Modern Family – All Things Being Equal

By: Paige Zinaman

Jay (Ed O’Neill) and Phil (Ty Burrell) continue on in their parking lot partnership by interviewing Joan (Niecy Nash) and Tibor (Raymond Morris) to man the booth. Phil likes Joan because she clearly understands how people think and loves her job. Tibor who can barely understand yet speak English is more to Jay’s standards, but Phil really wants Joan while Jay wants Tibor. Phil pulls out the coin he had made that has Phil’s face on one side and Jay’s on the other in order to determine who wins. Claire (Julie Bowen), Gloria (Sofia Vergara), Alex (Ariel Winter), Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) and Haley (Sarah Hyland) head to the Women’s March that is taking place downtown. They tell Lily how this is going to be good for her to experience and how it will be her first taste of feminism that everyone is there as her mentors before Claire makes a joke about being Lily’s “Wo-mentors.” Claire gets upset when no one laughs when Haley tells her that they fake laughed at the one before so it’s all gone. Gloria, who is driving, gets fed up with the traffic and turns down an alley and hits a pothole as the dash board shows they got a flat tire.

Jay calls Phil telling him that they have a problem about how he’s trying to get to the bakery and Joan is still chatting away with customers so they just lost eight dollars from a car leaving. Jay tells Phil that he was the one who hired Joan so he needs to tell her to speed up or she’s gone. Before noticing the time he tells Phil he can’t get a bearclaw now because it’s past time and he’ll be all sugared up before nap time and that everything is screwed up now. Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) comes how to find Cam (Eric Stonestreet) sewing away at costumes that seem to match those off of the “Wizard of Oz.” Cam tells Mitchell he is finishing off the costumes for the school play to which Mitchell says Cam is making a big rip off of the “Wizard of Oz.” Cam tells Mitchell that the play is about a farm boy who gets to go the big city, but Mitchell points out that Cam has a tin man. Pam (Dana Powell) comes in asking Mitchell a question, but starts to trail off. Cam asks if she’s okay when she tells them that the baby didn’t sleep at all last night and that she hasn’t been this tired since the twister took their house to which Cam looks at Mitchell telling he told him so. Pam falls asleep standing up when Mitchell turns on the baby monitor and they hear the baby crying, which wakes Pam up. Cam tells them that he will put the costumes on hold to come upstairs and help Pam with the baby. Pam tells them that maybe Mitchell can come up because he’s so good with the baby, which makes Cam a little upset. Mitchell turns to Cam who has since started back on the costumes when Cam tells Mitchell that it’s great that Pam asked him to help take care of baby. Cam is her own flesh and blood and that he is apparently only good at putting on a wig and taking Pam’s SATs for her.

Phil goes to talk to Joan and asks how everything is going. She tells him that everything is going good and putting smiles on faces except for his and asks him what’s wrong. She tells Phil that she knows two things: Parking and People. When Phil goes to tell her about the conversation he had with Jay a daily regular stops by and Joan talks to her and asks about how things went at the office party. Joan goes back to Phil and asked what he wanted to tell her, after witnessing what she did with the lady he tells her that everything is fine. Joan asks Phil if he could get her a jell mat to stand on all day since she’s stuck standing in the booth. Jay is watching from a distance while eating a bearclaw after his nap seeing that Phil wasn’t able to follow through with what needed to be done.

Meanwhile back in the ally, the women are checking over the car when Claire says they should call someone and maybe they can come and fix it. Lily asks them why can’t they just fix it if today was about empowering women. This leads Haley to tell Gloria she knew they shouldn’t have brought Lily. At the Women’s March Manny (Rico Rodriguez) and Luke (Nolan Gould) are making signs in order to march with the women. Luke tells Manny that they’ve only been volunteering at the march for an hour (which Manny corrects and says five minutes). Luke tells Manny he already feels like they’re a part of something special and asks Manny to snap a picture for him. Manny states that he only wants him to snap a picture so he can go to school and prove he was there for extra credit and that he spelled “unite” wrong. Manny tells Luke that the women around them deserve their respect saying, “They’ve had to overcome biases we’ve never had to face. They are the granddaughters of the Suffrage Movement.” Manny looks across to see Danielle (Gabrielle Elyse) who is a girl in his Calculus class who he has a crush on and tells Luke he wouldn’t know her because she’s in advance classes. Danielle comes over and says hello, which causes Luke to introduce himself and makes sure she knows he was there and that she saw him. She tells Manny and Luke that if they are making signs these are some of the topics they can approach and starts reading off the list. Luke says that Danielle blew his mind and that society treats women like second class citizens and that he’s spent a lot of time on “women websites” and that nothing like that had come up.

