Younger – The Jade Crusade

By starrymag | January 28, 2016

By: Taylor Gates

 

This episode starts off with Liza (Sutton Foster) getting a literal rude awakening, as the sound of Maggie (Debi Mazar) and Lauren (Molly Bernard) having morning sex wakes her up. Lauren tells Maggie that she’s never been this sexually in-sync with someone before, not taking Maggie’s not-so-subtle hint that she would like to have a little post-coital quiet cuddling time. Lauren reveals that, since she feels so strongly about Maggie, she has decided she is ready to be gender monogamous. She explains to a confused Maggie that this means she will be the only woman that she sleeps with from now on.

 

Maggie says, while she’s flattered, at her age she should be keeping her options open. Lauren protests, asking why she would need to see other women when she has all the woman she needs with Maggie. Maggie goes on to tell Lauren that she reminds her of herself when she was that age—always madly in love with the wrong person. She advises Lauren to start protecting her heart, but Lauren implies that she’s being hypocritical upon spying a tattoo that says Belinda on her ribs. She asks Maggie if she and Belinda were deeply in love, but Maggie stays silent on the subject.

 

Lauren gets up and starts getting dressed, telling her it’s okay if she’s not ready to talk about Belinda because she’s a very patient person. She says she can tell her about Belinda later that night over dinner. Maggie says she has to work late so Lauren decides that they will just meet up for drinks instead. “Do you ever take no for an answer?” Maggie asks, laughing. “No,” Lauren smiles before giving her one last goodbye kiss. These two are a strange couple for sure, yet somehow they make perfect sense together and are pretty darn adorable. I definitely ship it.

 

The next day at the office, Liza compliments Kelsey (Hilary Duff) on her outfit, assuring Kelsey it doesn’t look like she’s trying too hard. She asks Kelsey if she’s nervous about their meeting with Jade Winslow (Justine Lupe). Kelsey says of course she’s nervous because she believes Jade would be the perfect first author for them—her fashion blogs get more hits than every Buzzfeed list combined and she could make or break any new designer at only age 25.

 

Their conversation is interrupted by Diana (Miriam Shor) yelling for Liza. Liza promises Kelsey that she’ll try to get away quickly so they can continue their discussion. Diana tells Liza that she needs her to schedule her a manicure, pedicure and full wax, as she will be introducing Charles (Peter Hermann) with his prestigious Oprah award for his charity work at the Women in Literature Charity Honors.

 

Kelsey knocks on Diana’s door, announcing that Jade Winslow is here and she could really use Liza’s presence at their meeting. Diana is unpersuaded, saying that Liza is busy right now. In order to suck up, Kelsey says that she’d really like to have Diana at the meeting too, as her wisdom and expertise could prove extremely helpful in swaying Jade to sign a deal with them. At first Diana puts on a front, asking if she looks like she’s made of time, but eventually relents, not being able to resist someone groveling for her.

 

Liza and Kelsey greet Jade’s agent (Michael Urie), who is supposedly the best in the biz. Jade wraps up a Twitter feud before laying out the plans for her book. She says that her book will “do to the meatpacking district what the jungle did to the meat industry.” She promises that she will call out any and every fake person she’s encountered in the fashion industry and she won’t hold back or disguise who she’s talking about either. Kelsey and Liza shoot her some terrified looking smiles. Jade tells them not to worry about libel because both pairs of her lips don’t lie. “That’s quite the vagina monologue,” Diana says under her breath. Jade calls her out for the comment before insulting her Ann Taylor turtleneck and boots.

 

Kelsey tries to steer the conversation back to the book, saying that Millennial is the perfect place for her considering their social media expertise and youth-based promotional work. She wants to discuss some marketing strategies, but Jade cuts her off saying she doesn’t want to talk marketing—she just wants to know why Empirical should get her and her book. She then whispers something to her agent before getting up and strutting out of the office.

 

Kelsey tells Jade’s agent that she desperately wants this book and the agent informs her that everyone does. There’s a bidding war, and if they want a chance, they’re going to have to bid sky high. Kelsey tells Liza that she’s positive this book will be a bestseller and thinks they should go all in. A distracted Diana sees something on her phone, curses and runs out of the room.

 

Liza follows Diana to her office, asking what’s going on. Diana tells her to shut the door before displaying the offending article on her computer. A couple of news sources have apparently picked up a story with an accompanying picture about Charles’ package being rather visible during a company baseball game. Charles comes in their office, embarrassed, struggling to explain the situation. Diana and Liza promise that they’ll find a way to take the picture down.

 

Liza meets up with Lauren, who is helping her figure out how to get the pictures offline in exchange for Liza putting in a good word for her with Maggie. The owner of one of the sites owes her a favor, so she can get that one taken down, but the photo starts popping up on more and more websites. People even start calling it the Empiricanda, which both Liza and Lauren agree is an accurate name.

 

Liza catches Maggie up on the situation, and upon looking at the picture, Maggie doesn’t understand how Charles walks, runs the bases or even needs a bat considering the size of his number. Liza gets nostalgic for the days you could take a picture without fear it would be posted online and potentially remain there forever. Maggie reminds her that’s what polaroids are for.

 

Liza sees that Maggie is on a Facebook-type website. Liza says that she thought Maggie didn’t go on that anymore, but Maggie admits she keeps a secret account to look at old flames. Right now she’s spying on Belinda and wondering what happened to her. All of her pictures look like the ones that come with picture frames, just like Liza’s right before the divorce.

