Scorpion – Something Burrowed, Something Blew

By: Kim Olson

It’s been many weeks since Walter (Elyes Gabel) fired Paige (Katharine McPhee). Paige and Ralph (Riley B. Smith) still feel antagonistic toward Walter. Ralph is shady towards him and threatens to kick his ass! He tells Walter, “You’re lucky I’m a kid. If I were bigger, I would fight you. You hurt my mother.” To make matters worse, Ralph hears Walter talking about him behind his back saying, “For a brilliant child, he is unreasonable!” In line with her new cushy job, Paige and, in turn, Ralph has abandoned their family at Scorpion. Paige even ditched Toby (Eddie Kaye Thomas), even though she’s supposed to be best ma’am at his wedding! Thus, some are happy to see them again and others are not so much. Sylvester (Ari Stidham) excitedly picks Ralph up upon seeing him again, while Happy (Jadyn Wong) is back to calling Paige “waitress.” With Paige gone, Scorpion has hired a replacement for her former assistant position – their old pal Ray (Kevin Weisman). Ray is SO high maintenance and bossy! He makes Paige take a number to talk to the members of Scorpion and, on top of that, he’s just rude. He calls her “Phyllis,” “Peyton” and “Pam,” but never “Paige.” Does he even know her name?! Eventually, Paige slaps him out of the way and takes back control of Scorpion!

On Happy and Toby’s wedding day, Scorpion accepts a case extinguishing an underground fire in Wyoming. Why?! Why would they even take a case on their wedding day and risk missing the wedding?! One would think Scorpion would have enough experience to not take cases on an important day! HAVE THEY NEVER WORKED A CASE BEFORE?! Something always goes wrong! This time, an explosion causes rocks to collapse and trap Walter a few hundred feet underground, his leg firmly pinned between rocks. Walter is down for the count. The longer they’re there, the smaller are their chances of making it to the wedding. Walter would give up his seat, not at the head table, at the wedding so Happy and Toby could make it to the wedding and have their day; however, Scorpion isn’t leaving anyone behind. Paige keeps pushing and pushing the wedding back until, officially, Happy and Toby miss the wedding they spent the better part of a year planning. They never get to see the venue, flowers, music, cake, etc. that they picked out. “There’s no way we could’ve known this was going to happen,” says Walter, as if they couldn’t have learned from the past. Sounds like they missed a hell of a wedding too based on the wonderful time Toby’s friends and family had with the great DJ. Sadly, they can’t afford to throw Toby’s dream wedding twice. This terrible ending to what should be a great day seems about right to Happy. Her whole life, whenever she’d look forward to something, it’d be ripped out from under her feet. She’s not surprised her wedding was ruined, too.

Over Paige’s dead body will there be no wedding today! She’s the best ma’am and she takes her job seriously. Today was supposed to be Happy and Toby’s wedding day and come hell or high water they are getting married today! She plans a “kickass” impromptu wedding ceremony for Scorpion’s lovebirds. Instead of getting married on the beach in San Jose, Toby and Happy are going to get married under beautiful twinkle lights in the most perfect venue – Kovelsky’s parking lot. Toby wears the white tux he wore to his prom because he lost too much weight working out HARD to fit in his number one choice tux. Since her first choice dress is in San Jose, Happy wears a new, expensive dress Paige can’t afford and she’ll need to return. Happy also wears her something old – a broach Cabe (Robert Patrick) gave her – and holds her something blue – a rose Ralph made for her. Happy borrows Cabe to walk her down the aisle, in place of her dad. (Her something borrowed was supposed to be a sweet, sentimental tie clip Walter gave her from when they first met, but Happy destroyed it during the day’s case.) Watching her walk down the aisle, Toby thinks she looks beautiful.

Even through all the drama, standing at the altar and looking at each other, Happy and Toby are so happy. Toby is speechless! He just loves her so much! He’s so nervous that he’s choking up. He’s got nothing to say but, “I love you.” He wrote a whole essay, the length of War and Peace, comparing himself and Happy to Han and Leia and all he can say is “I love you.” Since he’s speechless, Happy goes. She tells him, “I’m a mechanical genius, which means I understand in my mind and my heart how parts work together. It’s why I love machines. Bolt and a wrench. Chain and a gear. They just made sense to me. They fit. For a long time I didn’t feel like I fit anywhere, until I met you. And I knew then, just like I know how to assemble engines, that you and me Toby we fit. You’re my home.” Happy and Toby fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. They somehow make it through their vows without kissing and get to the I dos.  They smile at each other as the ring boy, Ralph, brings up the rings. Once the officiant, Ray, stops crying he finishes the ceremony.  “Do you Tobias Merriweather Curtis take Happy Quinn to be your lawfully wedded wife?” he asks. Slipping a ring on Happy’s finger, Toby exclaims “You bet I do!” Ray continues, “And do you, Happy Quinn?” Before he can finish the question Happy is saying “I do” and slips the ring on Toby’s finger. “Then, by the power vested in me by the computer at a public library, I now pronounce you husband and wife,” finishes Ray. Not waiting any longer, Happy pounces on her new husband, kissing him!

