The Last Man on Earth – Special Delivery

By starrymag | April 15, 2018

By: Suzanne Fox

 

 

Todd (Mel Rodriguez), Erica (Cleopatra Coleman) and Melissa (January Jones) are sitting in the living room. Erica asks Todd how they are going to do this. Todd emphasizes that the most important thing is that Erica is comfortable with this. Todd asks Erica if she needs anything. Erica says that she is fine. Todd tells Melissa to back off. Melissa apologizes to Erica. Erica asks if they are going to have sex. Todd says they should look at it as business decision. Todd says that he is going to manually generate product without passing out. He says that his product will then be basted into her store with product. Erica asks him to stop calling it “product.” Todd asks the group for better words. Tandy (Will Forte) says yield.   Gail (Mary Steenburgen) says overhead. Carol (Kristen Schaal) says deliverable. Tandy says output. Gail says input. Carol says download. Tandy says income. Gail says splutter. Carol says Confetti and bonuses.

 

Todd walks into the living room wearing a kilt. Tandy compliments him on the “nice Leprechaun skirt.” Tandy asks if he is wearing it to help with air flow to the “old bag and pipe.” Todd says that it is nothing compared to what Erica has to do. Todd says that Erica has to take vitamins, diet and exercise. Tandy asks if the “word on the street” is that Erica is ovulating. Todd agrees and explains ovulation to Tandy. Tandy asks if Todd has been refraining from masturbating because he should hold onto that “self abuse juice.” Todd confirms that he is not masturbating.

 

Tandy tells Todd that he and Carol have a surprise for him. Tandy leads Todd out to a storage room. Carol says that she has just finished. Tandy chimes in that Todd will be saying that soon too. Carol has decorated a safe place for Todd to masturbate. Carol says that she has created a “Masturbatorium.” The space is blue with a blue velvet chair, a box of tissues, bottles of lotion, drawings on the walls and blue Christmas lights. Carol says she is going to walk Todd through it. She states they could use a few more gentlemen in their world so she draws pictures of men, so Todd can visual something to provide a “male result.” She drew pictures of Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, Elvis Stojko, Robert Wadlow, William Howard Taft, Grover Cleveland and Donald Trump (the three fattest Presidents). Carol tells Todd that while he is masturbating he should picture these men. Todd thanks Carol. Tandy then explains that in terms of lotion, he has a lot of options. Tandy shows Todd his favorite lotion made of shea butter. Tandy makes Todd smell the lotion as he rubs the lotion on Todd’s arm. Todd heads into the space with his lotion. Tandy says, “Captain My Captain” as he and Carol salute him. From the other side of the wall, Tandy tells Todd the first thing he should do is “part his public thatch and find his body’s dong.” He tells Todd that next he should think of an alluring scenario.  Todd asks Tandy for a little privacy. Tandy agrees and then yells out for everybody to be quiet because Todd was about to masturbate.

Erica is folding clothes in her room. Melissa walks in and thanks Erica. She tells Erica that Todd is smiling and laughing again. Melissa tells her that she is an angel. Erica disagrees and Melissa snaps at her that she is an angel. Melissa tells Erica that she feels so close to her. Melissa says to Erica that they have been friends for awhile but that it is time for them to be “friends friends.” Erica agrees as Melissa asks her the last time that they “dished.” Then, Melissa says they haven’t lip synched into a wooden spoon or gotten tangled up in ribbons. Melissa suggests they make candles. Erica is hesitant and says she is going to stay in her bedroom and fold clothes. Melissa gets in her face and tells Erica that is “so you.” Erica jerks back as Melissa tells her that she is in a silly mood and maybe she should wear a giant tie. Erica says to Melissa she will see her later and Melissa replies she will – big time.

 

Gail and Carol are in the kitchen doing inventory. They are counting how many cans of peaches and green beans they have. Gail takes a giant can of chili. Carol points out that there is a big gas bubble in the can. Gail says that she is not afraid of a bulge. She opens the can and the chili sprays onto Carol. Carol says that she is going to pick some fruit.

 

Outside of town there is a fork in the road. Signs for Zihuatanejo and Ixtapa point left and right respectively. A truck pulls up and turns left.

 

Wearing a robe, Todd walks out of the Masturbatorium. Tandy is sitting right outside, reading a journal with an afghan on his lap. Tandy asks Todd if he produced. Todd holds up a big bag that is filled. Tandy congratulates him because his “juice is loose.” Tandy reaches for it and says he will run it over to Erica. Todd asks him to be careful. Tandy runs through the house while yelling that “spermatozoa is coming through.” Tandy runs to Erica’s bedroom while announcing that he has a special delivery. Gail answers the door and reaches for it. Tandy tells her that he has to follow protocol and deliver it to Erica personally. Gail grabs it and heads inside. Tandy yells at her that she is “fake news.”

