UnREAL – War

By starrymag | June 9, 2016

By: Taylor Gates

 

UnREAL is back with a bang…literally.

 

Quinn (Constance Zimmer) and Rachel (Shiri Appleby) are off to Vegas to shmooze executives into letting them cast the first black suitor in Everlasting history, do some hard drugs, and of course, screw some hot guys. In order to remind them of their mission, they get “money, dick, power” tattooed on their wrists before road trippin’ it to Nevada to party it up.

 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Patagonia Chet (Craig Bierko) looks like he’s training for The Hunger Games. He stands shirtless while a fellow member of his tribe marks his face with the blood of a deer he killed. He tells Chet that he is a chieftain now and it is time to get his kingdom back.

 

The morning after Quinn and Rachel’s wild night isn’t going as well as planned. Quinn talks on the phone with network president Gary (Christopher Cousins), who’s concerned about the fact they have a black suitor who is also involved in a media scandal, having called a reporter a bitch in an interview. Quinn tries to assuage him, saying he’s “not that black—he’s football black,” plus, the scandal has been blown way out of proportion and taken out of context.

 

Quinn promises Gary they’ll draw in 20 million viewers with the combination of interracial relationships and inter-contestant drama. After all, they have a hot racist, black activist, a clergy and a terrorist, just to name a few. Gary relents, letting Quinn go on as planned, but he warns that it’s her ass on the line. Once Quinn is off the phone, Rachel tells her she’s confused, as the show has already been cast and they don’t have all of those contestants lined up. Quinn goes all Tim Gunn and tells Rachel to “make it work.”

 

Rachel is in the limo on the way to the “Everlasting” mansion with new suitor Darius (B.J. Britt) and manager Romeo (Gentry White). Darius is not too thrilled upon hearing the news he’ll be on camera 24 hours a day. He asks Romeo what he got him into before slipping on his headphones like an angsty teenager.

 

Quinn calls Rachel, doubting herself and panicking due to her conversation with Gary. Rachel promises she’s got it all under control, though Quinn doesn’t seem fully convinced. Rachel tells Romeo to shoo off his unwelcome friends before climbing back into the limo for some real talk with Darius.

 

Darius is not too enthused about being on a reality show, as he should be Cabo enjoying his offseason. Rachel tells him Cabo wouldn’t fix his PR problem. Darius begins to argue, but Rachel cuts him off, saying she sympathizes with him—the reporter obviously tried to bait him; anybody would have snapped.

 

Darius tells her that he’s not just anybody. He’s the first black quarterback on his team and now the first black suitor—everybody has eyes on him, and the rules have always been different for him because of his race. Darius admits he’s frustrated with himself. He kept his nose clean for so long and screwed it all up by doing something stupid like this. Rachel says that one mistake doesn’t define him; after all, she came back from her whole “this job is satan’s asshole” meltdown and is now running the show. Rachel tells him not to be so cynical and keep an open mind about finding love.

 

Dr. Wagerstein (Amy Hill) corners Rachel on the way to set, explaining she needs a healing nook built for her own on-air segments. Rachel, annoyed she got the gig by blackmailing Quinn, shortly tells her to put in a formal request. Dr. Wagerstein informs her that Jeremy (Josh Kelly) has been talking to Rachel’s mom again; the two think she’s having a hypersexual manic episode. “I’m not manic. I’m changing the world,” Rachel says before stomping off to confront her ex-boyfriend. Jeremy tells Rachel he’s willing to testify to the fact that Rachel is a threat to herself and others. He’s only worried about the others, though. Although he’s fairly certain Rachel will hurt herself, he doesn’t care. Rachel, obviously wounded by this, asks Jeremy why he even came back. Jeremy says this is his job, and he’s not a pussy who will quit just because of Rachel.

