The Last Man On Earth – Release The Hounds

By: Suzanne Fox

Todd (Mel Rodriguez) and Melissa (January Jones) are sitting on the sofa, holding hands. Erica (Cleopatra Coleman) is sitting opposite of them, with her baby Dawn next to her. Todd awkwardly tries to engage Erica in conversation while Melissa encourages him to speak.

Todd jumps up and says he can’t do it. Melissa says that she will then do it. Todd sits back down and says he feels he should be the one to do it. Erica patiently sits there. Todd starts to explain that he really wants a child. Todd says that Melissa does not want a child, as Melissa nods her head in agreement. Todd asks Erica if she could confirm that she has a child. As Erica looks at her baby she says, “I think I feel comfortable confirming that.” Todd asks Erica if she likes her baby. Erica shrugs and says the baby is just “all right.” Todd is disappointed until Erica tells him that she is kidding and she loves the baby. Todd and Melissa look relieved.

They all sit awkwardly until Melissa blurts out, “Do you want to have a baby with Todd?” Erica looks shocked and Todd jumps up and announces that this was a “Fool’s errand.” Todd thanks Erica for being gracious throughout this ordeal. Erica informs him that she did not say “no.” Todd gets excited again and starts yelling that “he is going to be a Dad!” Erica interjects and says that she did not say yes either. Erica asks for time to think about it. Then they all sit and stare at each other. Erica tells him it will take more than a few minutes.

Carol (Kristen Schaal) is folding baby clothes in her bedroom when Tandy (Will Forte) enters, carrying one of the babies. Tandy is wearing just shorts. He just gave the baby a bath. Carol is longingly looking at Tandy rocking the baby. Tandy announces that he just made a huge poop. Tandy turns to put the baby to bed. With his back to Carol, she asks him to stop right there. Tandy asks Carol if she “likes what you see.” Carol tells him that his “back hair is catching the light in the most beautiful way.” She says, “It’s like I’m seeing it for the first time.” Tandy tells her it must be “residual push sweat” due to his “pretty aggressive dump.” Carol tells him to keep doing it because she likes it. Tandy says that “Daddy aimsy to pleasey.” Carol asks Tandy to slowly spin for her. Tandy gyrates while holding the baby. Carol licks her mouth while she stares at his belly button. Tandy puts the baby down and comes over to Carol. He saunters over and asks if “somebody ordered the special.” Carol starts to poke his belly button. They start passionately kissing. Tandy stops and asks if it is ok to have sex since she just gave birth. Carol informs him that “just because the doggy door is busted, doesn’t mean he can’t look through the peep hole.” They start to make out again.

In their bedroom, Gail (Mary Steenburgen) is shocked when Erica tells her that Todd wants to have a baby together and Erica tells her that she really didn’t say anything. Erica said she was in too much shock. Gail tells her that she needs to shut this down. Erica says that she feels badly, especially since Dawn is the light of her life. She doesn’t want to deny him this opportunity. Gail tells her it is cut and dry and she needs to tell him no and that her wife supports her on this. Erica agrees and says she will be direct and pull Todd aside after dinner. Erica says she knows he will be crushed.

At dinner that night Todd is staring at Erica. Tandy and Carol arrive late because they were engaged in a “spirited petting session.” Tandy asks Todd to pass the garbanzo beans. Todd doesn’t hear him. Tandy ask him again and Todd distractedly hands them to him. Tandy asks Todd what he is thinking about and Todd flips out on Tandy. Todd says he wasn’t thinking about anything in particular and redirects the conversation back to garbanzo beans. Tandy asks Todd if he is ok. Melissa, Erica and Todd all look around. Todd says that he is just going to say it. He tells the table that he and Melissa asked Erica to carry his baby. Carol and Tandy get super excited. Todd tells them that Erica is taking time to think about it. Gail looks at Erica. Erica asks if they can talk about it later. Todd says to tell her now. Erica asks if she should do this in front of everyone. Todd and Erica get up to leave as Todd asks them to wish him good luck. Todd asks Melissa to join him and she says she really doesn’t want to go, but she ends up joining them in the other room.

Tandy has a garbanzo bean stuck in his beard. Carol spots it and stops Tandy from removing it. She sucks the bean out of his beard. Carol retrieves the bean and then spits it into Tandy’s mouth. They start to make out at the table. At that point, Todd can be heard yelling “No” over and over in the other room. Melissa and Todd walk back in, followed by Erica. Todd starts crying at the table. Tandy says, “sooooo…..” and Todd looks at him with tears in his eyes.

