Preacher – Fear Of The Lord

By: Kelly Kearney

“Heaven is empty, God is gone. We want you to take his place,” says Fiore, in what was quite possibly the ghastliest and grotesque “Preacher” to date. This week Jesse has a decision to make and his choice, whether or not to replace God or stay loyal to his creator, could have deadly outcomes for all of mankind. With Tulip and Cassidy keeping Humperdoo from the Grail the apocalypse is on hold, but the Grail won’t stop until they find the holy child. This means that time is ticking for Jesse to make his decision. Does he defy God and take the throne or refuse it at the cost of his friends and all living things on earth?

Tastes like Chicken…

In the beginning…Herr Starr (Pip Torrens) gets an upgrade thanks to some cavemen looking brothers who gave the disfigured Allfather a faucet where his dingo mangled manhood used to be. The new look is giving him flashbacks to his young and awkward years. Donning a blond bowl cut, Starr remembers a time when he was bullied by his peers over his good looks. His golden locks infuriated his fellow school chums so they stabbed him in the eye in hopes of sullying his perfect features. Waking in a frenzy from his jaunt down memory lane, Starr thanks his rescuers for all they did until he realizes he’s missing a leg and these do-gooders are eating him! Klaus Starr cannot catch a break. He almost died in the desert and when he’s lucky enough to get rescued it’s by cannibals using him for comfort food. Starr becomes enraged and orders the Neanderthal wannabes to drop the roast leg because his Grail friends are coming to kick their cannibal butts! On cue Featherstone (Julie Ann Emery) bursts in, shoots the cannibals dead and carries her beloved boss fireman style through the desert and to safety.  She is a woman of many skills and, apparently, stronger than an ox. Her dedication to The Grail is an unmatched as Jesse’s (Dominic Cooper) is to God (Mark Harelik).

The Preacher Goes To Hell…

Speaking of Jesse, he’s still refusing to take the throne and no amount of triggering filmstrips from his past are going to convince him otherwise. Even being locked in a cage and given a live ant enema is not enough for him to defy God. He is loyal beyond all common sense.

Elsewhere, Cassidy (Joseph Gilgun) and Tulip (Ruth Negga) try to get God’s attention by threatening to execute his favorite boy, Humperdoo (Tyson Ritter). Unfortunately, God is too busy to show up and they can’t wait forever. So, they go to plan B and decide to take Humperdoo to a cabin to play foster parents for the next three months. The two teach the moronic Messiah basic life skills while laughing at his drooling blathering antics. Cassidy finds his idiocy absolutely delightful. After all, it has been a while since either of them had something to laugh about.

The Chosen One…

Over in Masada Hitler (Noah Taylor) is pulling out all the manipulative stops to get Jesus (Tyson Ritter) to disobey his father and take the apocalyptic lead from Humperdoo. Jesus is wary they’re making the wrong choice, but before he can further explore his options a one legged-no genitaled Allfather arrives with some big news. The original Humperdoo is still missing and no Messiah means no apocalypse. Hitler does not like the sound of that. He tries to persuade Starr to allow Jesus to the idiot Messiah’s place by making the son of God show off his epic breakdancing skills. Starr is not impressed. The only dancer leading this rapture is Humperdoo. “Humperdoo is the chosen one. He is the one your father wants. Not you. Not ever.” Jesus takes that news with a big helping of disappointment. He’s always been slightly jealous of his own son.

Speaking of Hump, as Cass calls him, the chosen one is spending his days exploring the forest around their cabin and impressing Cassidy with his talents for attracting wild deer. Cassidy calls it downright biblical, but Tulip is less impressed. All she wants is God to pay for what he’s done and her plans aren’t really panning out the way she had hoped they would, especially now that Cassidy seems to really like Humperdoo and is enjoying his role as mentor and friend to the holy deviant. Getting attached to the holy child will make it harder when its time to kill him in front of God.

Tulip isn’t the only one disappointed that her plans have hit a snag, Herr Starr is beside himself over failing to kick off the apocalypse and decides to drink himself into a suicidal stupor and hang himself. Like all things he’s tried thus far, the attempt fails, but does manage to rip his nipples clean off, further destroying his beauty. God shows up while Starr is crying over his mangled nipples, telling him that he still had a chance to regain his good looks. He just needs to find the Holy Child.

He Has Risen!

Back to Jesse, who is still bouncing between Heaven and Hell’s delusions. He manages to escape a hungry barrel of rats thanks to the Saint (Graham McTavish). The killer cowboy still wants Jesse’s help in making God pay. After he promised he would show Jesse the truth about God, the trip to Heaven and Hell definitely enlightened the Preacher on the big bearded sky man. Over a drink and a roaring fire, the Saint tells Jesse a story meant to scare him into taking down God before he can kill off all of humanity. The story does a good job of making Jesse question his current refusal to take the throne. If he doesn’t, everyone he loves will die. Cut back to Fiore (Tom Brooke) and it seems the entire scene between Jesse and the Saint was just another delusion used to convince him to get on the throne. Fiore is really pulling out all the stops. Jesse can’t believe God’s plan is to kill everyone and says, “There must be more!” Fiore agrees, there’s always more but none of it will be good. A stubborn Jesse still refuses to be scared into replacing God and Fiore has had enough. He orders the other Archangels to drag Jesse onto the throne. Once he hits the holy seat, the unbelievable happens. He gets resurrected! That’s right, Jesse emerges from the sandy grave his friends buried him in and he is alive and well.

Meanwhile, Featherstone, Starr and the Grail get the location of Humperdoo and storm the cabin armed with a sonic nauseator that elicits a vomiting response. Inside the cabin Humperdoo and Cass start throwing up all over the dinner table with Tulip soon to follow. That’s when the Grail makes their move and kidnaps Hump. Tulip orders Cass to kill the Messiah before the Grail leaves, but he refuses and so she axes him in the chest and tries to take the matter into her own hands. By then Hump is gone and they have no other option but to hit the road and steal him back.

They’re not the only ones on a road trip, Jesse is walking through the desert when he spots a rusted-out RV approaching from the distance. He flags it down and, low and behold, God himself gets out! Things get worse from there when God breaks the bad news; Jesse might have refused the throne, but in his heart he wanted it. For that temptation, he fell short of passing God’s test. The apocalypse is still on and for good measure God eats Jesse’s eyeball right out of the socket as punishment for just looking at his creator. Apparently, God is not big on eye contact; more proof this dude’s ego is out of control!  It’s also apparent that this whole game he put Jesse through was rigged. Whether he passed the test or not, God had no intention of dropping his destructive agenda and reminds Jesse that not only is the Apocalypse still on but he wants him and his friends to get a front row seat. With a snap of his fingers he sends Jesse on his way to meet up with Tulip and Cassidy, as he leaves to kick off his big plans. He also fulfills his promise to Herr Starr. Now that Humperdoo has been found, God restores Starr’s good looks and the Grail worships this new and very attractive Allfather. They’re especially happy to hear the apocalypse is back on and their hard work is finally coming to an end.

Going Back to the Start…

As the episode wraps up we go back to where the season started – with Tulip kissing Cassidy in a hotel room after he made her laugh. After a short a glimpse of Eugene (Ian Colletti) witnessing a fellow prisoner getting shanked, we go back to Cass and Tulip and their morning after glow. They’re both in bed and seemingly at peace with their choices when there’s a knock at the door. It’s a one-eyed Jesse, beaten and bloodied, but ready to take on God. The fearsome threesome are back and they’re going to save the humanity from the creator’s world ending wrath if it kills them…and if God gets his way, it very well might.