Still trying to fix the tire, Claire tells Lily that she is witnessing strong women in action and when they put their minds together there is nothing they can’t achieve. Gloria tells Claire that it’s too hard and she gives up. Alex tells them they should just get the manual to which Claire agrees and says she likes that idea. Alex goes to get it, but says that there is only makeup in the glovebox. Gloria tells them that the manual wouldn’t fit with all her emergency makeup touch up kit. Haley tells everyone that she would like to revisit Gloria’s idea to give up. Alex asks her what would have happened if Marie Curie to which Haley responds with, “She wouldn’t have died of radiation poisoning.” This shocks Alex who asks how she knew that. Haley tells her that she talks about her so much that until she saw her on a stamp she thought she was Alex’s girlfriend. Claire tells Gloria that she’s surprised she doesn’t know how to change a flat since she drove a taxi. Gloria tells her that she had a lot of flats, but she would reapply her makeup then she would wait and within five minutes she would have her own pit crew. Haley points out a woman walking down the alley asking them if they needed help with the flat tire. Everyone but Haley says no who points out that she’s a woman and she wants to help and that she matches the criteria needed. The lady introduces herself as Joey (Lindsey Kraft) as she sets up the jack and starts lifting the car. Haley goes into a fit of giggles and introduces herself, which causes Alex to give her a strange look. Haley tells Alex that she’s “awesome and it’s confusing.” Haley continues to watch Joey change the tire leaving Alex just as confused as before.

Joan is helping another guy and told him to park his car and flush out his antagonist in the script when Jay comes up to talk to her. Jay tells her that she’s not there to socialize and that her chattiness is taking up most of the time. Joan tells him that talking to people is what she does and that Phil doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, but Jay tells her that he does. Jay tells Joan to get out of his booth and she grabs her stuff and leaves. Pam and Mitchell are washing the dishes and talking when Cam comes in and wakes baby Cal up as he tells him that it’s his Uncle Cam and not Mitchell who he just met at a party. Cal starts to cry which causes Pam to get upset and break down crying asking why he would wake the baby when he was finally asleep. Mitchell takes Cal who stops crying and causing Pam to lay her head on his shoulder telling him she was about to wig out worse than Princess Margret did when Queen Elizabeth banished her boyfriend. This makes Cam get upset because they have been watching “The Crown” without him.

Back the march, Danielle is talking to Luke and Manny when she gets upset that Manny was “mansplinging” to her as she tells him she was talking to about his snack before walking off. Phil comes back to the parking lot telling Joan that he got her the jell mat that she requested only to find out Jay had fired her. A man comes up to Jay telling him that there were four cars blocking him in. Jay tells him that he will have them out of the way in a jiffy, but instead knocks the keys down messing them up right as the yoga class comes out. Mitchell and Pam are watching “The Crown” again when Pam falls asleep and Mitchell tries to wake her up and help her to her bed, as he tries to get her up she pulls him back down still half asleep. She calls Mitchell her prince and kisses him, which Cam sees on the baby camera causing him to sew the costume to his shirt sleeve.

The yoga crowd are starting to get restless as Jay is still trying to figure out who’s car keys belong to whom. They start asking where Joan is when Jay can’t get it right when he confetti bombs them. Phil comes to the rescue honking and bringing Joan back. Jay tells Phil that they don’t needed her and goes back to asking whose keys are whose. Joan asks Phil if she’s doing it or not and Phil tells her that the lot is hers and hands her the keys. Joan wastes no time getting the keys to the right people so they can be on their way. Phil and Jay bicker as they how he can’t just rehire her and if they should even be partners. Joan intervenes and gets them to stop and say something nice and that they didn’t need the coin. Pam apologizes for being such a burden on them and that she’s just so tired. She says that they are both great dads and that she’s a disaster. Luke realizes that he may like Danielle and he tells Manny that they made a connection so he’s sticking with her as long as it takes. That is until she starts her speech and tells everyone she’s going to remain celibate, which causes Luke to leave. Joey gets the tire changed and has Haley, Alex and Lily finish tightening everything. She even helps Lily and tells her that they are stronger together. She tells them that her grandma used to own a garage and tells them she will reset the tire pressure monitor and gets in the car, which she then steals.