The Walking Dead – Find Me

By: Kelly Kearney

After an entire season of Daryl trying to get through to a self-destructive Carol, this week’s episode delves deeper into their relationship through flashbacks of Daryl’s time living out in the woods. Over the course of 10 seasons, the bond between these two was unbreakable, but years of pain led Carol down a self-destructive path that put her friends in danger. Knowing Daryl would always pull her off the ledge of her pain, now she must face the consequences of her actions from not only the community, but to the one person whose meant the most to her. Prepare yourselves, The Walking Dead fans, because the fall out between these two comes on the heels of a surprising new person in Daryl’s life. One who reminds him of all he has lost and all he is still trying to keep.

Get On the Bike and Go

We open with Dog skidding down what we can only assume is Alexandria’s dirt road waiting for Daryl (Norman Reedus) to prep his motorcycle for a day of hunting. Behind him Carol (Melissa McBride) pops up just as Daryl is trying, and failing, to kickstart his bike. Carol, who loves to joke around with her favorite guy, tries to one up him with a little story about how strong her right foot is. It’s her way of reminding him that she is ready to help, even if his pride would never allow it. Daryl lets out a “woo” when the engine finally turns over and Carol is all smiles like she knew he could do it. Knowing her better than he knows himself, Daryl assumes she wants to tag along for the trip, and of course she does. She wants to hunt because what better way to get back on track after a full season of her ticking him off. Hopping on the bike behind him, she shoves a handwritten map into his backpack she found on the ground. Whatever the map is for, she knows it’s important to him. Daryl grunts and groans as bike peels away to the sounds of their bickering and bantering. The mood between the two is light and it might be the first happy moment we see between the two since Carol jumped off that boat. It’s a new day after an exceptionally long and dark few years, but like all things in this apocalyptic hellscape, good days rarely last. But first…Fishing! After trekking through the woods with Dog in tow, Carol follows Daryl closely; maybe too closely, as Dog alerts them to a possible venison dinner. Unfortunately, the dead found the deer first and now the hunters are questioning their luck and wondering if the river would be a better place to find food. You know that same river with the blown bridge where Daryl camped all those years looking for Rick? Yeah, that triggering place. He asks Carol if it’s ok with her and she agrees, but there is something in her eyes that feels like she isn’t sure he will be. She knows Daryl’s fight with that river and the endless and hopeless search he went on to find their friend. Is he ready to go back there? He seems to be, but there is a heavy tension filling the air between them and it isn’t because they can’t bag a deer. There isn’t much Carol doesn’t know about Daryl, or so she thinks anyway. But that river is filled deep with secrets and if she is not careful it might drown them both.

As they make their way to the next location, Carol starts hobbling on her “very strong right foot,” something Daryl cannot keep himself from joking about. Always one to hide her weakness behind her pride, she shrugs off his jokes by changing the subject to fishing. They haven’t had much luck on land, might as well find dinner in the river. “I haven’t spear fished in years,” she says as she takes his spear along with his doubt and stabs herself a fish on the first try. “Beginners luck,” Daryl says, like he is not impressed. And she laughs and brags because most healthy friendships manage to combine the two with a little added dash of gloating. Gone is the brooding darkness that consumed her and in its place is a smile brighter than she has ever wore. Normally Daryl would be happy to see her this way, but something is keeping him from joining in her glee. Those bright blue skies fade to darkness when Carol gets serious and asks Daryl if “our luck’s run out.” She’s worried about what comes next because something always comes next. They barely saved Alexandria; can the community survive another attack? The dead always catch up to them but now things are different. Alexandria isn’t the same since Rick and even less so since Michonne left. Her worries make it seem like she is on the verge of giving up again because losing people tends to make Carol jump, whether it’s onto a boat or off a cliff. And after spending months chasing and begging her to realize their future was worth fighting for, even in the face of losing it again, Daryl is tired of arguing about this. The dead won’t catch up to them like Carol fears because Daryl won’t let it. Their talk gets interrupted by Dog who takes off into the woods and leads them to a cabin. The sight of this dilapidated structure has an instant effect on Daryl, as if he has been there before. A flash. A memory. A woman hugging Dog on the porch. Life existed in this home before it had been left for the dead. What is this place and who was that woman?

The Past Meets the Present

Not noticing his mood change, Carol goes about the cabin readying it for the night. Daryl hears her but his focus is on a cross marking a grave outside one of the cabin’s windows. Whoever was buried in that dirt must be tied to that mystery woman and now to Daryl!

A flashback to five years prior and Daryl is camping by the river and searching for Rick. Not far in the distance he hears the yapping sounds of a puppy and out bounces a frolicking young Dog! The pup leaps into Daryl’s arms and starts tongue bathing his face. They have an immediate connection and then Dog is off to places unknown.  We see Daryl back at camp mapping out the river for his search when Carol stops by to check up on him. Her hair is half grown out; her smile is nowhere to be found; worry graces her face like a permanent tattoo. She updates him on the goings on at the communities and brings him a backpack of supplies. He has been out in these woods for two years and Carol hints that it might be time to come home. She knows her friend, so she is not surprised when he tells her he cannot quit until he finishes this. “Be careful,” she says, “I will” Daryl replies, and then jumps right into some zombie head smashing that looks nothing like the promise he made to her. His search for Rick is exhausting and only made worse by torrential rains that come whipping through his makeshift camp. The storm destroys his tracking maps and everything he spent years working on are swept away in the rising tides. Frustrated, alone, and drenched, he screams at the storm, rages at the dead, but in the end, is left broken by his failure to find Rick.

