By: Kelly Kearney
New Year’s Eve brings out the best, worst and weirdest in the Ted Lasso crew, and this year is no exception. While the Lady Greyhounds ring in the new year aboard a champagne-soaked yacht full of rich people and questionable fashion choices, Ted chooses family time over the festivities. As the clock ticks toward midnight, it brings romantic complications, unfortunate declarations, and unexpected pop-ins from old friends. This New Year’s Eve is more about self-discovery, than champagne wishes and kisses for Ted and the crew.
Happy New Year!
The episode kicks off with holiday vibes as Nancy Wilson smoothly sings “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?” Leading us to Henry (Grant Feely) cleaning tables at the Crown & Anchor, where Mae (Annette Badland) gives him a hack for getting lipstick off glass. Michelle (Andrea Anders) and Ted (Jason Sudeikis) are also at the bar, joking about Henry, who has never shown much interest in doing dishes until Mae started paying him time-and-a-half for his holiday service. Not only has the young Lasso joined the workforce, he’s also been training to stay up past midnight for New Year’s Eve. So far, he’s made it to 1 a.m. without any hallucinations–and for that, Ted, his dad, seems quite impressed.
Speaking of New Year’s Eve, the women’s team has been invited to a boat party that Ted tells Michelle he is skipping. He’d rather spend the holiday with his family at the pub, and besides, according to Ted, “those gals don’t need me to have a fun time.”
When we cut to the boat, the women are on the arrival deck toasting with Champagne while getting their bearings among a very posh crowd. They wonder if their coach, Alice (Tanya Reynolds), who was recently suspended by Ted, will show up. That’s when we meet the host of this high-seas party, emphasis on high: Zelda (Tracey Ullman), who arrives with ketamine in her bloodstream and a welcoming smile on her face. She invites everyone inside since the Lady Greyhounds are her guests of honor. It’s a good thing Lizzie (Faye Marsay) paid for a babysitter because this party is already kicking off with free food and booze for everyone.
While the team gets a taste of the richer side of life, Keeley (Juno Temple) and Rebecca (Hannah Waddingham) are elsewhere in London, walking into their own gala while talking about Matthijs (Matteo van der Grijn) and his silent treatment. Rebecca keeps texting him, but her messages are left on read. He even turned off Find My iPhone, and it is driving Rebecca mad. Keeley–always the optimist, tries to look on the bright side and suggests maybe he’s been mugged or his phone was stolen. Rebecca thinks that would be lovely, because the alternative is that their breakup is for good and the pilot is avoiding her. As they walk into the event, Rebecca quietly makes a plan to get back together with him. Keeley reminds her that it doesn’t matter whether Matthijs or Roy are at the gala; the most important thing is that she and Rebecca are there together.
That’s when Rebecca points out Roy (Brett Goldstein) across the room. A flustered Keeley immediately wonders with a huge dose of hope, if he and his new girlfriend broke up. Because who doesn’t want to spend New Year’s Eve with the person they’re dating? After at least four dates, Roy seems firmly off the market.
Right on cue, the man in question walks over to Rebecca and Keeley, surprising them both. Roy doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of person who would attend an event launching a vodka brand, but he isn’t there for the booze. He’s there to “watch a man make an absolute tit of himself.” Who is this man Roy is so excited to see? We find out when a video begins playing on a jumbo screen, featuring a very strange-looking Jamie Tartt. It all takes place in the Garden of Eden, where scantily clad dancers escort the actual Jamie (Phil Dunster) around in nothing but tighty- whities and a fig leaf while he narrates how God created apple flavored vodka so humans could get laid. When Jamie spots his image on the screen looking like a wonkier version of his already handsome self, the record scratches. He wants to know who disgraced him like that. Of course, Roy is all smiles and says, “Jamie never misses,” meaning, never misses an opportunity to make a fool of himself. Nobody is more delighted to be a spectator in Tartt’s public shaming than his best pal and sometimes enemy, Roy Kent.
After the video debacle the group catches up. Jamie might be playing for a new team in Spain, but he is still loyal to his old Greyhound pals, especially Roy. After putting their competition for Keeley’s heart aside at the end of Season 3, these two became besties who live to insult each other. After three years apart, those vibes have not changed. Roy is practically salivating over Jamie making a fool of himself.
