Preacher – Gonna Hurt

By: Kelly Kearney

Things in Angelville are heating up and not in a swampy, sunshiny way. Now that Jesse is back in the family fold his Gran’Ma wants him to repay his debt and everyone in Angelville knows that a debt to Marie L’Angelle cannot go unpaid. Elsewhere, Tulip is in a rampage to take down God and Cassidy’s immortality is tested when Jody and T.C. figure out the Irishman heals much faster than your average non-blood sucking human. What happens in Angelville, stays in Angelville and unfortunately for Jesse that means fulfilling his Gran’ma’s wishes or be sentenced to the tombs.

Tulip Puts God on Notice

After her time in purgatory, thanks to Jesse’s (Dominic Cooper) involvement with The Grail, Tulip (Ruth Negga) is in the mood for a little payback. With the pedal to the metal, she cruises back to New Orleans to take down Herr Starr (Pip Torrens) and his cohorts but when she arrives their offices have been cleaned out and the bald-headed bastard is nowhere to be found. Frustrated, she heads back to Angelville but not before she has a run in with God (Mark Harelik), the same God in a dog suit that claimed she was the key to his grandest plan. Tulip demands answers from him and when God takes off his dalmatian mask we finally see his true face and it looks an awful lot like the actor who was hired to trick Jesse. Tulip tells God she feels guilty for the predicament she got Jesse into with his Granny (Betty Buckley), but God assures her that was all part of his plan. Apparently, God is whipping up a pass/fail test for his future creation and Tulip’s free will to screw up any and all plans was something he was counting on. After all, screwing up is in her DNA but reminding her of the O’Hare curse does not sit well with the already lethal Tulip and she doesn’t take the Lord’s shade in stride. Grabbing his bearded holiness by the throat, Tulip threatens God and calls him a “dickwad” and God in turn blasts her with his power and sends her flailing through the air, skidding across the hood of her car. You would think if you were struck down by God that may put an end to your desire for vengeance, but the assault and the mockery just fuels Tulip’s need for payback. She’s not giving up until God, The Grail and all of Angelville are dead.

Quick Healing

Over at the plantation, Cassidy (Joseph Gilgun) is recovering from a gun shot wound courtesy of the Boyds’ and T.C. (Colin Cunningham) is patching his new drug buddy up. The two men chat about the wonders of drugs and T.C. starts to notice how quickly Cassidy heals, especially after a very stoned Cass starts to brag about all the times he’s had a brush with death and survived. No human can take that many gun shots and swords to the gut and still get up to fight another day. T.C. might appear to be simple, but he knows a thing or two about immortality and dead men walking. After all, the L’Angelle basement is full of ageless, soulless creatures so he’s kind of a pro. When the curious man asks Cassidy how he’s survived all these encounters without a single scar on his body, the vampire thinks on his feet claiming it’s all do to his Pilates work out. T.C. isn’t buying it but drops the line of questioning and heads to the kitchen for a bowl of Swamp Consume for the patient. Little does he know juiced animals from a wood chipper is exactly what the doctor ordered and Cassidy is happy to slurp the offered snack.

Meanwhile, Tulip makes it back from her run in with God and tells Jesse she’s scared of her preacher boyfriend and his long-lost power of Genesis. She might be afraid, but Jesse is stuck here for the time being and Tulip thinks the answer to that problem is killing the old witch, L’Angelle. Jesse warns her to steer clear of Marie as she is more powerful than she looks, but Tulip won’t listen to reason. If she can kick God’s ass then surely she can take down one elderly voodoo queen in a wheelchair, right? She smiles and nods knowing she isn’t about to start heeding Jesse’s warnings anytime soon. This girl is on a mission and she won’t stop until they all pay for what they’ve put her and her friends through.