 

Liza says that she could get Josh to cover up her Belinda tattoo with something else, but Maggie says she doesn’t want to. She reveals that, while Belinda almost destroyed her, she wears her name like a badge of honor. She says that Belinda was the kind of person afraid of living the life she wanted to live—she used to be an amazing artist, but now she’s taking family pictures on a log in matching denim: stuck in pumpkin spice hell.

 

Back at Empirical, Liza tells Diana that she has successfully removed all the Empiricanda posts from the internet and that she’ll keep checking to make sure no more crop up.

 

Kelsey tells Liza that she’s on the phone with Jade’s agent. The agent tells her that, while Jade likes that Imprint is run by young people, she’s afraid Kelsey is too basic and not enough fun to work with. He says that Jade wants to get to know both her and Liza in a more casual setting that night and tells them both to bring their boyfriends so the night isn’t a “taco truck.”

 

Kelsey, Liza and Thad (Dan Amboyer) all walk into a bar together to meet Jade. Kelsey is wearing a crop top and overalls, hoping to impress Jade with her knowledge of what’s trendy and fashionable. Jade stops making out with a heavily bearded guy to inform Kelsey that she just wrote a piece on how she wishes the overall trend would die, but Kelsey is making her reconsider her stance. A little.

 

Kelsey asks if anyone wants to go dancing, but Jade says it’s Tuesday, which means she’s hungover and out of drugs so somebody needs to get her some molly before she’s going to leave her seat. Jade spies Thad, complimenting Kelsey on having a hot boyfriend. She then asks where Josh is and Liza says that he’s on his way, wondering how Jade knows her boyfriend’s name. Jade says she must have mentioned it in conversation, but Liza doesn’t ever remembering doing that.

 

Thad and Kelsey go dance, but Jade says she’s not drunk enough yet so she and Liza stay at the table. Liza asks Jade if she’s worried about pissing people off with her book. Jade says she’s not at all worried, but excited, explaining that the fashion industry is deeply flawed in the way they portray and think about beauty and age.

 

Josh (Nico Tortorella) joins them at the bar and Jade immediately throws a drink in his face. “I have been waiting forever to do that,” she announces to a now soaked Josh and shocked Liza. “Sayonara, bitches,” she says, exiting the bar. Thad tells Kelsey she doesn’t think she’ll be getting that book.

 

Josh, Liza, Kelsey and Thad all sit down and discuss what’s going on. Josh says that he and Jade used to date and, while it was fun at first, Jade later revealed herself to be bat shit crazy. Even after he told her it was over, she would climb up his fire escape. (Josh clarifies that he means this in the literal sense, and is not using it as a euphemism for butt stuff.)

 

Finally, one day Jade took him to a fashion party and he made out with a model in order to prove to Jade that it was over. While Thad thinks this was a genius idea, Liza and Kelsey agree that it was disrespectful to Jade. They’re angry that they’re not going to get to sign her because of his past transgressions.

 

Diana tells Charles the good news—that she has successfully removed all the stories about his…situation, and now the first thing that comes up when people Google him is the story about his wife leaving him.

 

Kelsey tells Liza that they lost the book and Jade is planning on signing with HarperCollins. They agree that perhaps this was a blessing in disguise because Jade was insane, although they would still love to have her book. Liza gets an idea, asking Kelsey if she can figure out what time she’s signing with the other company.

 

Liza, Josh, and Kelsey all sit in a car parked outside HarperCollins. Her agent opens the door, and Josh pulls her inside, locking the door and apologizing for what he did. Jade isn’t impressed with his apology, but Liza tells her to accept it. She says that everyone has been the bad guy in a relationship before, Kelsey even admitting that in college she cheated on her boyfriend and slept with her professor. They start getting through to Jade and Jade admits that she and her friends did pee outside Josh’s tattoo studio after they broke up.

 

Jade tells Liza and Kelsey that they do seem pretty desperate. They agree, promising that they will always go to crazy lengths like these in order to help sell her book. They pour a few shots, getting ready to toast to Jade signing with Millennial, but Jade once again uses her drink to throw in Josh’s face. She says she’ll keep them all posted before getting out of the car. Josh, wet again, says that they both owe him big time.

 

At the Women in Literature Charity Honors, Jade’s agent informs Liza and Kelsey that Jade will be accepting their offer. They are ecstatic and the agent says that Jade will be tweeting out the news shortly. Liza and Kelsey both log onto Twitter and see that Jade already tweeted about it. However, she also attached the now infamous picture of Charles with it. Diana finds them and tells Liza to take it down, but Liza thinks it’s too late considering Rihanna already retweeted it.

 

Charles comes over to congratulate Liza and Kelsey on signing their first author and Liza cautiously asks if he’s seen the tweet. Charles is confused, but Diana tries to change the subject, distracting Charles by introducing him to Jennifer Wiener. Of course, with Charles’ situation on the brain, she mispronounces it wee-ner instead of wine-er, leading to a very uncomfortable encounter.

 

It’s clear Jade’s tweet couldn’t have come at a worse time. While Diana is introducing Charles to receive his award, everyone in the room is looking at their phone, viewing the picture of him. Sensing what’s going on, Charles awkwardly shifts in his seat.