What We Do in the Shadows – The Mall

By: Gladys Luna

Laszlo (Matt Berry) talks about his suspicions that there seems to be something wrong with Guillermo (Harvey Guillén) since he has been acting weird recently. Although he doesn’t know what he is hiding, he is determined to figure it out. Later, everyone is called to an impromptu meeting by Guillermo given that he considers the vampires have been acting recklessly in the recent days. Nandor (Kayvan Novak) sees his frustration and speaks for him asking the others to give him the chance to say what he needs to. It seems Nandor  has been reading a book found in Laszlo’s library called I’m Ok, You’re Ok and has made the decision to put it into practice. On the other hand, Laszlo believes that the reason they were called to this reunion was because of his sexual practices but he assures them that he has taken the necessary tests to make sure everything is alright. It is here when Guillermo corrects him saying that taking the “Which Sex and The City Character Are You?” test is not meant for that purpose. Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) is not really open for talking but has to be there nonetheless. Guillermo interrupts the nonsense conversation that has been growing in the room and tells them they need to speak again about “vampire safety” since they haven’t been exactly careful by covering themselves while in public. As an example, we are taken to a moment where he and Nandor went to a basketball game and when Nandor slips his way to solve this is to steal a microphone, stand in the middle of the court and try to hypnotize everyone in order to make them forget what they saw. Guillermo believes the use of their powers in public have gotten a little out of hand and that might lead them to a more dangerous situation. However, the group agrees that the man is just overreacting and that he might never understand them given that he is not a vampire, something that makes him feel uncomfortable. Everyone there starts to laugh at him and his suggestions so he decides to leave the room and asks for the crew to give him a minute to be on his own – something they do not do. Feeling the situation is outgrowing him he decides to confess the truth about what he has been hiding and it turns out that sixteen days ago he requested for Derek’s (Chris Sandiford) assistance to turn him into a vampire. In order to do this they went to the stockroom at Derek’s work and after a number of failed attempts to finally bite Guillermo he is eventually able to do it just at the moment when Guillermo regretted deciding to do it. Blood starts to sprout out of Guillermo’s neck and soon it is splattered all over the floor and boxes nearby, much to the incredulous and terrified look of Derek who says seeing blood is a problem for him. Guillermo asked the vampire to let him bite him so the whole thing could be completed but Derek was too scared to let him do it. Therefore, Guillermo tries to bite his arm but the skin is too thick to be broken. Derek suggests to make a cut and bite him, which ends up making the vampire to pass out when seeing the cut. Guillermo faints too but after a few minutes both woke up except one of them was no longer the same. While Guillermo is reminiscing on all of this and telling his story to the crew, Nandor breaks in the room asking him about what he is doing there. The man lies saying that he was showing the vampire’s sound machine. Nandor gets a little caught up in the moment explaining about the different sounds it plays but then he tells Guillermo that he and the group know the reason of his behavior and they have come up to the conclusion that he’s been like that because it’s his birthday and they had totally missed it. Therefore, as a way to make it up to him, they extend him an invitation for dinner at the restaurant where Colin (Mark Proksch) is currently working as a waiter.

At the restaurant we see Colin trying to steal the energy of every single customer he interacts with while making a terrible job as a server. Finally, he attends his vampire friends table and takes their order even though he knows that regardless of what they request they won’t be able to eat it. While they are waiting for the “birthday man” they discuss about what might be going on with him then they get distracted off the topic when Nadja takes Dolly (Natasia Demetriou) from beneath the table asking her if she’d like to join them for dinner. However, Dolly does not seem to be in the mood to be there with them. Nadja explains that one night she got so drunk with liquor blood that she had accidentally sat on Dolly’s legs which broke them. So, now she hates her for that. Also, Colin tried to help and fix her lower body but ended up just making it so much worse as they press a btton on Dolly and she begins to sing and dance. The group goes back to their conversation about Guillermo’s behavior and ponder on the different possibilities on why he’s acting that way. Nandor considers the chance for him to turn into a vampire but none of them believe it to be possible and laugh hysterically at it.

Guillermo finally makes it to the restaurant where the group is still laughing at Nandor’s comment making him feel uncomfortable again. However, his master is so sure that this won’t happen until the time is right. Guillermo makes a comment about a hypothetical situation where he didn’t wait for the right time and just went and found someone else to help him to take care of that matter. This makes the whole table to fall into a full silence that is only broken by Nadja saying that such thing is no longer a laughing matter. Nandor explains that if he would do that then he would have to kill him and then kill himself given that it would be such a dishonor for the family. This realization leaves Guillermo feeling terrified.

Later that night the group leaves the restaurant and wave their goodbyes to Guillermo promising they will be more careful about his public appearances from now on. The man says that he’ll see them at the house, but before he has to make a stop at the mall something that draws the group’s attention making them to stay and go with him. Once at the mall he leads them to a bench and asks them to wait for him there while he goes to buy a footlocker. However, as soon as he turns his back on them they leave. Nandor takes the opportunity and attempts to buy a Shrek t-shirt by using some old coupons and photos of Ryan Seacrest while Nadja goes to a teddy bear workshop trying to get some new legs for Dolly. As for Laszlo, he is very much aware of Guillermo’s every movement as he has decided to follow him and that is how he sees the man going to an optical shop where he has decided to take a new eyes exam. While he waits for his results he tells the crew that he believed that turning into a vampire would be a fast transition, but it has been sixteen days and things haven’t changed that much except for his ravenous appetite for raw meat. Right that moment the Optometrist (Alison Deon) calls for him and lets him know that his vision is beyond perfect so he won’t need to use any type of glasses anymore. This revelation leaves Guillermo completely astounded, but he asks for the woman’s help to make him a new pair of glasses without prescription saying that he won’t like for people thinking he looks different. While he does all this Laszlo watches him from afar but manages to hide before Guillermo could sense him turning back in his direction.

Back at the vampires’ residence while Nandor prepares for bed he asks Guillermo if he had enjoyed his birthday and the man apologizes for not being at his best. He then  tries to pick up on the fact that Nandor would have to kill him if he were turned into a vampire by someone else but the master does not feel like talking about those heavy topics before bed. He goes to his coffin, but before asking Guillermo to close it he tells him that he got it the footlocker he was looking for as a birthday gift. Later, Guillermo takes his gift and gets in it while saying that being a vampire is not so different from being a human after all.