Down in the kitchen Jesse grabs some breakfast with Jody (Jeremy Childs) as T.C. wanders in confused over Cassidy’s healing abilities. This piques Jody’s interest and Jesse realizes that the two men are close to figuring out his best friend is a vampire. Before Jesse heads out with Jody to do a job for Marie, he goes to have a talk with Cassidy and warn him about his family. At first the preacher apologizes to Cass, admitting it is his fault they are all stuck here. He also admits Cassidy was right and Tulip did die because he was too busy playing God. After admitting the vampire is his best friend, he begs Cassidy to leave Angelville before his family discovers what he is; however, Cass refuses to go anywhere without Tulip. Jesse then stabs his BFF in his newly closed gun shot wound, telling him that he can’t heal or else they will do to him what they have done to many. Then, he tells him to look around the house and see what the L’Angelle’s do to immortals like him. Cassidy barely hears warnings over his stabbing screams and Jody walks in to tell Jesse it’s time to go.

Looking for Clues

While Jesse and Jody run Marie’s errands, Tulip snoops through the old lady’s things looking for a clue on how to release Jesse from his debt. She finds a baby photo and then picks up a phone and hears a man’s voice on the other end. Who was that man? Perhaps it’s the same man who reaches out from under the floorboards to grab her when she touches a jar full of blood? Spooked by the hand under the floor, she leaves to pump T.C. for answers. Apparently, T.C. wants Tulip’s input on whether or not his “dingle” looks normal and she agrees to take a look while also manipulating the naked man into offering up some details about Marie and her debts. T.C. is fairly aware of what Tulip is up to and is hesitant to offer her any tips until she grabs him by his dingle and squeezes the truth out of him. He tells her a story about a man who tried to erase a debt by ripping up his bloody napkin, which only resulted in his wife being torn in half. It seems Gran’ma makes all her clients bleed, keeping a file of blood-soaked napkins in her office and any attempt to destroy them will end in a horrible death. A debt is only repaid when Marie L’Angelle says it’s paid and Jesse has no choice but to pay it or risk all of their lives. Tulip doesn’t like the sound of this and after attaching a lizard to T.C.’s dingle, she walks away promising that she will find another way out of this.

Back to Jesse, who winds up at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting for glue huffers hoping to recruit new clients for Gran’ma’s business. After striking out with the “pray the glue spray away” crowd, Jesse realizes his recruiting skills need work. Heading back to the plantation, he spots Cassidy leaving Marie’s office but doesn’t have time to question it because Granny wants a word with him. Madame Boyd (Prema Cruz) is stealing Marie’s thunder and has quickly become the go-to witch that can cure what ails Angelville. Gran’ma doesn’t like the competition and orders Jesse to stay away from the Boyds or else she will send him to the tombs, a place Jesse absolutely refuses to go.

Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!

While Jesse is thinking about how to get out of this debt and avoid the tombs, Cassidy decides he’s starving and goes out in search of a meal. He passes by Jody who, again, notices how healthy the man is after being struck down by a bullet the day before.

Heading to the swamps, Cassidy finds his nourishment in a chicken and as he rips open the animal’s throat to drink its blood straight from the tap the slaughterous sounds awaken T.C. who then knocks the vampire out, bloody faced and all. As Jesse wonders where Tulip went off to it seems she went to Madame Boyd’s for answers but instead got into a brawl. T.C. and Jody ask the preacher if he knew Cass was a vampire. Jesse plays dumb, claiming he had no idea and Jody asks if he would mind if they hang his friend from a tree until dawn. As they start to string the vampire up by his feet, Jesse whispers to Cassidy that this is exactly why he wanted the man to leave. Once he hears T.C. say they plan to use Cassidy as target practice until he burns to a crisp in the morning sun, Jesse says he has a better idea. This is an idea that takes them all to the tombs, a place Jesse never wanted to enter again. I guess you do things you hate for the people you love.  Donning a top hat and acting like the ringleader to the most demented circus you could imagine, the tomb’s soulless inhabitants gather around for a gladiator fight with the vampire. It’s a battle royal between Jesse’s BFF and the soulless debtors in L’Angelle’s tombs and, honestly, it’s probably the most excitement these hostages have had since they bled on that napkin for Marie. A debt must be paid and Cassidy can’t rely on his quick wit to get him out of this mess.

Will Cassidy fight his way out of the fate Jody and T.C. have planned for him? Will Tulip figure out another way to stop God and Gran’ma? Who is Madame Boyd and why does she look so young while Marie L’Angelle, a dealer in souls, is withering away in her wheelchair? Get the answers to these questions and more on the next episode of “Preacher.”