Ted Lasso – We’ll Never Have Paris

By: Kelly Kearney

Divorce is hard and nobody feels that more than the children caught between two loving parents. In this week’s kindcore footie dramedy,  Michelle, and Dr. Jake heads to Paris while leaving Henry in London to spend time with his father, Ted. Richmond’s coach is thrilled to have his son with him but less excited about whatever this Parisian holiday means for Michelle and Jake. It’s the city of love, and everyone’s favorite destination to pop the question, so Ted is beside himself with worry that Michelle is ready to move on in holy matrimony, while he has to smile from the sidelines. If only Ted could see that his marriage might be over but Henry still needs his dad.

Can Ted Lasso Move On?

We begin with Ted (Jason Sudeikis) on a 4-game winning streak and celebrating his newfound success with his son, Henry (Gus Turner), ex-wife Michelle (Andrea Anders), and her new man Jake (Mike O’Gorman). The group is chatting over drinks at Mae’s pub but the mood is awkward like any typical third-wheel situation would be. Ted is doing his best to smile through it – for Michelle’s sake. After all, seeing her means he gets to spend time with Henry. When self-proclaimed avid hand washer Jake excuses himself from the table to head to the bathroom, Michelle fills Ted in on their big plans. Jake is taking her to Paris – a place Ted always wanted to take his wife but could never find the time, and now watching her happy over visiting her dream city has Ted Lasso in his feelings over it. France isn’t the only toes Jake is stepping on; when Henry needs some spare change both Jake and Ted reach for their pockets in a sort of knee-jerk reaction any father would instinctively do for their sons. Unfortunately for his relationship with Henry, Ted has been in London for a while and Jake is filling in in the dad role. The confusion only adds to Ted’s fears he’s missing out on Henry’s life. Wisely, Jake lets Ted fish around in his pockets where he pulls out some random bottle caps and a very familiar green matchbook.

With marriage on his mind and not much else, Ted heads to work where he asks the Diamond Dogs [plus new addition Trent (James Lance)] where their dream engagement location would be if they could choose anywhere. He explains this is all about his ex and the Dogs all agree Paris is the city to do it. Trent asks the pivotal question, isn’t he getting a bit ahead of himself with worry? There is no reason to get upset until he knows for sure, and Higgins  (Jeremy Swift) agrees. There is no need for panic now when he has no idea if this engagement is actually happening. But Ted is convinced it is; so much so, he heads to Rebecca’s office and practically begs her to hire a private investigator to follow his ex to find out. All judgments aside [and Rebecca (Hannah Waddingham) is certainly judging this stalker-level request] she agrees, but only to help Ted manage the inevitable emotional fall-out if and when it happens.

The Great A-WANK-ening

Speaking of emotional upheaval, a romantic moment between Keeley (Juno Temple) and Jack (Jodi Balfour) gets vaporized by a targeted breach of her privacy. As part of a massive celebrity hack a very private and explicit video she recorded was posted online and now it’s gone viral. She can’t stomach the thought of all her friends, family and even the team watching it. Keeley is no stranger to nude modeling but those were her choice and the difference is this data leak is a non-consenting invasion of her most intimate moments. She never intended for anyone else to see it but the person she made it for, and for now, that person remains unknown.

