The Royals – In the Dead Vast and Middle of the Night

By: Luke Joseph

Last week’s episode was filled with one game of Billiards, one chocolate fountain, one tyrant King and one “happy, happy, happy” Willow taking a trip on LSD.

Hen Parties, Stag Parties and Drugs Oh My!

Her wedding with Robert (Max Brown) is approaching faster than ever and as she prepares her “I do’s” Willow (Genevieve Gaunt) is also preparing for her test to be queen. Marrying the king and almost taking on the title of queen can be stressful, but thankfully Eleanor (Alexandra Park) knows how to cure that stress – a personal spa day and a fountain filled with chocolate. It sounds like a dream come true, but thanks to Cassandra (who masquerades as Willow’s masseuse) that dream is about to turn into a nightmare. “Careful, the drugs I put in that oil are fairly fast acting. Enjoy the ride and your unavoidable concerns tomorrow,” Cassandra smugly states. Yup, this woman is awful with handling rejection. What once was a friend now turned foe will doing anything in her power to sabotage Willow.

Stag parties are known for the groom to get rowdy and celebrate with friends. Things do get rowdy eventually, but his friends aren’t present. It’s aristocrats Liam (William Moseley) and Jasper (Tom Austen). Oh, also add in Cyrus (Jake Maskall) who decided to show up after being exiled and though Robert is completely against it Liam steps in using Robert’s own words against him. “You also told me that nothing is more important than family,” Liam reasons. “When he steps out of line you deal with it. Otherwise, you’re both gone,” Robert warns. “Enjoy your night old man then back to exile you go,” he smugly states.

Rack Them Up

Billiards is meant to be a fun game, but things get tense when Robert challenges Jasper to a match. The king makes his distaste for Jasper known to those around him. With each shot that he takes he takes a shot at Jasper.  “Perhaps I was simply toying with you. Giving you false hope. Making you comfortable only to crush you. In front of everyone who actually earned their title.” The king is confident but falls short of making the shot which results to Jasper now being up. Liam had advised Jasper to win, but since when has Jasper ever been one to listen? “Perhaps I was toying with you. Letting you get cocky. Giving you false hope. Letting your natural arrogance blind you to the con so I could crush you,” Jasper says lining up for his final shot. “In front of people who haven’t earned shi%,” he fires back and sinks the ball into the pocket. Though Robert’s mask never slips everyone can tell he isn’t pleased.

Hide and Seek

“You know more about drugs than a chemist,” Helena (Elizabeth Hurley) notes to her daughter Eleanor. Once upon a time Eleanor had been more than familiar with her fair share of drugs and because of it she’s been assigned babysitting duty. There’s an irony to all of this. The princess who used to be the one needing to be babysat is now the babysitter and she’s quick to learn it can be quite the daunting task. She briefs Willow in LSD 101 telling her to stay calm and think happy thoughts, which results in Eleanor playing some music to lighten the mood drawing Willow to dance. Robin Hood makes an appearance when Eleanor realizes that Willow is on fire and immediately extinguishes the flames. However, while doing so, it’s enough for Willow to make her escape drawing Eleanor to chase after her. Thankfully, with a sheet on her head looking like ET dressed as a ghost, her playtime in the tunnels comes to an end when she knocks herself out.

While Willow sleeps it off Eleanor and Helena have a brief chat to catch up with each other. “It’s better isn’t it not keeping secrets from each other,” confessing to her mother on how she’s the Robin Hood. Eleanor had been honest with her mom, but will she return the favor? Nope. Helena is keeping the fact that she shagged Sebastian (Toby Sandeman) a secret.

The high seems to come down when Willow wakes up alert and Eleanor gives her a quick briefing on what’s happened during her drug trip. Willow is absolutely horrified at what she learns but her nightmare isn’t over yet because she’s still riding that high and later dunks Cassandra into the chocolate fountain only to find out it was actually Queen Helena. Yeah, that’s awkward.

Long Live the King

“Centuries ago, the king relied on his noblemen to maintain order and stability across his kingdom, a territorial cadence. Once I have a system of governance in place, each of you will have a share of my reign,” Robert proclaimed to his closest confidants after rudely dismissing Jasper. Cyrus is quick to point out that ironically there is an empty seat right next to the ling. “The seat to my right remains empty to be filled by my most trusted left tenant. You are all good men, but only one of you may occupy this seat,” he reveals to the group. Finding that he’s done humoring his uncle he dismisses him back to exile, but Cyrus still has something to say before taking his leave.

“What happens when Adolf junior decides to change the rules? When he wants what you have? When you disagree with him? Parliament protects you. The house of lords affords you a voice, not this asshole. I know because I was that asshole. Stand with me. Push back. Hell, someone kill this arrogant son of a bitch before he tries to take over the world. The time for violence is now,” Cyrus declares. Too bad he doesn’t realize violence is about to show when Liam suddenly charges at him and delivers punches left and right. Eventually, he is pulled off and Robert places him in the empty seat rightfully beside him.

The Plan is in Motion

It’s been one wild ride for Willow and rather than sleeping in she’s forced to endure the final question. Even though she wants to hide from the world Eleanor offers her some sound advice, “If you quit now you’ll wake up one night and wonder what if,” and it’s enough for her to decide she’s ready to face what this day brings. “Why would you make a great queen?”  The question asked as fans prepare for Willow to say something Willow-like, but instead thanks to some tips from Eleanor she’s got a new boost of confidence and fire in her. “”Shi%, I don’t know. Some days I wonder if I’ll make a great anything or if I even have greatness inside of me. If you’re asking me if I care about being queen, if I take it seriously and try every day not to diminish who you’ve been and what you and centuries of queens before me have built, then the answer is yes, I would, and I will,” she ensured the counsel. “But with all due respect, what Robert thinks of me, how he sees me and how he feels about me, how I feel about myself, that’s more important than how all of you feel about me. I love your son. If I have to be a queen to be with him I will, and I’ll do the best I can.”

It looks like the alliance between Cyrus and Liam never ended and they even have two other members of Team Dethrone Robert. Aston, who Cyrus befriends at the embassy, has quite the story to tell that might be enough to take down the King. “I’m a bad person,” Kathryn (Christina Wolfe) repeats as she meets up with Liam who has a triumphant smile on his face. “But my girl is one very good liar. He doesn’t suspect a thing. We’re in,” he declares. Well, well. Robert has endlessly been playing everyone that he doesn’t realize he’s now being played.

There are just two episodes of “The Royals” left and we’re ready to see the royal smackdown!