UnREAL – Shield

By starrymag | March 11, 2018

By: Taylor Gates

 

 

Rachel (Shiri Appleby) journals and meditates while listening to a track about essential honesty, which highlights the importance of celibacy. Shortly after, however, she feels tempted when she walks through the set full of shirtless men hanging out by the pool. Man bun August (Adam Demos) asks Rachel if there’s any way she could sneak him some news about the Congo, and Rachel is smitten. August tells Rachel he gets the feeling she’s much more interesting than her job. Quinn (Constance Zimmer) sees them talking and calls Rachel out for practically drooling.

 

Quinn tells Rachel the ratings weren’t great and Gary (Christopher Cousins) is putting more pressure on her than ever. Rachel reveals that Serena (Caitlin FitzGerald) had sex with Norman (Joe Abraham) the previous night and has her head in the game now. They walk in to find Serena putting post-its she stole from the control room next to pictures of guys she found from a PA’s cheat sheet. Quinn tells her the control room is absolutely off-limits, but Serena says planning like this is how she buys companies. Meeting a man any other way would be irresponsible. Rachel reassures Quinn that Serena is just nervous, but Quinn warns that she needs to get her under control by any means necessary.

 

The control room watches as Serena brags and plays poker will all of the contestants. Madison (Genevieve Buechner) comments that Serena’s 32-year-old age is starting to be obvious on the HD cameras. Chet’s (Craig Bierko) solution is to either lie and say she’s 29 or lie and say she’s divorced so it looks like someone at least wanted her at some point. Madison says she made a huge mistake by choosing her job over her boyfriend, throwing obvious shade at Quinn. All the guys quickly get annoyed at Serena’s domination of the game and fold. In the end, it’s only August left, and she beats him easily.

 

Rachel and Quinn go on a mission to make the guys interested in Serena again, but Chet says it’s not them that’s the problem—it’s her. Serena walks over, and Chet continues, saying that no guy wants an independent woman. Madison lists the only three phrases she has to remember on a first date: “you are so right,” “this is a great idea,” and “can you help me?” Serena agrees to give their advice a try, appalling Rachel and Quinn. Serena asks Guy (Terry Chen) and Preston (Cameron Bancroft) for help at the craps table and swoons over their basic advice. Her act works, as the other guys see this and quickly flock over to play with her, too.

 

Crystal (Kassandra Celmenti) follows Quinn into her office, telling her that Calgrove is naming the new reality television studies building after Chet. Chet has put her in charge of a fundraising dinner, and Crystal wants Quinn’s help. Quinn says no, but Crystal persists, saying it’s so important that Chet gets the recognition he deserves. Not only did he change the grammar of reality television, but his father also committed suicide when he was six. Realizing Chet lied to Crystal, Quinn laughs and agrees to help.

 

Serena yells at Rachel, saying she wants a one-on-one with race car driver Billy (Tyler Hynes). Rachel doesn’t want to grant it, reminding Quinn they only picked him because he has a short fuse. Plus, it’s too early in the season for a one-on-one. Quinn says Billy is flyover state royalty, and they need that demographic to boost their ratings. She tells Rachel to stop protesting and do her job by setting up the date.

 

Quinn confronts Chet about sending Crystal to do his dirty work and telling her a fake sob story about his dad killing himself. Chet reveals that his dad actually did kill himself—he just never told Quinn because he never felt comfortable enough to be honest about it. Chet tells Quinn he truly loves Crystal and wants that for her, too. Upset, Quinn lashes out, saying Crystal is only with Chet for the hefty allowance he gives her.

 

Quinn throws back drinks while watching Serena lower herself during her date with Billy. Dr. Simon (Brandon Jay McLaren) asks if she’s okay, saying he’s here if she needs to talk. Quinn says she’ll never need to talk, warning him never to ask her that again. Just as irritated at the date at Quinn, Rachel tries to get Owen (Alex Hernandez) to interrupt it, but Owen refuses to take the bait. Serena asks Rachel to find her the sparkly blue dress she was supposed to wear for the introductions.

 

Dr. Simon finds Rachel stress eating, and Rachel rants about Quinn, Jeremy (Josh Kelly), and the entire crew stressing her out. Dr. Simon suggests that perhaps she should turn her essential honesty on herself—she seems to blame other people for her anger a lot. Rachel says her biggest trigger of all is hack shrinks who don’t even know her trying to diagnose her.

 

Rachel finds Quinn at the bar ordering yet another vodka. She’s disgusted that Serena wants to wear the sequin dress, but Quinn thinks it’s great news. Rachel’s plan might have been to be feminist and empowering, but all Quinn ever wanted is to get her hit show back. She reminds Rachel that the whole thing is a lie and always has been. Madison escorts Gary onto the set, surprising a now trashed and nervous Quinn.

 

Rachel and Alexi (Alex Sparrow) share a cigarette on the balcony. Alexi tells Rachel he thinks she has a Russian soul, as he can sense a darkness in her. When Rachel tells him to focus on Serena, Alexi says that Serena is looking for a poodle, not a man. Rachel urges him to show her his masculinity and stand up for himself—he just has to do exactly what she tells him.

 

Graham (Brennan Elliot) announces that the guys will all serenade Serena with a karaoke song of their choice. Alexi takes this opportunity to interrupt Billy, who is singing “America the Beautiful,” with a patriotic Russian song. They start by battling it out on the microphones, but it quickly turns violent when Billy slugs Alexi. Gary is horrified, saying this show can’t take another lawsuit, but Quinn advises him not to visit the set if he doesn’t want to know how things get done. All of the guys start throwing punches, and Serena gets knocked over while trying to stop it. Jasper (Bart Edwards) chivalrously makes his way over to her, picking her up and carrying her away from the scene. Quinn is ecstatic: this is exactly the moment she wanted.

 

Quinn congratulates Rachel on successfully producing Alexi. Rachel, however, doesn’t allow herself to be flattered. She tells Quinn that reality shapes world views and they’re pumping toxins into the minds of young women. Rachel doesn’t want girls to think that they have to dummy themselves down for men, but Quinn thinks maybe that’s the truth. Quinn says she doesn’t want what Serena wants, but Rachel calls bullshit, bringing up her relationships with Chet and John Booth. Someone informs Rachel that Billy got his hands on a phone and called his lawyer, planning to sue for being provoked.

 

Owen finds Serena and tells her that she seems different. She liked the old her better and promises she doesn’t have to dumb herself down for him. Serena is clearly a little offended, telling Owen she doesn’t have to do anything with him. Rachel sees Jeremy and Owen talking and asks him if protecting the good guys is his form of penance for what he did last season.

 

Quinn says that she got a quid pro quo from Billy saying he won’t press charges as long as Serena doesn’t cut him. He also sponsors the elimination ceremony, as Serena will give Billy brand tire gauges to the men who move on in the competition. Lucky for Quinn, Serena decides to keep Billy around another week. In return, Serena makes Chet donate money to a youth shelter.

 

Quinn spies Crystal and Madison giggling together. Furious, she goes to the control room and spies Rachel and August cuddling in his hammock, looking at constellations and talking about Africa. Rachel stops herself before things escalates and heads to her room. Quinn, however, uses this opportunity to make her move. After awhile, Rachel goes back outside to be with August again, but August is off having sex with Quinn in her office.