When we catch up with the team they’re talking about the data leak the tabloids are referring to as “The Great A-WANK-ening,” exciting few on the team enough to find out who made the list. Everything changes when they learn one of their own was caught up in it and it’s the one person who least deserves it. Keeley. They all love that big-hearted ball of energy, so Isaac (Kola Bokini) – who will not tolerate disrespect –  starts a debate about the ethics of sexualizing women you don’t know and the dangers of these sorts of hacks. As footballers they’ve had their fair share of fangirls, groupies, and naked women from around the world flooding their phones with videos and photos and that puts each of them at risk – and certainly the innocent women who didn’t ask to be a part of it. To prevent this from happening to anyone on the team the captain orders all of them to delete any nude content from their phones. Easy for Sam (Toheeb Jimoh) and Jamie (Phil Dunster); Sam allows his exes to delete whatever they want from his device, including Candy Crush, while Jamie–who is angrier at the hackers than anyone, does not keep that stuff on his phone. As the only (according to him) celebrity on the team, he would be the first to get hacked. All ego jokes aside, the guys grumble through Isaac’s orders and ask questions like, “What if it’s a tasteful nude” or “What about black and white?”The questions spiral down from there into burning paintings to flushing nude women defecating in very non-sexual ways, right down data’s toilet. “DELETE IT!” Isaac asserts to each player. Even if it’s a sonogram, make it disappear. As the men go through their phones Colin (Billy Harris) heads out into the hallway for some privacy. He doesn’t need any curious eyes looking over his shoulder while he scrolls through his photo gallery. Isaac clocks him leaving and follows, assuming Colin is trying to dip out on his orders. When Colin isn’t watching, Isaac grabs his phone to do it for him. That’s when the team’s captain sees it: a photo that presumably outs Colin. Isaac pauses and nods at his nervous teammate but never looks at him as he hands back his phone and walks into the locker room. It’s hard to tell what Isaac is thinking, but knowing the moral and open-minded guy he’s been this season, we can bet his broody attitude is more about Colin not trusting him with his truth than it is an issue with his sexuality.

As Relationships Die, New Relationships are Born

As for Keeley, this leak came right as Jack was about to whisk her away on a holiday fit for a billionaire. Now Ms. Moneybags is showing signs of cold feet. She promises to use all her connections to solve this problem and Keeley assumes that means getting the photo taken down. No such luck; the internet is a wild and untamed beast that’s impossible to contain. What Jack does is contact her father’s PR team to draw up a press release to halt any further drama that could affect Jack – not Keeley’s profit margins. She never comes out and says that, but it’s obvious when she sends Barbara (Katy Wix) in to hand deliver the release that reads a bit like slut-shaming with a hefty dose of regret. Keeley is devastated; she wasn’t embarrassed she made the video, just that it was leaked for the world to see. And the fact Jack sees it differently is hurtful. Jack even cancels attending a celebrity polo match together. Keeley is disappointed as she even went out and bought a Pretty Woman-inspired outfit for their big red carpet coming out and now all of that was for nothing. This video is driving a wedge between the two new lovers and adding more heartache to the already heartbroken Keeley. Our favorite bright and bubbly blonde is starting to wonder if Jack is right and she should feel some level of shame over making the video, but bestie Rebecca puts a stop to that second-guessing nonsense. There is nothing wrong with that video; in fact, Rebecca cheers her up by reminding her that it has the capacity to teach millions of young women how to get in touch (pun intended) with their sexualities. The two women trade first masturbation stories–as you do with your totally platonic and extremely attractive best friends, and with a few laughs, hugs and a loyal promise by Rebecca of “I’ve got you” that dark cloud over Keeley starts to lift. It returns thanks to Roy (Brett Goldstein), who stops her as she’s leaving to apologize for the video leak. She thanks him but when he stutters out, “Who was it for” and sees her face drop, he instantly apologizes for asking the inappropriate question. Mistakes aside, the damage is done, and with her head hung low and tears threatening to spill from her eyes, Keeley climbs into her car and drives off leaving Roy kicking himself for his big jealous mouth.

Things get worse when Jack trades polo and purses for taking her girlfriend mini-golfing and runs into a former schoolmate, Alyssa (Augusta Woods), from her university days. Keeley is stunned into silence when she hears Jack introduce her to the woman as her friend. Later that night when she hands Keeley a revised copy of the press release, Keeley tells her she doesn’t want to post it because she doesn’t feel ashamed, unlike Jack who obviously is. The two argue and Keeley admits there might be more videos out there. Jack gathers her things and walks out. So much for sisterhood and female empowerment! The only person to make Keeley feel better–besides Rebecca–her one-woman personal cheering section, is Jamie. He shows up apologizing about the video leak and says it’s his fault as his email got hacked. He feels terrible because once he knew their relationship was over and her thing with Roy was real and not a ploy to make him jealous, he deleted all the videos and photos he had of her. He just forgot about the emails and now he’s on her porch hoping she can forgive him. He’s very sweet about it (so different from the Jamie she dated earlier in the series) and Keeley hugs him tightly to let him know all is forgiven.