Eyes Wide Open
Back at the boat, we catch up with Higgins (Jeremy Swift), who arrived with his wife, Julie (Mary Roscoe) who quickly points out the fact that Higgins came at all is proof of his dedication to the team. Boats give him terrible motion sickness. To avoid the embarrassment of vomiting overboard at the party, Higgins has chosen fashion embarrassment instead. He’s wearing a pair of ridiculous glasses designed to help ease his sickness, and Zelda wastes no time shaming him in a friendly way.
Speaking of friends, Hugo Riddles (Alex Blake) joins them just as Zelda wanders off after her war-criminal friend Tony Blair. Hugo immediately starts flirting with Julie while Leslie tries to keep his cool. After all, Zelda did introduce Hugo as both the absolute worst and her best friend. This bad behavior should be expected.
Across the boat, Boots (Jude Mack) mentions the posh vibes pouring off the wealthy–something none of the players are used to. For her, everything feels a little too weird, like by the end of the night everyone will be wearing masks and reenacting scenes from Eyes Wide Shut. Her teammates shiver, though definitely not with anticipation. Whatever masked trauma is planned for after midnight will have to wait because the women are enjoying themselves thanks to the free food and drinks. It’s not every day they get to rub elbows with the rich and famous, so they might as well make the most of it. We see Gemma (Abbie Hern) look on in shock as Lizzie double-fists cheese wedges into her mouth while shoving baked ham into her purse. Being a single mom means she doesn’t get many nights to herself, and a party like this, she might never get another chance to attend. She’s taking home some delicious memories and orders Gemma to cover her while she cleans out the buffet..
That’s when Beard (Brendan Hunt), dressed in all red and matching one Siobhan (Rex Hayes), arrives ready to ring in the new year with style and emotional clarity. After witnessing Jane’s play and wrestling with the fact that she’s taking his embarrassment to the West End, he feels like a new man. Or, as he calls it, “my rebirth. Baby New Year but with swagger.” He does a little spin, and the teammates whoop and whistle for their formerly brokenhearted coach. Privately, Gemma asks Beard if Alice is coming, and after her suspension and terrible attitude, he isn’t sure.
Old Friends and Feelings
Cut to Alice at home with her girlfriend Camille (Rebekah Murrell), trying on what appears to be the 14th outfit of the night for the boat party. She still isn’t sure she wants to go, but if she does, she wants her outfit to at least reflect that she’s cool enough for the team to miss. This will be the first time she’s seen the players since she shamed them all after the Chelsea game, so the impression she makes has to be memorable. Outfit aside, she doesn’t want to go alone and begs Camille to attend with her, but her girlfriend is stepping aside. Alice needs to concentrate on having fun with her team, not ogling Camille in one of the 13 outfits she’s discarded.
Meanwhile, Jamie, Roy, Keeley and Rebecca catch up, and the main topic of conversation is that terrible Tartt artwork on the apple vodka bottles. Jamie’s smooshed face aside, the vodka is apparently great, according to Keeley, who tries to lift her ex’s spirits. Roy, on the other hand, loves Cyclops Jamie and thinks they captured his look perfectly. Jamie admits it’s nice to see them, he might love his new team and all the siestas they get, but he misses “the boys” and even Roy. Though Roy would never admit he missed Jamie, Keeley does it for him. It’s nice to see the trio happy together, even if none of them are actually together.
Cue Rebecca, who asks Keeley for one more “Tartini” before they head to Zelda’s boat party to make their appearances. Even Zelda is wondering why the women are late. It’s not like Rebecca’s long legs can’t clear a city block in seconds. Keeley invites the men to join them, but Jamie is contractually obligated to stay until after midnight, and Roy has a date. Keeley plays it cool, all smiles to cover up her pain as Roy says his goodbyes. As he walks towards the door, he pauses when a beloved beat drops. The horns blast, and both Roy and Jamie pause and turn toward each other, and then they nod. House of Pain’s “Jump” blasts through the speakers, and these two cannot help themselves. “Men love a song with instructions,” Keeley explains while the two besties get down to their choreographed moves. They hit the dance floor, jumping to the beat until Roy’s knee gives out and he collapses to the floor screaming in pain. Jamie, who can only break his contract for emergencies like a family illness, a natural disaster or a crucifixion, and this counts. He picks Roy up and carries him out of the gala in peak humiliation for Kent, and absolute heroic delight for Jamie.
