Preacher – Messiahs

By: Kelly Kearney

In this episode Tulip and Cassidy have put God on notice and plan on making the creator pay for taking Jesse. Elsewhere, Jesus and Hitler are still working out the kinks in their apocalypse planning, but could their partnership mean trouble for God? Meanwhile, Jesse meets up with an old friend who makes him an offer that could save mankind from impending doom.

God, hit the bench. Jesse, you’re up…

When we begin Cassidy (Joseph Gilgun) and Tulip (Ruth Negga) are digging Jesse’s (Dominic Cooper) grave while the Saint (Graham McTavish) watches on from a distance. At the same time, Jesse is getting a taste of the afterlife and runs into his old angel friend, Fiore (Tom Brooke). The angel tells Jesse he’s dead and when the mildly impressed preacher asks, “This is heaven?” Fiore responds with, “Well, it ain’t the south of France.” After a stroll through heaven’s wooded landscapes, Fiore tells Jesse he’s been put into a management position because Jesus (Tyson Ritter) doesn’t really have that Hitler (Noah Taylor) killer instinct. Who knew you needed one to run the promised land? Be that as it may, Fiore shows Jesse to God’s (Mark Harelik) throne and breaks the big news…Heaven is empty, God has bailed on his duties and the angels want Jesse to take his place.

Back to Tulip and Cass, neither are really dealing with their loss and the mood in Tulip’s muscle car is depressing and bordering on violent. They drive all night until Tulip can’t take the silence anymore. She pulls over and whips out Jesse’s letter. We never hear the letter’s contents, but from the look on her teary face it’s very upsetting. Cassidy offers to make sense of her emotional upheaval, but Tulip bails out of the car before he can finish a sentence. With nothing left to do but grab some food and wait for his travel buddy to pull herself together, Cassidy heads to a nearby house and pretends to be out of gas. The kindly man offers to help, but all Cass wants is blood. Luckily for the man, Cass has sworn off human meals and has acquired a taste for chicken. While he’s powering up on some feathered fowl Tulip is at a neighboring church unleashing her anger at God. After smashing her way through the pews, she sets God’s house on fire. It’s a warning to the big man that she’s coming for him. As the church bursts into flames, Cass comes back to the car bloody and satiated and asks Tulip if God was home. She says, “No, but I know how to get him.”

Speaking of getting their man, Featherstone (Julie Ann Emery) is still playing the bearded undercover barista while keeping her eyes on Hoover Two (Alex Mikic). She has something up her sleeve and it’s definitely not a part of Herr Starr’s plans. Speaking of Herr Starr (Pip Torrens), he is currently bleeding in the desert and watching a dingo run off with his severed penis. His big glamorous glow up will have to wait because God is not happy with the Allfather’s lies about Humperdoo (Tyson Ritter).

Take this job and shove it!

“I am the Alpha and the Omega…” says Jesse, in his glimpse at what being God would entail. His vision is disturbing and he tells Fiore he’s not taking the job. In fact, just offering it to him is a sin. Angry, Jesse calls the angels of heaven traitors, and just when a war is about to break out between him and the sword wielding winged army, Fiore steps in to calm the mood in the room.

As Jesse is trying to get acclimated to his new surroundings, his BFF and girlfriend head to Brooklyn to meet with Tulip’s old crime boss Dany (Julie Dretzin). After Cassidy gets some answers on Orthodox Jewish headwear, Dany reminds Tulip of their last meeting. The one where she asked Tulip to kill her husband.

Cut to Cass and Tulip at a diner and the two friends have agreed to stop feeling guilty over Jesse and start doing what makes them happy. “The gloves are off. All the way off,” Cass says and Tulip must agree because she gets up from her chair and shoots the man (Dany’s husband) sitting behind them before unapologetically walking out the door! Looks like Dany got her wish and so did Cassidy. The gloves are indeed off and Heaven help anyone who gets in Tulip and Cassidy’s way.

The Dancing Fool

Over in Masada, Hitler (Noah Taylor) introduces Jesus to his own offspring and it goes as well as can be expected. An erect Humperdoo humps Jesus and then breaks into a dance routine that is less than impressive. Knowing that this mentally challenged pervert is God’s favorite really stuns Jesus, who had assumed Humperdoo was at the very least a snazzy dancer. No such luck. The moron is no Dancing Queen and it’s not long before Hitler has had enough of the floor show and shoots the spastic fool dead. A stunned Jesus screams, “Jesus Christ… you killed him!” But its all good, claims Hitler as that wasn’t the Messiah. It was just a clone. The real deal could be anywhere, or even dead. Not that Hitler cares either way, since he would rather see Jesus lead instead of Humperdoo. Persuasion is Adolph’s bread and butter, so he does his best to convince Jesus to go against his father’s wishes and replace Humperdoo as the end game to God’s apocalyptic plans.