Keeley’s relationship with Jack might be over, but Nate’s (Nick Mohammed) relationship with Jade (Edyta Budnik) is just beginning. After their date, she slept over and now Nate is wondering what that means for them. He falls over himself to act cool and not pressure her into making things serious, and she plays along because it is obvious that’s what he wants. Jade agrees to keep things casual with him, but after texts the minute they wake up, and breakfast together even when they don’t spend the night in Nate’s bed, casual really doesn’t define their current status. Jade waits patiently for Nate to figure this out and he tries, by forming his own version of the Diamond Dogs at West Ham. Unfortunately, the coaching dynamics aren’t the same as his old club, and Nate realizes he’s going to have to figure this love stuff out himself. The meeting of the “West Ham Wolves” has been canceled for good; besides. Nate has a game to prepare for.

Out on the pitch his assistant coach, Disco (Jadran Malkovich), points out that they have a visitor in the stands. It’s Henry, screaming for his old pal Nate while wearing a West Ham jersey. Why is he there? Well, with Michelle in Paris, Ted has a chance to spend quality time with his son, and all Henry wanted to do was catch the West Ham game. Now the happy kid is sandwiched between a grimacing Beard (Brendan Hunt) and a smiling Ted, and it throws Nate off his game for a bit. He seems more confused than anything, but later, after the press gets a hold of the Richmond rival in the stands, Rupert texts Nate a promise to block Ted from any future matches. At first Nate texts back that he doesn’t have to do that, he thought the press excitement was funny because secretly he seems to be struggling to stay mad at Ted. It’s as if he is forcing down a smile whenever he sees the man and has to hype himself up to keep the feud going. He deletes his previous message and then texts Rupert, “Good. Thank You.” Old Nate is trying to break free from the negative and petty guy Rupert and his jealousies turned him into.

Later that night Jade is confused why Nate doesn’t want to celebrate West Ham’s win, but he is overly occupied with reading the Lasso vs. Wonderkid press. It’s the photo of Ted, Henry and even Beard smiling at the game that Nate can’t stop staring at.  Jade can’t help but point out the three look happy for him, so he should be too. Then, she distracts him by calling Nate her boyfriend and, finally, the status of their relationship is settled. Nate and his dream waitress Jade are official! His mother will be thrilled.

Ted Gets Closure and Henry Gets a Music Lesson

As for Ted, after the West Ham match, he and Beard take Henry to Mae’s (Annette Badland) for beers and milk. The bar matron isn’t exactly pleased to hear her Richmond coaches spent their day being traitors to her team. She tries to withhold the drinks but takes mercy on the thirsty boys and warns them they are on probation. As they sip their “sups” a street musician strums the Beatles song, “Hey Jude.” It’s a tune Henry knows well because the band is his father’s favorite. That’s when Ted’s phone rings with a call from Rebecca. He excuses himself to get an update on that Paris P.I. and the distant look on Henry’s face as his father walks away doesn’t go unnoticed by his Uncle Beard. It’s time for a pep talk, young Henry, and what better way than an educational mash-up between a supportive uncle and musical history? He tells Henry the history behind the song; how Jude was a boy struggling with the divorce of his parents. His father’s best friend noticed and wrote that song to cheer the boy up. The child was Julien Lennon, and the best friend and songwriter was Beatles frontman, Paul McCartney. Just like the song says, Henry can take his “sad song and make it better” and his uncle will be by his side cheering him on the whole way. As the two sing their “Na-Na-Na-Nas! Hey, Jude!” Rebecca fills Ted in on the Paris investigation. Her P.I. did not uncover a thing so he has nothing to worry about. She tells him to forget about his ex and whether or not she’s moved on because he has a son who needs him and right now Henry could use another backup singer.

The episode ends with Ted saying goodbye to Henry and Michelle as they head back to the States, but as he watches them from his apartment window a calming peace comes over him. It seems Ted Lasso is ready to move on and “take his sad song and make it better,” too.