 

Quinn storms onto the set, grabbing a walkie-talkie and barking orders just like old times on the way to the control room. She sits down next to Rachel who is watching Jay (Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman) interview potential wifey Tiffany (Kim Matula). Tiffany insists she doesn’t want to talk about her football team owning father, causing Quinn to wonder if the guy is a pedophile. Rachel also shows Quinn Beth Ann (Lindsay Musli), a wearer of confederate flag bikinis, London (Sunita Prasad) who may or may not have distant ties to Osama Bin Laden, and Ruby (Denee Benton), a black activist. Jay comes into the room apologizing, saying he couldn’t get Ruby to commit to the full nine weeks as it’s her last semester of college. Quinn demands that they get Ruby to the mansion by tomorrow while she goes to call Brad.

 

Once Quinn leaves the room, Jay unleashes his true thoughts about Rachel and Quinn’s relationship, comparing Rachel to a battered wife staying with her abusive husband. After all, Quinn did derail her happily ever after with Adam last season. Rachel quickly turns on him, asserting her new authority as showrunner. She demands to know why he couldn’t seal the deal with Ruby. Jay says derailing a strong black woman’s education would be crossing the line for him. Rachel threateningly says they’re making such a statement with a black suitor this season, she doesn’t mind sacrificing a few people along the way.

 

Rachel goes to Berkley in order to talk to Ruby. She tries to coax her into going on the show, saying “Everlasting” will give her a huge platform for talking about the issues she cares about. Ruby isn’t so easily swayed, saying black girls only stay around for a few episodes on that show and don’t get any airtime. Rachel lets her know the suitor is black this season, also citing the fact that shows about MTV caused the teen birthrate to go down and “The Real World” started the gay rights movements. “But television is a super useless medium for change,” she says sarcastically, beginning to walk away. She calls Jay, letting him know Ruby is in.

 

While Quinn is mumbling to herself about how her office smells like ass, someone opens the door. It’s Chet sans 50 pounds, much to Quinn’s surprise and dismay. Chet announces that he has been on a Paleolithic lifestyle retreat for the past six months where he learned that it is natural for men to have a purpose whereas a woman’s job is to sit back and be adored. Chet says he’s ready to take back his kingdom now that he is a chieftain. Quinn is not having it. She declares herself “queen of the freaking fairies” and promptly kicks Chet out of her office. Chet leaves, spying an unhappy looking Darius and Romeo. He tells them to let him help them out, sabotaging and undermining Quinn and Rachel’s authority.

 

Jeremy goes into the control room, whispering with Jay about the kill list. They explain to Madison (Genevieve Buechner) that the kill list is the names of all the girls getting cut so the cameramen know who they can sleep with. Rachel overhears them talking, annoyed that they’re not paying attention to her orders. Jeremy decides to rile her up, saying he has dibs on Yael (Monica Barbaro), or as he likes to call her “Hot Rachel.” He rubs salt in the wound saying that, unlike Rachel, she’s also not crazy and showers from time to time. Quinn warns Jeremy that he’s said enough. He leaves, satisfied he managed to shake her up.

 

Rachel’s eyes fill with tears as she speed walks outside, muttering about how she’s going to fire Jeremy. Quinn follows her, stopping her from getting too far. She says that, while Jeremy is a dick, she can’t fire him because that would be a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. Plus, if they fired everyone they slept with, they wouldn’t have a crew. Rachel reluctantly sucks it up and goes back to running the show.

 

Madison checks in with all the girls settling into their rooms. Still fresh into her role as a producer, she promises Beth Ann (confederate flag bikini girl) that she’ll try to get her out of rooming with Chantal (Meagan Tandy), a black debutant. Rachel goes to the camera crew’s trailer, demanding to know who was asking for the kill list. It was the focus-puller and she fires him on the spot because “being a sexist man-baby has consequences” on her set. The show being out of focus is only going to make them look like a bunch of incompetent cameramen.

 

Madison joins Rachel in the control room, asking if it would be okay to move Beth Ann to another room. Rachel laughs at her naivety, saying they’re not camp counsellors—they don’t solve cameras, they point cameras at them. Rachel tells Madison to use the fact that Chantal’s fiancée died in a car accident to gain her sympathy points and make Beth Ann look like a dick for not wanting to room with her. Madison is hesitant, as she doesn’t think Chantal will want to talk about something so painful. Rachel rolls her eyes, telling Madison to tell her that her own mother died or something. Madison admits her mom did actually die, which Rachel thinks it perfect.