The next morning, Gail is drinking red wine at the kitchen counter. She is reading a First Responders Field Manual. Tandy and Carol come in and remind her that she recently had twin babies. Carol asks if they can agree on that. Gail agrees. Carol launches into a speech saying, “As we alluded to at dinner, Tandy and I have begun dabbling in the sensual arts again.” At this point, Carol is rubbing Tandy’s beard and mouth and Tandy starts to lick her fingers. Gail asks them to cut to the chase. Tandy asks for their medical blessing “to pork.” Gail tells them the normal waiting time to have intercourse post-birth is four to six weeks. They both are horrified. Gail then informs them that since Carol has a “freak show of a reproductive system” that they may be ok at the two-week mark. Carol asks if Gail is saying that Tandy “can release the hounds.” Gail emphatically tells them she will never say that. Gail gives her blessing. Tandy starts howling and he and Carol start to make out. Gail walks out in disgust.

Todd is lying in bed, in the same clothes. Melissa praises him for rolling over in the bed. Melissa is carrying a box full of random items. She said she got some fun stuff at the mall. Melissa starts to read from joke books. Todd doesn’t react at all. She puts a singing flower next to the bed. She starts dancing and Todd shuts off the flower. Melissa dumps the box and Todd spots a train set. Melissa asks if he likes the train set. Todd staggers out of the bedroom while holding the box of trains.

Carol is in bed, surrounded by candles. A boom box is playing “You Can Leave Your Hat On.” Tandy enters the room wearing a white button down and boxer briefs. He has a top hat on and he uses it as a prop for a very bizarre, awkward dance. Carol asks Tandy if he is ready. Tandy tells her he cleaned his balls, but they got a little sweaty during his dance. Tandy asks if she wants to sniff them. She said she will save that for dessert. Carol is naked and on top of Tandy. She is role playing working in a restaurant, but Tandy finishes too quickly. The babies are in their bassinet with head phones on throughout this.

Todd has set up the train set in the living room. He has changed his clothes. Tandy walks out in a robe with some Gatorade. Tandy tells Todd if he ever wants him to babysit he can hangout with their babies. Melissa comes into the room and asks Tandy if they can talk. She tells Tandy to stop talking about babies. Tandy says he is just trying to help. Melissa suggests they leave Todd alone with his trains. Todd is seen lying on the floor, staring at the trains.

A few months later, Todd is in the living room, watching his trains. His hair and beard are all grown out. Todd is wearing a bathrobe. He has made a whole town of trains in the living room. Tandy and Carol walk into the room. Carol is holding a box labeled “General Miscellaneous.” Tandy tells Todd, “Nice Caboose,” and then tells him the train isn’t too bad either. Tandy asks how Todd is doing. Todd sits there speechless. Melissa comes in and tells Tandy and Carol that Todd is fine. They all go into the hallway to talk. Tandy says that they have to tell him. Melissa says that it is not the right time. Carol says that it is never the right time. Tandy says it is killing him to lie to Todd. Carol moves the box and reveals that she is very pregnant. Melissa says they will tell him soon. Carol tells Melissa the baby won’t wait and they have about two months to tell Todd.

Later that day, the group is at the kitchen table. Erica proposes a toast in honor Gail and her six-month sobriety from red wine. Gail toasts this with a glass of white wine. Carol walks in holding a dart board over her belly. Melissa tells her that Todd is not in the room. Carol drops the board. Gail says that it is ridiculous that Todd doesn’t know yet. Melissa says she is doing the best she can. She points out that Todd is now out of bed. Todd staggers into the room, following a train. Tandy says that he has an idea and will handle it with his usual “grace and aplomb.” Tandy asks Carol to join him.

Tandy and Todd walk out of the house. Tandy has a wheelbarrow full of diapers. Tandy ties balloons to the diapers. Tandy tries reverse psychology on Todd. He tells Todd how much he hates having kids. Tandy says he is jealous of Melissa. Carol comes out with a newspaper over her baby. Carol announces she is pregnant and Tandy pretends to flip out. Todd walks away and goes back to his trains. He screams and smashes the trains and village like Godzilla.  Then he cries.

Erica is in her bedroom going through Dawn’s baby items. She is nostalgic about how tiny Dawn was. Erica shows Dawn a picture of her family from when Erica was a baby.

Tandy is playing soccer in the living room. Carol points out that the trains are all gone. Todd and Melissa enter the room. Todd is clean shaven and dressed. He tells them he put the trains away. Todd gives Carol a gift for being pregnant. Gail and Erica enter the room. Todd starts to read a letter he composed and Erica interrupts him. She tells him she wants to have a baby with him. Todd says he can’t receive a pity baby. Erica and Gail want to give Dawn a sister. Erica says she wants Todd to be the guy to go through this with her.

A man’s arm is seen reaching for the balloon that Tandy released.