Preacher – The Lost Apostle

By: Kelly Kearney

After taking a bullet to the back courtesy of Eugene, Jesse is left to the mercy of The Saint of Killers. But is the Preacher worth more to the cowboy alive than dead? It seems the Saint’s murderous rage has shifted from the Preacher to the creator, but he’s going to have to get in line because everyone’s gunning for God and rightly so. Phase two of his apocalyptic end of times has just begun and Tulip and Cassidy are running out of time to save Jesse, send the Saint back to Hell and stop the heavenly menace from destroying the world as they know it. Time is ticking sinners…

A Disillusioned God…

With the end of the world looming, God (Mark Harelik) is spending his last few days on earth building models, tying up loose ends and watching home videos of better times when humans would go above and beyond to prove their loyalty to him. The movie, the story of Abraham (Scott Johnson) and Isaac (Archie Thompson), gets God all choked up as Abe leans down and tells his son (in his best Newark accent), “Suffering is a part of life.” Little does Isaac know the suffering his father is referring to is his own and daddy is about to murder him for God’s glory. Just as Abraham is about to strike down his only son with a fatal blow, God steps in at the last minute to tell Abe he passed his loyalty test. The ego in this guy is out of control! For God, life was better when people would prove their love with infanticide and these old movies have really put the big guy in a nostalgic mood. He’s going to miss humanity when it’s gone, but not enough to pause his ineffable plans which are already set in motion. Making a call to Herr Starr (Pip Torrens), his Holiness asks if the Grail is ready for their big end times plan, as well as the status of Humperdoo (Tyson Ritter). Starr, who can’t wait to enact his revenge on Jesse (Dominic Cooper), is ready to start the ball rolling, but lies about the Holy child and says he’s good. Wouldn’t the all-knowing creator know that Humperdo isn’t out getting his hooves waxed, but instead cloned and possibly murdered by the very man he’s put in charge of the Grail? Apparently not because God takes Starr’s word for it, while in the background we hear Hitler (Noah Taylor) and Jesus (Tyson Ritter) arguing over the details of their genocidal plans. Phase two of apocalypse is a go!

New Zealand Vs. Australia….

Phase two begins In New Zealand with a slow-moving Escalade that pulls up to a heavily armed compound. After flipping off the armed guards, a box containing the body parts of their Deputy Prime Minister is tossed out of the SUV and the culprits seem to be the Australians. All this is happening while God is still hanging out in his rusted-out RV, building models of his rapture plans that now include a tiny nuclear warhead.

Meanwhile, Tulip (Ruth Negga) and Cassidy (Joseph Gilgun) make it to the land down under as her muscle car tears through the streets knocking down parking meters and causing general road mayhem. After coming to a screeching halt in front of a police station Tulip and Cass do their best Cagney and Lacey impressions, demanding to talk to the police commissioner about a certain preacher on the loose. The two pump Chief Commissioner Bradley Walker (Tony Farrell) about any information he has on Jesse, under the guise that they’re American police officers sent to hunt the preacher down. A problem arises when the cop says Jesse is dead and his murderer is now in custody. Down in lock up Arseface (Ian Colletti) admits to Tulip that he shot Jesse but she’s not buying it. She would know if Custer was dead and, in her heart, she can feel he’s still alive. Cass also isn’t buying Eugene’s story since according to the cops they never found the body.

All Roads lead to the outback…

It’s not long before we find out what happened after Eugene pulled that trigger. Jesse was left bleeding in the street so the Saint (Graham McTavish) dragged him to a desolated area to retrieve the bullet and cauterize the wound. What happened to his thirst for killing? It seems the Saint has put away his Custer grudge for a new murder fantasy. He wants Jesse to help him kill God and he is not taking no for an answer. Not surprisingly, Jesse isn’t for it, even though God wiped out his whole family and unleashed a world of hurt on him and Tulip, he’s still loyal to the heavenly father. All Jesse wants from God is a reason why. Why is life full chaos and pain? What’s the point? The Saint, who needs Jesse on board with this plan, offers him some answers, “you wanna see what it all means Preacher,” and Custer follows the cowboy deeper into the desert.

Meanwhile, at the Lost Apostle National Park, two Aussie guards listen to radio reports about the impending skirmish between New Zealand and Australia. The two nations are about to go to war over the death of the Kiwi’s Deputy Prime Minister. In the distance the guards spot a speeding military vehicle carrying what looks like nuclear bomb. That’s when the bullets start flying. One guard is shot dead and the other manages to dodge the bullets just as the speeding truck crashes through the park’s gates and heads towards the mountain where God is waiting.

Back in the arid landscape of the Outback Jesse tries boring The Saint of Killers (Graham McTavish) to death by rambling on about Australia’s deadliest creatures. The only deadly creature Jesse should worry about is the cowboy, who isn’t impressed when the Preacher manages to steal his guns and tries to blast him back to Hell. The guns, that are usually filled with Hell’s bullets, are empty and Jesse’s going to have to come up with another plan to stop the cowboy before he can kill God.