Wilson Was a Woman
Back at Mae’s, Ted and Michelle play darts and catch up on life. She finds it odd that he isn’t at the team’s party, and he admits he’s feeling adrift. He compares his dilemma to the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks and his beloved volleyball, Wilson. He feels alone on an island with nothing but his thoughtsl. Michelle admits she gets why Ted is in a mood. He has always been thrown off by women, and Wilson was a woman. The exes argue about this because Ted assumed Wilson was a man, completely missing the point Michelle was making. She thinks his team of Wilsons has him rattled, and she hits that bullseye, literally and figuratively. He mulls it over, but besides the team, Alice, is on his mind. He believes in her and now he isn’t sure it was the right move to suspend her. Michelle points out that Ted rarely doubts himself, and questions why now? Is it all about Alice, or is something else bothering him?
Ted’s doubt doesn’t seem to be a problem for Beard, who gets introduced to a young female friend of Zelda’s, Claudine (Sophie Simnett) and the two instantly hit it off. What they lack in common, they make up for in laughs and dance moves. After 5 episodes seeing the coach depressed and lovelorn over a toxic ex, it is nice to watch him find his inner freak again.
While Beard chats up Claudine–Zelda’s mixologist and microdoser, the Lady Greyhounds spot Alice awkwardly walking in, out and back into the party. Her nerves are front and center, but her outfit is on point, which must help put a confident step in her stride as she makes her way to the team’s table. The women compliment her on the fashionable suit and cautiously check in with her. Alice slowly warms up to their welcoming mood.
Then Zelda and Hugo interrupt and push Alice aside, both physically and professionally. The party host goes on and on about star player Gemma and the team’s fantastic coaches, Ted and Beard, without ever acknowledging the female assistant coach of the women’s team. It hurts to be ignored after working so hard for a sport she loves. So Alice excuses herself from the team’s table and wanders off alone. Gemma clocks the change in her demeanor and knows exactly why her smile got lost in the praising shuffle.
Meanwhile, Roy is drugged up at the hospital, making an absolute fool of himself, delighting Jamie in their role reversal. He asks the nurse if there are any plans to donate Roy’s knee to science because if so, he is calling dibs. That patella would make a fabulous necklace, fit for Tartt’s neck. When Doctor Erin (Laura Haddock) arrives– the woman Roy has been dating, Keeley and Rebecca are stunned, and not because they know she is the other woman. They are too busy being dazzled by her God-given talents of medicine and drop-dead beauty. They’re as starstruck as Roy, who keeps nuzzling the woman’s hand. Erin asks if this dancing injury is why he stopped responding to her texts and was late for their date, and that’s when the realization hits Keeley, whose smile quickly turns to teary panic. She does a good job of hiding how she feels thanks to Rebecca– always the supportive and stable bestie, whispering encouragement as Keeley starts rambling about Roy’s allergies and his need for protein bars “or else he gets weird.”
An understanding washes over the doctor’s face as to who this young helpful woman is next to Roy’s bedside. She’s an ex, and she is definitely not over the grouchy star coach. The women share a knowing look before the doctor clears the room to check Roy out. Before Jamie leaves, he makes Roy promise not to die, and the nurse assigned to Kent’s case assumes this heartfelt plea is coming from a son worried about his father. She tells Jamie he can stay with his dad if he likes and Tartt gets a kick out of that. He plays it up, laughing that it’s too hard to see the old man in bad shape and yells, “Good luck, Dad!” snickering as he heads to the waiting area. Keeley and Rebecca are close behind, and it looks like it’s going to be a long night.
Back at the boat party, Gemma finds Alice alone, looking out at the river from the railing. “Don’t jump!” she jokes, and that pulls Alice out of her pity party long enough for the two to talk. They land on the topic of Alice’s fears that the team doesn’t like her, especially after her behavior following the Chelsea game. Gemma thinks it’s cool that she came anyway, and Alice admits she wanted to spend the last night of the year with her team. Gemma looks around at the empty deck and laughs because it doesn’t exactly seem like Alice is spending the night with anyone but herself.
After a moment of silence, the disgruntled coach admits she’s happy Gemma is playing football, even if she doesn’t understand why she’s still studying law, too. In Alice’s mind, Gemma is so good that football should be her main focus. It’s almost like Alice is living out her own professional sports dreams through Gemma, and every time she doesn’t make football her number one priority, she sees her own lost dreams being casually tossed away. She apologizes for how she treated Gemma when they were teammates–admitting she was awful to her back then, and maybe she’s still awful now. If she weren’t, Alice reasons, the team wouldn’t hate her now. Gemma disagrees and explains that the players don’t hate her, they just don’t understand her yet. Alice is intense, and sometimes people need to be eased into that intensity, but she thinks they’ll come around.
“For what it’s worth, I like you. Even if you’re being an arsehole,” Gemma admits. It feels like the first real step toward settling their differences and that can only be a good thing for how the team views her.
