove the pillowcase from over his head and takes in his surroundings when a voice says, “That was cute.

It is explained to Miles by Weinrod (Bridget Everett) that he has been arrested due to an aborted tip-off that they received. It turns out they’re the FDA who Clone Miles rang to report the cloning in a bid to get their money back from Top Happy Spa. They say they know all about the spa and thirty-five other locations. Weinrod thinks Miles is the clone! Miles says he can prove he’s the original and he’s hooked up to a polygraph. He falters when they ask him if he’s Miles Elliot. Great start, Miles! Just like in the car with Clone Miles, Miles can’t remember the name of the first person he kissed. Weinrod asks some very personal questions and, when her colleague (Bobby Moreno) agrees with Miles, she gives them both a telling off. Miles’ interrogation is postponed when a woman bangs on the door saying she needs to pump. Weinrod tells Miles that he failed every question, but his colleague tells her that the machine is broken as it didn’t register positive or negative. Weinrod asks Miles how he can be sure that he is him. He excitedly mentions about his appendicitis scar that Clone Miles doesn’t have. Weinrod says she couldn’t sleep at night not knowing who she is.

Miles, still locked in the room, tries to get a drink of water but nothing comes out of the tap. He pounds on the door and shouts for help. Desperately thirsty, Miles checks the breast milk in the fridge, but after smelling it, thinks better of it. He picks up Parents Magazine and starts to read. Clearly thirsty, Miles does decide to drink the breast milk after all! Curious, Miles plays around with the lactation device. He is pretending to use it on himself when a woman walks in and exasperatedly says, “Nnot again!” Miles uses this as his chance to escape. Creeping his way through the building with breast milk down his front, he comes across Weinrod who tells him he’s a lucky son of a *beep*. When Miles asks if he’s still under arrest, he’s told he technically never was. He’s free to go, but Weinrod says she won’t forget about him.

Miles has a voicemail from the fertility center telling him that there’s nothing wrong with him at all and it’s been a waste of both of their time for two years. He gets a cab home and finds Kate (Aisling Bea) sat on the stairs. She says they need to talk. He wants to apologize first. He’s been selfish and forgot about her and focusing on their future family. He tells her that he read an article on separation anxiety in children and it made him cry. He asks to borrow Kate’s phone as nothing he is trying to say is coming out right. He plays ‘Give It To Me Baby’ by Rick James, their wedding song. Kate rolls her eyes. She tries not to laugh at him dancing but when he pulls out the invisible rope, she can’t help herself. She dances with him way more enthusiastically than she did with Clone Miles. As Miles kisses her on the head she says, “you certainly don’t dance like him.” It’s clearly killed the mood. Through tears, she tells Miles that she can explain. Miles says he worked out what happened on the business trip. He storms off into the garage to grab an axe! He gets into his car but, instead of reversing, speeds straight into the dead pig! After dragging it off his car, he speeds towards Clone Miles’ place. He rings him on the way asking if he had sex with Kate. Clone Miles confirms and tells Miles to come over to talk about it. Miles’ phone rings and he tells the caller he’s going to rip their Goddamn head off- but it’s someone from the Golden Pencil awards! They want to share some good news and at that he throws his phone out of his non-existent window. Miles approaches Clone Miles’ place, axe in hand. He pounds on the door before letting himself in. He shouts for Clone Miles to show himself. He notices his gun on top of the credenza. A door creaks open behind him and he holds the gun up to it.

Twenty-four hours earlier Clone Miles is practicing pretending to be Miles. He ruffles his hair, gets toothpaste on his sweater and practices telling Kate “he’s gone” and “I’ve changed.” When Kate comes home the next morning Clone Miles goes to greet her, but he hears Miles. He watches them dance, defeated, before sneaking out behind them. In his apartment Clone Miles holds the gun to his neck before the mirror and then places it in his mouth before holding it to his head. He washes the toothpaste from his sweater before trying again, but he realizes he doesn’t want to die in that state. He changes into a smart shirt and sorts his hair before placing the gun in his mouth again. Not wanting to get blood everywhere, he puts a trash bag over his head and attempts to end his life once more. He asks himself what he is doing. He asks his reflection why someone can’t just end this for him. Cue angry phone call from Miles! It turns out that Clone Miles wanted Miles to find the gun.

Clone Miles reveals himself to a gun wielding Miles. He tells him it was nice knowing him, but Miles says, “No it wasn’t.” Clone Miles agrees. Miles can’t bring himself to shoot Clone Miles. Clone Miles asks him if he can do anything right before Miles charges at him and they fight. Clone Miles tells Miles that he has everything he needs to be happy but wastes it. Miles asks why he should be happy when everyone loves Clone Miles. In their scuffle they shoot Kate’s credenza! Miles tells Clone Miles that he ruined his life, but Clone Miles tells him he ruined his own life. They both bang into the credenza and Miles curses it. He then smashes it up with the axe! He hands the axe to Clone Miles who finishes off Kate’s beloved credenza once and for all.

Miles tells Clone Miles that he just wants him out of his life. Clone Miles repeatedly hits him in the face with a cushion and tells him to make him. As Clone Miles continues to whack him around the head, calling him scared, Miles snaps and pushes him to the floor and uses the cushion to suffocate him. There’s no response when Miles tries to wake him. Upset at what he has done, Miles tries to revive him – even giving him mouth-to-mouth. It works! Miles wipes the spit off his face and they both lay on the floor. Clone Miles says the thing he hates most about Miles is that he got to wake up next to Kate everyday for ten years. All he has are memories that aren’t even real. He just wanted Miles’ life and Miles says he loved his life, too. He apologize to Clone Miles and they hug. Neither of them wants to kill each other, they just want each other to be better.

Kate walks in at the most awkward moment possible with both Miles’ still on the floor in a loving embrace. She examines the smashed-up room and credenza. Miles asks her if Clone Miles was better than him, but Kate apologizes to Clone Miles saying he wasn’t that great. Miles asks if that means he’s worse than “not great.” Clone Miles tells him to let Kate speak. Kate asks them to stop arguing for five minutes and then they can go back to strangling each other. She apologizes to Miles for her betrayal. She says it has been a very confusing time, but one thing is clear and that is that Miles is her husband, not Clone Miles. Clone Miles says he will leave, but Kate tells him not to go. She’s pregnant! It’s early days but she’s sure. She says she doesn’t know who the father is and since they both have the same DNA there’s no way of knowing! When Kate says she doesn’t know what it means for them all Miles, who has turned away, says he knows what it means – they’re going to have a baby! He grins at Kate and nods at Clone Miles. They all laugh excitedly. Miles and Kate embrace. Kate holds her arm out to Clone Miles. We end with the three of them in a group hug. Aw!