After checking out a dead-end lead on Jesse, we see Tulip and Cass stop at the diner where Arseface found the glory in public bathroom holes. Over a bite to eat the two go over some maps and try and find the best route through the Outback. Cass wonders if there could be clues to Jesse’s whereabouts in the letter he left for Tulip. Not wanting to know what was in the letter, Tulip admits she never read it and hands it over to Cass to read while she steps outside for a breath of fresh air. It’s not entirely clear what’s in the letter, but it has a distinct effect on Cassidy and his usually chipper mood. There’s not enough cups of coffee in all of Australia to pull Cass out of his funk, so when the diner’s waitress asks him if he wants another cuppa he declines, but asks her if she knows where he can get his hands on any drugs. The vampire isn’t used to sobriety and certainly not when life is so stressful. The woman offers him some fire-retardant inhalants and, at this point, Cass would huff anything if it meant taking the sober edge off.

While Cass is huffing his blues away, Tulip spots an old beat up RV with jazz music blasting from its’ windows. She steps inside to further investigate and, low and behold, she finds God’s secret lair! She finds his model plans for the end of the world as well as every tragedy she, Cass and Jesse have lived through.  She runs outside to tell Cass, who is covered in pink dust and huffed out of his mind, that she knows where Jesse is. He’s meeting God at the Lost Apostle National Park. The problem is there aren’t any driveable roads that can take them there and they both know they’re running out of time. It’s a good thing Cassidy found some clarity in that fire retardant because he spots a private plane parked in the distance and says, “Roads? We don’t need no stinkin’ roads!”

The End is Coming…

Now that Jesse, The Saint, God, Tulip and Cassidy are all in Australia for the Godly meet and greet, Herr Starr gets a call to come join the party. The bald freak is ecstatic because the end is near and his beauty is about to be restored, sans vaginal scarring and foreskin ears!  He’s off to Australia, but first he grabs a coffee from the Grail’s barista who looks suspiciously like Featherstone (Julie Ann Emery) in a beard and wig. Could she be the wild card in this whole apocalyptic fiasco? If she’s anything like Tulip, and she is, Hell hath no fury like a Featherstone scorned!

Back in the Outback Jesse and the Saint are still walking across the sandy landscape when an airplane piloted by Tulip circles above them. Jesse must sense her because he takes off running just as Tulip blasts the Saint with Cassidy’s fire-retardant smoke! The cowboy is momentarily blinded long enough for the plane to swoop down and rescue Jesse! The Saint is left in the dust as Jesse hops on board and, finally, all three friends are back together again. Not that it’s a particularly happy reunion. Tulip is still not over how she and Jesse left things and the vibes inside the plane are awkward, to say the least. So much so that Cassidy fills the tense silence by demanding Jesse ask God about the meaning of The Big Lebowski. If the world is ending and Jesse’s getting answers, Cass isn’t going to the grave without some clarity on the Coen Brothers film that’s baffled him for decades.

It’s not long before all three friends seem to settle into their flight while down below God and Starr prepare their nuclear weapon for Phase Two on their plan. Starr is practically giddy with anticipation, but all that changes when God brings up Humperdoo. Once again Starr lies, claiming the Holy Child is fine, but this time God doesn’t buy it. Starr realizes the all-knowing creator is on to him and decides to come clean with the truth admitting Humperdoo is lost but promising he will be found. God hopes so because he loves that slobbering fool. What he doesn’t love is being lied to. As punishment for his deceit God summons a wild dingo to attack Herr Starr, mauling the maniac’s manhood! The wild dog rips Herr Starr’s appendage to shreds as God laughs while watching the dingo do his dirty work.

As the end of the world, and the end of episode comes to nuclear tipping point, God spots the plane carrying Jesse, Tulip and Cassidy high above him. Raising his hands towards the sky he unleashes a mushroom cloud of epic proportions that rocks the plane, sending Jesse barreling out the exit door. Cassidy grabs Jesse’s arm, but the sun sets the vampire’s arm aflame. Cass holds on as long as he can, but the plane is headed towards a major malfunction and Jesse knows God will kill them to get to him. He screams for Cass to let him go, but his friend refuses even as Cass’s arm is burning to a crisp. He refuses to let Jesse fall. Looking deep into Cassidy’s eyes Jesse says, “Tell Tulip to read the letter,” and then the preacher lets go, falling from the sky and landing face first in the sand at Apostles Park. As Jesse plummets through the clouds, Tulip gains control of the plane and the look on her face says it all. Jesse Custer is dead…or is he? It seems unlikely that God would kill the Preacher before the two had a chance to sit down and talk, but as the light extinguishes from Jesse’s eyes there is a chance that Hell just got a new resident.