Midnight Confessions
Next, we head back to Mae’s, where Ted and Michelle talk about films, books and dig deeper into a conversation about their post-divorce relationships. Something one would assume they already covered during the three-year time jump, but apparently they have avoided it. This leads them to the topic of midnight kisses and Ted tries changing the subject to Henry, who is passed out in Mae’s supply closet. The kid lost his streak right before midnight.
In the hospital waiting room, Keeley is freaking out, and so is Rebecca, who still can’t get a text back from Matthijs. Jamie is also in a Tartini haze but perks up when Roy’s sister, Jenni, calls Keeley looking for her brother. She heads off to his hospital room with the phone while rambling about the gorgeous doctor who had the nerve to show up at the hospital in a fabulous dress instead of scrubs. She still might turn her in for unprofessional behavior and extreme hotness. She hasn’t decided yet.
Rebecca, meanwhile, is hoping to score some of those silly pills Roy was given–anything to take the pain away from what looks like the end of her relationship with the Dutch pilot. As sappy music plays over the hospital speakers, Rebecca starts to cry. Jamie, clueless about what is going on, immediately assumes he is somehow at fault for her tears. She calms his fears and admits she’s upset because she thinks she threw away an amazing relationship because it wasn’t perfect. Jamie sits there with his mouth open, thinking of the right words to make the typically confident and strong woman feel better. Since all roads lead back to his ego, he compares her situation to his vodka label. The first label for the bottle was perfect, but for some reason he wanted more. He always wants more. Rebecca remembers that attitude from his contract negotiations, something about an atrium in his locker, having no idea what an atrium actually is. Jamie side steps that shade to explain how in his quest for perfection, he wound up forcing his team of artists to create a new label over the weekend on their only day off. Now that label, which places Jamie in the Garden of Eden, has given him a squashed face even Eve would run from.
His point? “Sometimes perfect is the opposite of good,” and Rebecca unravels that knot of Tartt wisdom to realize he made a point. In their quest for perfection, they both lost sight of what was already amazing. Their talk dries Rebecca’s tears because how can you not laugh at the charming cluelessness of Jamie Tartt?
Over on the boat, Higgins relays the bad news to Zelda that Rebecca and Keeley are stuck at the hospital and won’t be making it to the party. Zelda takes the mic and announces the news to the crowd, and she can’t help but respect a woman who blows off her own party. So, since the owner of the Greyhounds isn’t coming, Zelda gives a toast to the guests of honor: the Lady Greyhounds. Everyone applauds and then the party kicks into gear, in exactly the way Boots predicted it would. It’s an Eyes Wide Shut sort of night, complete with masks, a blindfolded accordion player and the host shooting off a gun. It’s time to grab their drinks, their purse hams and call it a night. They are not this posh, and this freak-off is definitely not their vibe.
A New Year, A New Beginning
Back at Ted’s apartment, he and Michelle put a sleeping Henry to bed. He never made it to midnight and Mae might have to dock the boy’s pay.. As Ted pours them some Kentucky bourbon, Michelle revisits their earlier conversation about who Ted might want to kiss at midnight?
He admits there isn’t anyone–not even Sassy, Rebecca’s friend. He tries to be cautious when explaining his “thing” with Sassy, but Michelle gets right to the point. It was all about the sex and she gets it, she is not his wife anymore so they can be open with each other. This is a new part of their post-divorce friendship, so Ted chokes on his whiskey and admits that was what it was all about. He hasn’t been on a real date since they divorced, and no, the mother of Henry’s friend doesn’t count. The only reason they rode go-karts together was because nobody showed up to her son’s birthday party because everyone got lice except Ted and Henry.
Ted turns the tables and mentions the “shady therapist” Michelle dated and his tone is less than friendly about their former therapist. When she questions it, he lets her in on his belief that Dr. Jake manipulated their couples therapy to push him out of the way because he had the hots for Michelle.
Too bad none of that was true. It was Michelle who pursued the doctor after running into him at the grocery store. Dr. Jake was the one who kept her at a distance, afraid of muddying the doctor-patient dynamic. She promised it wouldn’t be romantic and for months it wasn’t, until it was. She was so lonely after the divorce and confused about whether those feelings meant she had made the wrong choice by ending things, that dating Dr. Jake helped her move on. He might have been a jerk, but he was a jerk who came along at the perfect time.