 

Jay is disgusted at Rachel’s behavior, but quickly shuts his mouth since he wants to keep his job. He is ordered to get an interview of Beth Ann talking trash about Chantal. Quinn joins Rachel, handing her a drink. They toast to booze and fancy clothes, bonding over the fact that being the boss sucks.

 

Rachel watches Madison interview Chantal on the monitor, quickly deeming that Madison is wasting her time. She’s about to go out and conduct the interview herself when Quinn stops her. She says Madison will never learn anything unless Rachel delegates and teaches her; Rachel is in charge of everything on the monitor now, not just getting one girl to cry. Rachel harshly talks Madison through the interview, finally getting Chantal to admit she was driving the car in the crash that killed her fiancée. Madison in already on the verge of tears when Rachel commands her to ask Chantal if she killed him. Chantal, outraged by the accusation, asks how Madison could even say that. Madison bursts into tears, telling Chantal about how much she misses her mother who just died of a heart attack. Rachel tells her to stop crying and ask Chantal if she’ll ever love again. Chantal responds that she will love again or die trying, which Quinn thinks would make the perfect promo line. Chantal rips off her mic and walks away. Madison gets up from her chair and pukes. Jeremy tells Madison he’s sorry that Rachel made her do that, but Madison smiles, declaring that she feels amazing.

 

London is refusing to wear a headscarf, as she’s never worn one in her life and women are fighting and dying for their right not to wear one. Rachel and Quinn tell Jay he has to convince her to wear it since they promised the network a terrorist and the audience won’t get that if she doesn’t look the part. Quinn compliments Rachel on everything looking like a real TV show, the control room jokes about Graham’s (Brennan Elliot) fake-tanned balls and Dr. Wagerstein is offended by every word spoken.

 

Graham welcomes everyone to Season 14 of everlasting, announcing that this season the suitor is more wealthy, handsome and well-known than ever. He opens the door to the limo to reveal the suitor, but it’s empty. A phone left in the limo starts ringing and Graham answers it. The control room goes into full panic mood with Rachel desperately yelling “cut!” Quinn grabs the phone out of Graham’s hands and hears Chet taunting her on the other side. She scolds Rachel for letting Darius out of her sight, but Rachel insists she had Madison keeping an eye on him. Rachel suggests they just push production one day, but Quinn yells at her to get in the car—they’re going to get their suitor back.

 

When they get to the party—attended by Gary, Chet, Darius and Romeo—Quinn ambushes Chet. Chet says he’s just fighting like a man like Quinn wanted to so Quinn says that all Chet has going for him is Darius; she still has the girls and the fact that she knows how to weave a story into television drama. Chet says he’s been thinking about Everlasting’s cultural legacy, and he wants it to be one of masculinity.

 

Rachel talks to Romeo, who she thought had her back. Romeo says Chet and the network President offered them better stuff such as private accommodations, their cell phones and a three-year pay-or-play sports casting deal. Quinn decides to compromise with Chet, saying if he brings Darius to the mansion, she’ll ditch the evening gowns and have all the girls poolside in bikinis. Chet agrees, but he promises this isn’t over. Quinn and Rachel walk back to the car, Quinn informing Rachel that Chet just declared war.

 

Quinn struts through the dressing room, making one contestant cover up her tattoo and forcing Rachel to find Ruby a two-piece swimsuit and some sexier underwear. Yael says she has something that would look great on Ruby. Quinn is delighted by this and the fact that she’s finally meeting Hot Rachel in the flesh.

 

Rachel asks Quinn how anyone is ever going to take her seriously as a show runner if Quinn follows her around everywhere. Quinn throws the fact that Chet stole Darius in her face. Rachel gets angry at Quinn insinuating that she’s incompetent, and Quinn softens a bit, telling Rachel that she needs Chet dead forever. She promises she’ll hand the show back to her once she steers them past them past this trainwreck, but Rachel isn’t so sure she believes her.