Preacher – Les Enfants du Sang

By: Kelly Kearney

Nobody does disgusting better than “Preacher” and after watching All Father binge and purge his way through a prized mare, nothing can shock me about this show. Not even a group of poser vampires with a leader that eats live owls or the rage that explodes from a skull cracking holy man with an unhealthy obsession for Hot Pockets. When it comes to the bizarre and insane world of Jesse Custer, Les Enfants du Sang wets even the most depraved TV watcher’s appetite.

Return Policies, Vampire Posers and Horse Meat Dinner

The last time we saw Eugene Root (Ian Colletti) he was escaping Hell with his partner in crime, Adolph Hitler (Noah Taylor). Now that Arseface is free from the Hell Block, he hops a bus back to Annville only to find his hometown has been completely blown to smithereens. Where once stood the town he called home, it is now just a smoking crater in the Earth and Eugene’s homecoming isn’t as happy as he had hoped. With his father dead, Eugene is put into foster care and it’s not long before he lands himself a new guardian, The Saint of Killers (Graham McTavish)! Obviously, the Saint was sent to Earth by Satan to drag Eugene and Hitler back to the pits of Hell and in return the cowboy gets to unleash his special brand of vengeance on Jesse and his friends. It’s a deal that finds Eugene, clad only in his pink boxer shorts and handcuffs, on a road back to eternal damnation.

Back to New Orleans, after being kidnaped twice (once by the Grail and now by a cast of Anne Rice wannabes) we see Cassidy (Joseph Gilgun) wakes to the poser coven and their cryptic goth leader, Eccarius (Adam Croasdell). While the group isn’t actually vampires and a decent clue is the fact their holding court in the basement of one of their granny’s (Theresa O’Shea), their leader is very much the real deal. Eccarius, who must’ve modeled his look after Lestat, welcomes Cass to his poser clan and swallows a live owl whole as proof that he and Cass are cut from the same blood sucking cloth. Cassidy’s sold but really isn’t vibing with this cult and their fandom personality. Throughout the episode, Eccarius tries to lure Cassidy to his group by showing him all his vampire tricks. From kitty shape shifting, to flying to glamoring both men and women into sexy times, Eccarius is just your average “True Blood” fan’s dream. At first, Cassidy wants nothing to do with the group, but after some deep thought in a local crack house and a phone call from Tulip (Ruth Negga) he decides it’s time to make new friends. The Irish vamp has lived a long life and as vampires go they end to outlive their mortal friends. Maybe it’s time he started running with posse of his own people and really take this vampire gig to the next level? It might be wise for Cassidy to avoid Jesse’s (Dominic Cooper) dramas because Herr Starr (Pip Torrens) is still interested in Hoover (Malcolm Barrett) dragging the vampire back to the Grail to use in his quest to bring Custer into the fold. Unfortunately, Hoover isn’t having any luck locating the Irishman, which does nothing to fix his All Father problems. “How hard can it be to find an Irish demon carted off by a hooting pack of cape wearing nobodies?” Starr wonders. Considering Hoover’s hunting ground is New Orleans, pretty hard.

After Starr sends Hoover on his way, All Father (Jonny Coyne) is waiting in the Grail’s offices with a meal fit for a King… if the king was a deranged bulimic that enjoyed the taste of horse. As the vile man binges and purges his way through demolishing an entire thoroughbred, he explains to Herr Starr that the end of the world is quickly approaching. Starr assumes he’s talking in a more broader sense, but All Father assures him the end will come in a nuclear blaze and he is as giddy as a school girl over it. “Only fire can separate the true believer from the false. Only fire can pave the way for our lord.” It seems Starr has an uphill battle in front of him if he hopes to replace Humperdoo (Tyson Ritter) with Jesse Custer before Armageddon breaks out and kills them all. Who knew that bald headed masochist could have a hero’s purpose? Well, anything looks heroic when faced with the All Father shoving horse hooves down his throat with a stick.

Soul Suckin’ and Bank Robbin’

When last we saw Jesse and Tulip they were going full WrestleMania on Jody (Jeremy Childs) and T.C. (Colin Cunningham) in hopes of ripping a soul from one of them and feeding it to Madame Marie (Betty Buckley). Unfortunately, the plan was a dud and Tulip’s soul is extracted and placed inside of gran’ma. Jesse poses the question that if they had the choice of feeding Marie one soul to take the edge off versus an entire colony of souls that could keep the old woman ticking for an eternity which would they prefer? Intrigued, the L’angelle’s take the bait and Jesse explains his plan involves robbing a bank and tricking Madame Boyd (Prema Cruz) into handing them the key to everlasting life. But first, they need to convince Sabina that her plan worked and gran’ma and Tulip are dead. Jesse and his family hold a fake funeral and Boyd watches on from the swamp happy to know her competition is long gone.

After the burial, Jesse heads to the bar to drink away his emotions and Sabina shows up to brag about her big win. She finally got Marie out of the picture and all she had to do was dupe a desperate Tulip into killing the woman whose life was intrinsically tied to O’Hare’s. Jesse plays along and manages to convince Sabina that he’s so depressed after Tulip’s death a kiss from his ex would help soothe his pain. With that kiss, he leaves the bar and hops into a very alive Tulip’s car, scrapes his tongue into a vial and has the DNA he needs to raid madame Boyd’s soul collection. They’re off to the bank where a blonde wig wearing Tulip convinces the bank manager to let her in with the soul key, Sabina’s saliva.

While Tulip’s on bank robbery duty, T.C. keeps the town police busy by stealing a goat from the local zoo and running naked with the animal through the streets. Meanwhile, Jody takes out Sabina’s henchmen paving the way for the show’s big reveal. It wasn’t Tulip whose soul was extracted and fed to Marie, but Sabina’s! Now soulless and suffering, Jesse does the right thing and puts a bullet in Madame Boyd’s head to end her pain.

The Grail is the Answer

With Sabina dead and her soul transferred to Marie, gran’ma is feeling feisty and wants Jesse to finally pay his debt. She might have respect for Tulip and her no-nonsense sass, but O’Hare tried to kill her and that kind of insolence will not be tolerated. If she wants her debt, then Jesse’s going to pay it but he’s also going to call the Grail in for help. After all, Herr Starr still holds a portion of Jesse’s soul and I’m guessing Custer’s debt will be paid once Marie gobbles up what’s left of it.

As the episode closes, Cassidy decides Eccarius isn’t as bad as his fashion sense appears to be and decides to join the coven of posers in Mee-maws basement. They’re definitely not bringing the the fun time ruckus that he had with Jesse and Tulip, but after putting his heart on the line and getting friend zoned he’s ready to move on – no matter how lame these new friends might be.

As for the Grail, Herr Starr has his work cut out for him if the All Father’s apocalyptic plans are in the works. Will he be able to save the planet, make Jesse the new Messiah and appease gran’ma’s thirst for souls? Only time will tell, but after hearing about All Father penchant for cracking the skulls of any man who has the audacity to eat his Hot Pockets, Herr Starr might need more than snack food to stop the robust man’s plan to end all mankind.