Ted never knew she was struggling like that and apologizes for missing the clues. Michelle puts his mind at ease: “Divorce doesn’t equal failure.” That’s what Michelle has learned over the years, and it’s time he learned it, too. Their whole conversation reminds him of how she always believed in him. In fact, she was the one who made the “Believe” sign the men’s team was inspired by. The same sign in the women’s locker room is still missing. “You always could see things in me that I couldn’t see in myself,” Ted admits. So, he agrees to take her advice and open up to the women’s team, sharing the parts of himself they are desperate to get to know. He should also start dating, and he might have someone in mind. That stage manager he met at Jane’s play caught his eye. He asks Michelle if that’s okay and she nods it’s “better than okay.”
Back at the boat, Beard gets friend-zoned when he attempts to kiss Claudine after spending the entire night misreading her clues. She pulls away and lets him down easy. It’s not that he isn’t a lot of fun, it’s just that he’s old. Ouch! The truth stings, Coach.
It’s almost midnight, and there is no romance in sight for any of our characters, but at least the Lady Greyhounds have made peace with their trivia bros. There’s no need for Boots to wallop any of them over the head with more bottles, as the men greet them with applause at Mae’s. They were impressed by the team’s Chelsea game, and with 15 minutes left until midnight, there’s still time for a friendly match outside. Mae supplies the ball and the booze, and everyone heads outside to kick the ball around and have one last blast.
Eventually, Ted takes Michelle’s advice and joins his team outside for the impromptu match. The women are thrilled to see their coach supporting their after-hours game. It’s all love for Ted, and maybe that is better than a kiss at midnight?
Declarations and Disappointments
Over at the hospital, Keeley sits bedside as Jenni tries and fails to get a coherent response from her drugged-up, very silly brother. She and Phoebe will be back in the morning to check on him. That’s when the good Doctor Erin interrupts them, and Keeley rushes out to leave them alone. From behind the door, she overhears Roy whispering a declaration of love, but she runs off in tears before hearing him finish with “Keeley.” Roy is confused and thinks the doctor is Keeley and the smile on her face falls. She must know she cannot compete with the woman who already owns his heart.
Unfortunately, that woman’s heart is shattered after thinking Roy has moved on with the gorgeous and talented doctor. It’s all so messy, and that mess doesn’t end there. Rebecca is back in the waiting room waiting for Keeley when her bestie messages that she is leaving. She is heartbroken, and Rebecca gets it, her heart is hurting too and this night has been a complete wash.
As the countdown to the new year begins, Rebecca is left with Jamie, who motions for a kiss. Rebecca motions back as if to say, “F off! You are out of your league, sir.” Jamie tosses her a look that reads like, “Please. I am THE Jamie Tartt.” Eventually, they realize there’s nothing wrong with a good-luck peck, so Jamie leans in and kisses Rebecca’s depressed forehead as the countdown hits two and one. But her phone goes off right at midnight, interrupting Jamie’s lips. It’s Matthijs and not only is he ready to wish her a Happy New Year, he’s standing in the doorway of the waiting room, ready for his kiss.
Instead of kisses, Ted gets hugs from the team, and Boots hugs Alice. As “Auld Lang Syne” plays, we see a sad Keeley alone in the back of a cab, a sleeping and smiling Roy completely unaware that his drugged-up declaration has broken two hearts, and Matthijs admitting he was avoiding Rebecca’s texts because he didn’t want to ruin the surprise. The back-together-again-couple kiss while Jamie attempts the most intrusive group hug in history.
Outside of the pub, Ted hugs Alice and tells her he’ll see her at work, solidifying her spot on the coaching staff. Her smile fades when a drunk Lizzie wishes her a Happy New Year and then admits she knows the coach thinks the team doesn’t like her and that couldn’t be further from the truth. Alice is embarrassed that a private conversation with Gemma became team gossip and lays into her for it. She walks away angry, leaving Gemma stunned and confused. She was just trying to help.
After all the hugs and kisses out in the street, Ted heads back up to his flat, where he finds a sleeping Michelle on the couch and a new, bright blue Believe sign on the kitchen table. It is exactly what the coach needed to boost his confidence. The episode ends with an inspiring smile from Ted, in an episode that wasn’t your typical holiday Lasso-hour, full of friendship, feelings and holiday warmth. What it lacked in togetherness for our characters, it made up for in personal growth. It also gave Rebecca another chance at perfection with her pilot. Holidays aren’t always happy, they can often be bittersweet, and full of regrets. Keeley, Roy and Alice will have some tears to dry in the New Year, and hopefully some personal growth like the kind Ted found, will put them on their path to happiness.