In Brooklyn Tulip tells Dany she finally killed her husband and after ten years of begging her to take the man out, for some reason, Dany isn’t pleased. Tulip could care less since the woman has something that she wants. Dany owes her, but what could this crime boss have? Well, the clue was in the letter Jesse left for Tulip. Before he died, Jesse sent the original Humperdoo to Dany for safe keeping. In turn, the Brooklyn (Williamsburg to be exact) Orthodox community took the idiot in and, according to Dany, made him their Messiah. Knowing God loves Humperdoo puts him in Tulip’s crosshairs. God took someone she loves and Humperdoo is the key to her vengeance. There’s only one problem, Jesse might not be in such a bad place. After he rejected the throne on principle, Fiore points out that God did send him to heaven. Maybe refusing the throne means going against God’s will? How can he be God’s will, Jesse wonders, when he’s done so many awful things? Fiore explains that who gets into Heaven and Hell is complicated and for all the bad Jesse’s done, he’s also done good. Something about what Fiore says doesn’t add up and Jesse starts to realize this isn’t heaven at all. Then, the simulation glitches and Heaven turns into Hell! Jesse is left screaming from inside one of Hell’s cells, “LET ME OUT OF HERE!”

Meanwhile, Hoover Two is eavesdropping on Hitler and Jesus’s plan to oust Humperdoo. Something is not right with this generic Twoover, but he pretends to be the dutiful assistant to Hitler’s coffee induced rants.

Back in Williamsburg Tulip and Cassidy violently coerce Dany into handing over Humperdoo the Messiah. Neither can believe this is God’s chosen one. Sure the idiot rapes blocks of cheese, but as Dany points out this guy can dance – a skill that apparently did not transfer over to the clones. After his soft shoe routine Tulip demands Dany hand him over, but when she refuses the irate woman opens up a can of whoop ass throwing her old boss across the room and dragging Humperdoo through a crowded synagogue of praying men. As they make their escape, Cassidy stays behind to impart some epic wisdom about misguided faith in an undeserving deity. He finishes his blasphemous rant with a shocking admission. God loves their Messiah and he and Tulip are beyond ticked off with their creator. So, they’re planning on killing Humperdoo and making God watch. The synagogue is shocked into silence as Cassidy walks out and then one man turns to Dany and asks, “What Messiah?!” Apparently, Dany never clued them in to who their guest actually was.

Creation: part Three…

Twoover is not the loyal Grail servant he says he is and Featherstone was right not to trust that smarmy Hoover wannabe. Starr’s new “Yes Man” is actually an undercover cop working to dismantle the Grail and stop them from unleashing Holy Hell on earth. Luckily for her employer, Featherstone takes her job seriously. Out of nowhere the bearded barista emerges from the shadows of Masada and shoots Twoover dead! Nobody infiltrates The Grail on her watch!

As the episode comes to a close, Jesse is having delusions of Heaven and Hell. Yes, he is still in his Hell Cell, but the offer to take the throne was real. To prove it, Fiore takes Jesse back in time to 2015 – the day Genesis escaped. There God sits on his throne listening to prayers on tape when Fiore breaks in with the news that Genesis has left Heaven to places unknown. Seeing this as his “get out of jail free card,” God breaks through Heaven’s ceiling, leaving his throne unoccupied. With a new lease on life, God hits the road on his Harley in what can only be described as a midlife crisis. The creator is permanently on vacation and he’s having so much fun he’s never going back! Jesse watches this flashback unfold and can’t believe what he’s seeing. “This can’t be it.  God must have some bigger plan,” he wonders and oh boy does he ever! It seems God has been preparing the end of the world for a while and this isn’t even his first rapture. First, he made the dinosaurs and when they disappointed him he killed them off to make way for the humans. Now the humans have lost their luster, so God is off in his camper creating a new life form…something that looks like a multi-tentacled beast with shark like teeth. Finally, Jesse is starting to understand what all of this is about. “God is going to replace us,” he asserts and Fiore nods in agreement and says, “Creation part three, unless….” Unless Jesse takes the throne and saves humanity from God’s big plan! It looks like God has Jesse cornered. The preacher can either take his place on the throne or watch his friends die with the rest of mankind. Check mate, Custer!