Preacher – The Tom/Brady

By: Kelly Kearney

In this episode the Grail and the L’Angelle’s team up to satisfy Gran’ma and her hunger for souls while simultaneously saving the world from All Father’s Messiah fantasies. With heaven’s throne up for grabs, Jesse is tasked with taking back his powers of Genesis, but with an endless supply of Humperdoo clones and a Gran’ma’s deal with Satan we see Custer and friends have their work cut out for them.

Take Out the All Father and Grab Your Soul

Last week Herr Starr (Pip Torrens) broke the news to Jesse (Dominic Cooper) that in order to get his soul back he has to kill the All Father (Jonny Coyne). So, when The Tom/Brady (a play on Thomas Jefferson and Wayne Brady, not a guy in New England) opens, Jesse grabs Herr Starr’s gun and starts gunning down the Grail guards in an action-packed massacre for which “Preacher” is known. Once the coast is clear, Jesse makes his way up to the top floor where All Father is waiting for him. Custer plugs the All Father with a bullet to the abdomen but the obese maniac shrugs it off. It’s going to take a lot more than a bullet to the holy beer gut to stop All Father, especially when Jesse learns his soul is safely lodged in his holiness’ anus. All Father has an ace up his sleeve, so to speak, and is keeping Jesse’s soul in a “safe place” until he can steal Genesis and insert it in that simpleton Humperdoo (Tyson Ritter).

Over in Angelville, T.C. (Colin Cunningham) tells Miss Marie (Betty Buckley) that Tulip (Ruth Negga) and Jody (Jeremy Childs) are back from Osaka with her “soul food,” but Featherstone (Julie Ann Emery) didn’t survive the trip. Marie heads outside to get her fill of souls but instead is faced with all the people she’s killed over the years, including Madame Boyd (Prema Cruz). Gran’ma loses it but when she wakes up she realizes it was a dream.

A Collect Call to Hell

Last week we found out Eccarius (Adam Croasdell) isn’t the peaceful, fun loving vampire Cassidy (Joseph Gilgun) thought. Instead of sending his baby vamps out into the world, he’s killing them. Apparently, this vampire cannibalism helped make him the powerful blood sucker he is and Cassidy is kind of jealous of Eccarius’ skills. After their make out session from last week the two catch a cab while Cassidy mentions that he hasn’t heard from his newest sire, Lisa. Eccarius shrugs this off and wonders if Lisa is in Spain, even though Cassidy knows Eccarius sent her to Poland. The Irishman doesn’t question his new “vampire with benefits’” story and as they exit the taxi we find out the driver was Hoover (Malcolm Barrett) in disguise. The Grail operative trades in his dreadlocks wig for a necklace of garlic but it’s not long before the vampire cult catches on and surrounds the cab. Hoover’s been busted and now his fate lies in the hands of Eccarius’ clan.

Back in Angelville we see Gran’ma is awake and ready for her souls, but she’s still untrusting of Tulip. Who wouldn’t be? O’Hare tried to kill Marie and now she’s not sure she can trust Tulip to come through with the souls. Worrying, Gran’ma picks up the phone and dials into Hell to talk to Satan (Jason Douglas) who winds up stopping by for a visit. It’s apparent that these two go way back and have a certain fondness for each other thanks to the fact Satan granted Marie the gift of immortality. As if that deal wasn’t sweet enough, Granny now wants Satan to deal with Tulip. After all, Satan has to keep Gran’ma happy since once her soul eating days are over and she is destined to spend eternity by his side. Marie wets his curiosity by offering up a trade – Tulip’s life for Jesse’s power. The devil is more than interested in Genesis, but he may have to go through the All Father in order to get it.

Speaking of that heinous beast All Father, he’s determined to remove Genesis from Jesse, regardless of the fact the preacher was the chosen one. Faith in God or not, All Father rebukes Jesse’s theory that God chose him and straps Custer to a torture chair. Luckily, Herr Starr slipped another gun into Jesse’s suit pocket but with the Preacher’s hands tied he’s going to have a hard time shooting All Father in the head, which seems to be the only spot that can take the man down. Hoping to distract him long enough to reach for the gun, Jesse goads All Father into removing Genesis with this high-tech holy vacuum hose. Jesse, thinking All Father wants the powers for himself, is shocked when the gluttonous holy man explains the power is for Humperdoo and not just one Humperdoo but for an army of leg humping clone Humperdoos the Grail scientists created. Sucking Genesis out of Jesse is the easy part, but every time the entity is inserted into a Humperdoo the idiot’s brains explode all over the Grail’s pristine walls. One by one, Humperdoos explode into a gory mess as Jesse and Herr Starr watch on in horror.