Toby’s huge dream wedding party are eight people total, including the bride and groom, but everyone seems to have fun at the reception. Happy, Toby, Paige and Sly are dancing and smiling. Ray is dancing by himself and juggling! The cake Ralph is eating is good. Cabe gives Toby a lofty check. The newlyweds slow dance to a beautiful song while calling each other “Mrs. Curtis” and “Mr. Quinn.” Even Walter’s song choice, the knee-bone song, goes over really well. This family has fun at their first proper wedding.

During the reception, Walter is the most honest with Paige about his emotions that he has ever been. While dancing with her, he nervously says, “Today we saved an entire county. Together. It’s the first time you’ve been involved in a case in a while and it felt different. It felt like it mattered…. It mattered to me that you were there. You know, these past weeks… when we achieved something, gotten a case, solved a problem, it felt empty. It’s like it wasn’t really happening if I couldn’t share it with you.” Having Paige on Scorpion feels right to Walter and not being there feels wrong to Paige. She tells him, “I’ve had a lot of great things happen for me lately. My own office, an assistant, more money, but it felt hollow…because I wasn’t with a team. I wasn’t sharing the news with them, with you.” They stop dancing. Walter looks Paige square in the eyes, wears his heart on his sleeve and says what she wants to hear. He says, “I want to state for the record that I’m not suffering from hypoxia, I haven’t ingested hallucinogenic seed dust and I’m not facing imminent death. I’m just stating an irrefutable fact. I fired you because I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since shortly after we met. And I’ve spent years trying to process how that should be handled. Perhaps it’s not something that is supposed to be handled. Maybe it’s something that just is. And I know you don’t feel the same as I do and that’s ok, but I just wanted you to know.” Crying, Paige surprises Walter by saying, “I’m in love with you, too.” Walter doesn’t know what to do with that information, but Paige has an idea.

Happy and Toby sneak off from their reception for some “alone time,” and find Walter and Paige making out, rounding the bases, in a storage closet they were going to use for the exact same reason! Toby is shell shocked seeing Walter’s shirt open and Paige’s breasts hanging out! It’s Toby and Happy’s wedding! They’re the ones who are supposed to be making out in a closet! Sly rounds the corner to tell the four that Cabe is looking for them and Cabe soon follows suit. Finding Walter and Paige disheveled, Cabe exclaims, “It’s about damn time!” Now everyone knows Walter and Paige were hooking up. There are no secrets in this family, at all!  “Anyone else wanna come by? How about Ray?” Paige suggests sarcastically, still fixing her appearance. They’re just lucky Ralph didn’t find them making out!

Cabe came to tell them they have a new case. “We’re in the middle of our wedding,” Toby reminds him. Cabe informs them the case is in Tahiti, which means… free honeymoon for Toby and Happy! “With everyone else, that kinda ruins it,” says Toby. Their plane takes off in an hour, which means Toby and Happy still don’t even have five minutes to pack the trunk full of “costumes” they joked about bringing on their honeymoon or consummate their marriage.

Poor Toby, nothing ever goes as he plans. Not the proposal, stag party, wedding or honeymoon. He had to propose to Happy twice, fight immigration services and wait for her to divorce Walter to even marry her. Then, instead of having the wedding they spent forever planning, Paige had to throw an impromptu one. Now, as soon as their plane to paradise takes off, it crashes to the ground! They’re having a plane-crashed honeymoon! Are Toby and Happy doomed? One would almost think they’re on a soap opera!  Hopefully, the newlyweds survive with their wedded bliss intact and can make some babies on their off-the-cuff honeymoon!

How was this not the season finale?! It checks off every box on a stereotypical finale! Happy and Toby get married. Walter and Paige tell each other they love each other and make out. There’s even a life-or-death cliff-hanger! If this is just another episode of Scorpion, how does the season end?!

Best Lines:

• Happy: Don’t screw up my wedding.
• Toby: Time for kicks!
• Toby: You’re (Ray) exactly like a vagrant who lives in a trailer in the back of a garage.
• Toby: Skinny little nerdy kids who no one ever thinks will grow up to land a super-hot wife.
• Ray: San Jose, California’s a myth. Toby: Excuse me?! Ray: It’s not real, brother. Like Tallahassee. Toby: Tallahassee’s real. Ray: Is it?
• Happy: We just got married in a parking lot tonight. Paige, don’t get me wrong, it was perfect. But it was a parking lot.
• Toby: Are there any other secrets about you that I should know my beautiful bride? Happy: Probably. 
• Toby: I’m sure Happy’s got everything under control. Sly: Does she, Toby?! Does she?!