Cut to one year later and the rains did not force Daryl out of the woods. He is back on his search when he spots a grown Dog and follows him back to a cabin. The sounds of the dead are clamoring around the home, so he flies through the door killing the first walker he sees. He barely catches his breath before a woman (Lynn Collins) comes bursting through the door, lobs a walker arm at him like a grenade and aims a shotgun at his head. She ties him to a chair demanding to know who Daryl is and what he wants. Under the fringe of his hair he tells her his name and how he was only trying to help. It is obvious this woman doesn’t need his help and she lets him know it when she cuts him free. He is no threat, she can see that, but if he ever comes back, she will be. As he turns to leave he asks her name, but she refuses to give it up. She is a loner just like him and plans to stay that way.

Six months later Dog visits him at camp again, but this time he risks it and escorts the furry visitor back home where the grateful woman is far more welcoming. She thanks him and tells Daryl her barking companion’s name is Dog. “At least he won’t forget what he is,” Daryl jokes and that is when she notices a cut on his head. She tells him that living out in the woods alone is not for everyone. He shrugs off her concern and says the dead always catch up to them anyway. She disagrees and mimics what he told Carol “only if you let it.” The two run into each other again when eight months later Leah saves Daryl from a walker attack. For her efforts Daryl yells at her to stay away from his camp. She hears him and as she walks away she hollers back, “My name is Leah.” Three months later in either an attempt to apologize for being a jerk, or maybe a really strange request for a date, Daryl throws a fish at her door and gets no response. Smooth move, Dixon. Carol was right. He has been out on those woods too long. Later, Leah returns the gesture by tossing a fish at the back of his head and reminding him that she doesn’t need a man to catch her fish. She is just as capable as he is, and boy, this female power dynamic sure is familiar. They bicker some until she invites him to her cabin to warm up his frostbitten fingers. Later that night the two get to know each other without the added bonus of another fish assault. With tears in her eyes, Leah talks about her son Matthew who was born of her survivor sister she fought alongside with after the turn. When the dead caught up to them, she promised to protect Matthew as well as her pregnant dog. The day her son was bit Dog was born and she has not seen anyone since she buried him in that cross grave. Feeling compelled to explain why he has been living by the river, Daryl tells her he lost his brother and he has been looking for him ever since. These two broken loners bond over their losses and a new friendship is born. Soon enough we see Daryl and Leah spear fishing and, like Carol, she nabs her meal in the first shot. “Beginners luck,” he says as we watch their friendship quickly blossom into a romance, but the pull to the river never leaves Daryl’s heart. This new love has complicated things, especially when Leah tests his loyalty to Rick and his family back home. She demands he choose between their relationship and his family, which seems like a toxic request when Alexandria and the river are not far from the cabin. When Daryl hesitates to choose, Leah takes that as a no and storms off. He heads back to the camp and months go by before Carol shows up with some good and bad news. The good being she brought him a scarf so he would not freeze. The bad is written all over her pained face. She won’t be visiting again for a while. Henry and the King need her and, from the sounds of things, the thought of it all exhausts her. Daryl immediately gets defensive and says, “Are you asking for my permission?” Weird flex for a friend, but Carol retorts with an awkward “no” she doesn’t want to lose him out in the woods. Maybe not the woods, but she could lose him to that cabin. And since she left to go raise Henry with the King, she really would not have any room to complain. She wants Daryl to find happiness, something she is trying to find for herself, but it cannot be found until he comes back home. Her continued efforts to drag him back from the edge is exactly what he tried to do with her and Alpha. They are each other’s lifelines.

After some time Daryl makes his way back to the cabin to tell Leah he made a mistake. Everyone went on with their lives, maybe it is time he got on with his. Only, when he goes inside, he finds Dog alone and Leah nowhere to be found. She took everything with her, even the photo of Matthew she kept hidden beneath the floorboards. Daryl missed his opportunity to find his own happiness because he was too busy trying to make sure everyone else got theirs. That is who he has always been, from the moment he went out to search for Sophia, Daryl puts his loved ones above all else. He sticks a note beneath the floorboards that contains a map to his new camp and the message “I belong with you. Find me.”

I Know Where I Belong

Back to the present and Carol quietly listens to Daryl tell her the part of this story he kept from her. She knew about Leah but didn’t know the depths of their relationship. When she finds the note hidden under a loose floorboard things start to sink in. She asks Daryl if Leah is dead or if she left on her own and that truth cuts him deep, especially since running is Carol’s go-to way of handling things too painful to face. He unleashes an anger he has been holding in for a long time when Carol mentions Connie. “That’s on you,” he says about Connie’s possible death and Carol chokes out an apology but refuses to admit she was wrong about killing Alpha. His anger catches her off guard as he mashes his painful memories of Leah, his loss of new friend Connie, and his loyalty to his friendship with Carol. He accuses her of still wanting to run and thinks she never should have stepped off that boat. If she wants to run again (and everything she said down by the river makes him think she does) then he won’t stop her. Almost like the ultimatum Leah gave him, he shouts at Carol, “I know where I belong,” and a silent “do you” hangs heavy in the air between them. With their people It is where he was always meant to be. The ones they fought alongside and the ones helping to build that future he kept telling her to trust was real. The cracks caused by Alpha and the loss of Connie spread into caverns that even Carol isn’t sure they can climb out of. She was worried about their luck running out, but she never dreamed that meant between him and her.