Soul Smoothies and Explosive Experiments

While All Father is blowing through his disposable Humperdoos, Tulip and Featherstone are in Osaka distracting the Japanese soul keepers with a sexual harassment HR seminar. Lara asks Tulip to volunteer to be groped to make a point and it’s clear that Featherstone just wanted to make Tulip suffer. If these two could get over their feud for a minute they would see they would make a great Thelma and Louise team but Featherstone, the elitist, won’t give Tulip any credit for her street-smart part of this plan.

Back at Grail headquarters, All Father is blowing through his Humperdoo clones with similarly explosive results. Maybe Jesse was right, God chose him for a reason and no matter how many sons of God that the All Father has in his arsenal Genesis is not going to stick. To make matters worse, in Angelville we see Satan cutting a deal with Gran’ma to take out Tulip and in return the old woman will hand his hideousness her grandson. The devil sends out his female enforcer to finish things with Tulip to clear a path to Custer and his sought-after powers. Everyone wants a piece of Jesse and, for now, the only one in his corner is that coward Herr Starr who can’t seem to kill All Father thanks to his faith in the Grail.

After dozens of wasted Humperdoo brains, All Father brings in his secret weapon – a doctor (Karen Strassman) who created a DNA smoothie with all the same amounts of good and bad that make up Jesse Custer. The doctor hopes this drink will be more successful than her last cocktail made from Serena Williams and Louis XVI. Apparently, Wimbledon champs and Kings are not the right holy concoction and the doctor had to go back to the drawing board.

Vampires and Soul Banks

With All Father’s wreaking chaos at Grail headquarters, Herr Starr doesn’t have time to deal with Hoover and his vampire problems. When the operative Snapchats his boss an S.O.S. that he’s been captured, Herr Starr shrugs it off and tells the vamp group to go ahead and kill him. This leads to a lengthy discussion about the best way to kill Hoover. Cassidy is against the idea of a “The Wicker Man” end, even though he’s a fan of the film. But after the group goes back and forth, they decide to give Hoover a say in how he meets his maker. Death by bees or turned into a vampire. Hoover chooses the latter and Cassidy does the honors of turning him into a baby vamp, hat umbrella and all.

Back in Osaka, Tulip and Featherstone manage to break into the soul bank but security cameras catch them in the act. Thankfully, Jody poses as a Human Resource officer there to check on the staff’s browsing history, which gives the two women time to break the code and access the safe containing the souls. Once they have the goods, Jody gets a call from Angelville telling him they have to get back to Miss Marie. However, as they’re leaving Satan’s enforcer, dressed as a flight attendant, follows them on to their flight. Once on the plane, she asks Tulip if she’s seen a brunette on her way back from Japan and Tulip, being so done with Lara and her constant attitude, points to Featherstone and sends the enforcer her way. Tulip, who’s quite proud of herself for pulling one over on Lara, realizes her mistake when she notices she grabbed the wrong suitcase. The case containing the souls was switched and it must be due to that old O’Hare curse God was talking about. Tulip wants to go find the suitcase, but Jody stops her and tells her who that lady is; she is death and Featherstone is going to Hell. For now, the souls are gone and knowing Miss Marie someone (mainly Tulip) is going to pay.

The Truth is Out

After turning Hoover into a vampire, Eccarius takes him to the airport (a/k/a/ tries to eat him), but Cassidy catches his new boo in the act. Eccarius attacks Cass, knocking him out but giving Hoover a chance to escape before he can meet his fiery fate.

Meanwhile, the Grail scientist concocts a new smoothie from combining Thomas Jefferson and Wayne Brady’s DNA, giving them the Tom/Brady and miraculously it works! When they suck Genesis out of Jesse it lands in Humperdoo, giving the blathering moron the voice of God. Humperdoo commands everyone to bow their heads, but then the doctor shoots Humperdoo dead and the All Father instructs her to bring in the real Messiah. This leads us to the final scene of the episode where Eugene (Ian Colletti), Hitler (Noah Taylor) and Featherstone wait for the bus to Hell. The Saint of Killers (Graham McTavish) fulfilled his end of the bargain and is returning the Hell block’s escapees to the dark one. He’s even throwing in a Featherstone for good measure, even if Satan wanted Tulip instead. Without Tulip, Satan’s deal with Gran’ma will fall through and without her souls Marie will wither away until she’s forced to join the devil in Hell. With All Father planning on wiping out humanity and starting from scratch, the fate of mankind is in the hands of Jesse and Herr Starr. God help us all!