 

A blue truck is seen backing into a tree. Carol is wearing a helmet. She drives into an orange tree in the hopes of making oranges fall into the truck. Then, she spots something and says, “Oh my God.”

 

Erica walks into the kitchen. Todd jumps up and asks if she wants to sit next to Gail. Melissa is beaming at Erica – while wearing a giant tie. Erica says she is fine. Melissa whispers to Erica, asking if she remembered their talk about the tie. Todd asks Erica how it went. Erica says it was fine. Todd asks if she felt like it took. Erica tells him it is way to early as Todd tells her that she is glowing. Melissa agrees that Erica is glowing. Erica tells them she is not glowing and asks for wine. Todd makes uncomfortable sounds while Erica drinks the wine. Todd asks if she is going to drink the whole thing. Todd says he is doing water because of their deal as Erica chugs her wine. Melissa stands and announces that she wrote a poem. She reads, “Girlfriends. There when we laugh. There when we cry. Hey Erica – remember this tie? Nail polish. Boys. Secret containers. Putting paper clips in our mouths to pretend they are retainers. You are beautiful and smart and you have so much style. I can’t wait for you and Todd to produce this child.” Erica thanks Melissa. Melissa announces that she is now starting the seated portion of the poem. “Seated or standing we are never apart because you are always a part of my heart.” Gail asks if Erica would like more wine and Erica tells her that would be a “hard yes.” Todd looks on in disgust. Carol comes running in holding a paper bag and tells them that they have company.

 

Erica asks who the company is and Carol says that she didn’t see them, but she says all the proof she needed was in the bag. Inside the bag is a bowel movement. Carol asks if they want to know the weirdest part of it. Gail asks if that is because the bowel movement is on the dinner table. Carol tells them that it is fresh. Carol tells them she found it by the orange tree. Tandy tells them that it is not his “booty cigar.” Carol tells them that someone is out there. The group thinks it is Jasper’s.

 

Erica catches Todd snooping in her dresser. He tells her he is doing inventory and questions how many tampons are in the box. Tandy walks in and Erica tells him that Todd was snooping. Todd says it has been two weeks and he was wondering. Tandy offers to help. Tandy says that breasts become sore when women have their period so he suggests she cups them and checks them out. Erica is horrified. Erica tells the she will be taking a pregnancy test and will let them know later. She flips out on Todd as Tandy suggests that maybe Erica is getting her period based upon her mood. She kicks them out.

 

Gail walks into the living room, past a lot of wind chimes. Carol says she is setting up a makeshift alarm with the wind chimes because she believes somebody is out there. Carol then sets off all the chimes.

 

Todd is pacing outside as Erica apologizes. Todd tells Erica that if she was trying to get pregnant he wouldn’t drink wine or coffee. Erica and Todd start fighting. He accuses her of not wanting the baby. Erica questions Todd’s parenting and says she may consider him as a sperm donor instead. Todd says he wants to be involved in the baby’s life. Erica suggests that maybe he shouldn’t put a baby in her.

 

Melissa walks into the living room. Erica asks if she is there to have a pillow fight. Melissa says she is there to check on her. Erica says that she needs a little space from both of them. Melissa apologizes and tells Erica she didn’t have a lot of girlfriends in her life. Melissa tells Erica that she is thankful for giving this a shot. Melissa then jokes that she wrote another poem.

 

Tandy is playing with a toy robot dog. Todd walks in and watches the robot dog. Todd tells Tandy the pregnancy test was negative. Tandy has the dog move over to Todd to comfort him. Todd tells Tandy that he and Erica had a fight. Tandy tells Todd that he won’t have a baby with Erica. Todd thanks him. Then, they kiss on the lips. Tandy reminds Todd that he is Erica’s only shot at having a baby. They high five and Todd leaves.

 

Jasper is sitting outside in front of a fire. The truck pulls up in front of him. A man in boots walks up to Jasper. He asks who he is.

 

Carol wakes up to the noise of the wind chimes. Tandy walks down the steps with a flash light. He calls out hello while hitting the wind chimes. He checks out the place and closes the French doors that are open.

 

Tandy wakes up in the morning. With his eyes closed he heads into the bathroom. He brushes his teeth. He stops and stares in shock in the mirror. As he turns it is visible that half his beard and hair have been shaved off. Tandy whispers, “Mike.”