Scorpion – Bat Poop Crazy

By: Kim Olson

All poor Sylvester (Ari Stidham) wants is to just live a normal life, have a normal Halloween with candy, costumes and decorations. He wants just be sitting at home watching Super Fun Guy before going to the Halloween party at the garage. He just wants to have an average Halloween, similar to the ones he had growing up, when he would dress up as someone “cool” in his father’s letterman jacket with his hair slicked back. Instead, he’s in a dark cave with “disease-ridden flying rodents” that poop on each other being grabbed at during poop-your-pants terrifying moments! The poor guy’s face just reads, “This is my nightmare! This is my actual nightmare!” He even has to ascent the cave wall to grab one of the “filthy animals” and hold it in his hands in order to inspect it! Just when he starts to think bats aren’t as bad as he initially thought, “the bastard” attacks him, bites him and gives him rabies!

After falling further into the cave, alone and breaking away from the group, Paige (Katharine McPhee) reveals to sweet Walter (Elyes Gabel) the truth about her family because he can tell something’s bothering her and that bothers him. She admits that when her mom left her dad was brokenhearted, a sad single-dad raised her. (Toby was wrong about the wolves.) As a kid, Paige never went out trick or treating with the other kids on Halloween because seeing families having fun together was too much for her dad. Instead, he would buy a bag of no-name candy, put it out on the porch and turn off all the lights. Hearing this, Walter wants to give Paige a special trick or treating memory by going out with her and Ralph (Riley B. Smith) later that night, but sadly Tim comes home early to go with them so Walter can’t. Walter would’ve made trick or treating a special experience for Paige because of reasons only he’s privy to, but instead Tim went with her just because it’s what people do. (Un)Fortunately, Ralph is too smart for Walter to lie to him. He can see right through him and knows what he really wants.

While everyone else is in the bat cave, Happy (Jadyn Wong) is back at the garage babysitting Ralph because caves are dangerous for pregnant women due to “rat pee.” (Note: Caves are dangerous for pregnant women for A LOT more reasons than just “rat pee.” Note #2: Caves are dangerous for ANYBODY.) Little does Happy know she has a long day ahead of her. She thinks Ralph can take care of himself because he’s a genius saying “he’s like a self-driving car,” but oh my God No! He cannot be trusted to take care of himself! The first time Happy ever watches Ralph alone, to gain parenting experience, he’s on a sugar high. Of course! He’s a “genius with candy brain” and just keeps eating more and more candy – starting with handfuls of candy corn he made into an artistic corn on the cob and ending with a bowl full of mini chocolate bars. As Walter points out, the glucose just makes Ralph even more hyper. So, Ralph causes as much commotion in the garage as he can! He plays with a blowtorch, (giving a whole new meaning to “smashing pumpkins”), dances with a skeleton and climbs on a chair to hold a flame to the fire alarm! He’s like an evil demon spawn!

Happy handles herself very well for the nightmarish misadventures she has to navigate. If it were any other child, she might not care as much, but since it’s practically her nephew she is not having any of this! When Ralph plays with the blow torch, while she’s on the phone, she snaps her fingers and stares at him to “put that down.” When he climbs on the chair, with a lighter to set off the fire alarm, she yells at him “get down before you break your neck!” And when the eyes in the back of her head, that all mothers have, sense something is off she asks the right questions. “Am I smelling ammonia? What is in that syringe? …You’re injecting the pumpkins with explosive chemicals?!” Yah, Happy’s gonna make such an amazing mom! Happy’s smart and caring, but she’s gotta work on that nurturing. Patting Ralph’s head and telling him to “hang on there” when he has a stomachache from all the chocolate he ate might not have been the best move. Let’s hope Toby’s mom’s “bat poop crazy”-ness isn’t hereditary because Happy does not need a kid like Ralph on a sugar rush.

While Happy is watching Ralph, Toby (Eddie Kaye Thomas) calls to check in and see how the babysitting is going and, to make her day, tells her he has a surprise waiting for her. We come to find out, in a scene so small, sweet and good that like brand name Halloween candy, Toby got Happy a rocking chair! No, not “got.” Made. For her. HE BUILT HER A ROCKING CHAIR! The genius behaviorist / Harvard trained medic carved out a rocking chair for the brilliant mechanic! There’s something so warm, homely and comforting about antiquated rocking chairs because they ARE perfect for rocking a baby to sleep.

That moment was really the perfect spot for a Quintis kiss, but too bad Ralph interrupts them. Come on kid, 30 more seconds! He might have saved the day though interrupting them when he did because if he waited any longer the bureaucrat from INS working Happy and Walter’s case might have caught Happy and Toby making out because she joined the party not even a second later. If INS finds out Happy and Walter’s marriage is a sham, all the little facts husband and wife learned about each other by living together would be for naught. Their uber romantic matching Halloween costumes, like dark and illuminated matter that together make up the universe, wouldn’t count for anything. All of their energy would be a waste. But still, no matter how much they learn about each other, it can never be enough as they can’t predict what the INS worker will ask and if Happy doesn’t have a practiced answer she’s in trouble since she’s a terrible liar, especially thinking on her feet. (On the bright side, at least Toby will know if she’s ever lying to him.)

So, for real, who’s all going to prison and getting deported because “we are in deep guano?”

Best Lines:

• Paige: Would that be a state crime or additional federal offense on top of the fraudulent marriage? Toby: Both. Paige: Great.
• Toby: That has me a second away from breaking into tears…. Sly: Sometimes we get so caught up in the 10-sided die we lose track of time. Toby: And that made it worse.
• Sly: I am not spelunking to save a disease-ridden flying rodent.
• Sly: Rat pee is dangerous for anybody.
• Sly: I resent that you would assume that I would freak out. Me: Have you met you?!
• Man: What should we name this place? Woman: I think “bat cave” is already taken.
• Sly: We are surrounded by psychotic flying killers that will go off at the slightest provocation.